ive been getting real tired of the internetz. it started off as some kind of amazing utility oozing of opportunity and now its just a big black hole party. an anus party. its like regurgitating throw up constantly being thrown at you and people really get boners off of it! they just sit with their mouths wide open, waiting to swallow whatever bs some asshole hipster is able to squeeze out. im just tired of it! the people on here of fucking phonies. you can be anyone on here. you can sleep with me if you tweet me the right things. if you look good enough on instagram ill like yo pic and even comment it. bull shit! integrity doesnt exist anymore. whats on here is anyones. whatever you say i can select, copy, and paste and ITS MINE BETCH. dude fuck the internet! and fuck the little minions created on here! all you are is a complete reflection of some fantasy photoshop bs.
yeah i sound like a bitter cunt venting to her blog. as a matter of fact, i am a bitter cunt! why dont i just close out all of my accounts? because im a hypocritical person and i like trolling peoples social networks, even if it means it will suck and i will continue to lose any morsel of respect for this generation.
i guess the internet is cool because any basic person can portray themselves as amazing with a couple of filters. fuck all of that. i could give two fluttering fucks if you think i look fat in my pics, or my skins not nice enough, WHATEVER. ill sit on your face for all i care.
This body is not me.
I am not limited by this body.
I am life without boundaries.
I have never been born,
and I have never died.
Look at the ocean and the sky filled with stars, manifestations from my wondrous true mind.
Since before time, I have been free.
Birth and death are only doors…
There is so much that I want to do but can’t. I feel very restricted, like I’m doomed to this sort of life. That I’m forced to eventually succumb to this life. The same life my parents and family lived. Nothing out of the ordinary, just a life to take care of my family. I’m sounding very selfish but I really do think there is so much more to life than just making ends meet. If I could I would leave this place, travel, party, do things and not worry about the next day. Not having to worry that the person I love will judge me, that they will hate me for being myself.
There are days where I feel tremendous and there are days that I feel so tiny, so meaningless. I was needed and then I wasn’t needed. This life is unfulfilling. My life is not hard, I don’t feel less privileged and I am blessed with friends, family, education, and life itself. But what am I doing to make this life a legacy. I’m just living it to get by, from step to step. I feel like I’m taking steps in an endless staircase and I don’t even know whats at the top, or if I’ll even like it there. I guess it’s different when you have a goal. I don’t really have a goal I just want to live life comfortably. I keep telling myself that I’m working this hard to make money so that I can see the rest of the world since no one else is gonna help me out. It’s understandable because it’s something I want and nobody else’s. I just think there is a whole other universe out there, and before I know it I’m gonna be thirty something with kids and bills. What have I done then.
Does anyone else have that issue where you just don’t know whether to retaliate or break down and whine? To me, either or seems like a bitch move. I can never decide between the two and I don’t trust my logic so I usually ignore the two and move on with my life. So as to avoid any sort of conflict. I also think it’s mostly cuz I’m so set on thinking I’m right that I just refuse to hear the opposing side because then I would just get very very butthurt and feel like an idiot. I feel the same way for stupid questions, like where to locate a certain item at a grocery store, which I still ask anyway since I could give two fucks about what a grocery store clerk thinks about me. But when it’s someone intimate like a friend, family member, those decisions can be really tricky for me. I’m the type of person where I get so set on my perspective, that I’m 100% certain that it’s the only way. I think thats why I have some anxiety issues. Like okay, I’m the kind of person who will search high and low for a certain product at a grocery store and assume it’s not there all together. I may ask a store clerk where the item is, but I ask with total disbelief that the item is clearly not available for purchase. Sadly, 75% of the time the store clerk will point in the direction behind me and, LO AND BEHOLD ! There’s a full on aisle dedicated to that item. Am I crazy or something? If I were to ever be a republican I would be the worse republican ever. Anyway I’m still in this predicament and I’m very surprised that I actually had to resort to blogging to really get this huge chunk of baggage bullshit off my back.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own world….I wish I could explain this better. Or that I had more time. I never have time for shit. And when I do, I’d rather lay in bed and sleep. I think I’m gonna try meditating more. It sounds stupid and I’m a real sucker to influence, but I’m really intrigued at how some people swear by meditation. My mind is never at peace. Somethings always bothering it. Something always needs to get done. I have to talk to So and So about this. I need ample time to set this up. Why can’t I just live on a beach and dedicate my life to eating and surfing? I do all of these things to “take care of myself” but I really don’t feel like I’m being taken care of. I just feel like I’m working all of the time. What am I working for? I’m not struggling, but I’m not content. I’m developing a certain lifestyle that I don’t even really like. Some people like this sort of thing. Working hard so that you can reap benefits, take care of your family, buy nice things, go on vacations. We always want something more.
I remember being broke as shit and I was still happier than I am now. I was broke as shit, dreaming about the day I would start my career. I have my career, I’m about to graduate, but why am I less happy?! Why does life need to be filled with so much work. Why can’t it be simple. I make so much more money than I ever have, and all I want to do is buy stuff! Sometimes its the only way I sleep at night! I remember when the only way I could sleep is if I talked to somebody about how my day went. We do these things and we dont even think about it. We wonder why we feel a certain way, and just waive it as a “mood swing”, a hormonal hiccup. This too shall pass……probably? ….not!
It’s crazy how we have to keep moving on with our lives.. just for the sake of time.
One moment we swear were in the middle of the best part of our lives and in a matter of hours we only have memories left to reflect. What would you do if you had the option to just relive it whenever you felt necessary? We fear indulgence, the presevation of that significant moment. What if indulgence didn’t even exist. I hate change but it’s constantly happening. And I of most people are susceptible to change. I’m always changing my mind. Forever indecisive. Forever affecting the people around me with my inability to develop a real character. I do feel that I have some sort of personality, but what if its just a reflection of what I see on the internetz.
Fun day in sf. Daytime drinking takes a lot of energy and even more to transition to nighttime! Daytime drinking is also bad when you’re in the vicinity of various thrift stores. So much for living on a budget. I think I’ll work on that next week. Anyway check out my chaaaiinn.
p.s. did I mention I’m a Leo? Yapp.
Space pants! I’ve decided that I really like being home (weekends only). Working 60+ hours a week really drives me nuts. Is it weird that I feel like I’m still in summer mode? Since I’ve been in working mode for the past 3 months. Something about being home brings some sort of comfort that I don’t feel in San Jose. I think I’m about ready to move my nest elsewhere. I need to graduate…soon!