The Pursuit of Happiness

ImageDoes anyone else have that issue where you just don’t know whether to retaliate or break down and whine? To me, either or seems like a bitch move. I can never decide between the two and I don’t trust my logic so I usually ignore the two and move on with my life. So as to avoid any sort of conflict. I also think it’s mostly cuz I’m so set on thinking I’m right that I just refuse to hear the opposing side because then I would just get very very butthurt and feel like an idiot. I feel the same way for stupid questions, like where to locate a certain item at a grocery store, which I still ask anyway since I could give two fucks about what a grocery store clerk thinks about me. But when it’s someone intimate like a friend, family member, those decisions can be really tricky for me. I’m the type of person where I get so set on my perspective, that I’m 100% certain that it’s the only way. I think thats why I have some anxiety issues. Like okay, I’m the kind of person who will search high and low for a certain product at a grocery store and assume it’s not there all together. I may ask a store clerk where the item is, but I ask with total disbelief that the item is clearly not available for purchase. Sadly, 75% of the time the store clerk will point in the direction behind me and, LO AND BEHOLD ! There’s a full on aisle dedicated to that item. Am I crazy or something? If I were to ever be a republican I would be the worse republican ever. Anyway I’m still in this predicament and I’m very surprised that I actually had to resort to blogging to really get this huge chunk of baggage bullshit off my back. 

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own world….I wish I could explain this better. Or that I had more time. I never have time for shit. And when I do, I’d rather lay in bed and sleep. I think I’m gonna try meditating more. It sounds stupid and I’m a real sucker to influence, but I’m really intrigued at how some people swear by meditation. My mind is never at peace. Somethings always bothering it. Something always needs to get done. I have to talk to So and So about this. I need ample time to set this up. Why can’t I just live on a beach and dedicate my life to eating and surfing? I do all of these things to “take care of myself” but I really don’t feel like I’m being taken care of. I just feel like I’m working all of the time. What am I working for? I’m not struggling, but I’m not content. I’m developing a certain lifestyle that I don’t even really like. Some people like this sort of thing. Working hard so that you can reap benefits, take care of your family, buy nice things, go on vacations. We always want something more.

I remember being broke as shit and I was still happier than I am now. I was broke as shit, dreaming about the day I would start my career. I have my career, I’m about to graduate, but why am I less happy?! Why does life need to be filled with so much work. Why can’t it be simple. I make so much more money than I ever have, and all I want to do is buy stuff! Sometimes its the only way I sleep at night! I remember when the only way I could sleep is if I talked to somebody about how my day went. We do these things and we dont even think about it. We wonder why we feel a certain way, and just waive it as a “mood swing”, a hormonal hiccup. This too shall pass……probably?  ….not!

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