what’re you supposed to do if somebody close to you is just…..bad luck? like those people who are always going through it. family, school, money problems…is it karma? or fate? for some reason i feel like i have some kind of responsibility to maintain some peoples happiness. i would hate to add to somebody’s demise…….. but i’m pretty paranoid that i’ll eventually be sucked into this black hole of unfortunate events! like i wanna help, but a majority of everything happening is out of my hands and im almost always just the person that has to soften the blow. i dont like having this responsibility..its scary and can be too much sometimes. but its not like i can leave a pal hanging? somebody you care for so much….. but at the same time its like grow the fuck up! aren’t you supposed to be in charge of your own happiness? it doesnt help that EVERYONE has to be involved. im chained to a dead weight and im this close to cutting my foot off! i feel bad and im scared to think about what would happen if i left..probably nothing too terrible but im always paranoid and putting myself in situations. but maaaan some people really are just living that bozo life and i dont even know how that even comes about? im not even just talking about one person now. some people really just fuck with the bottom of the barrel type of shit. im not a priss or anything but i dont mind enjoying the nicer things in life..i think i know my potential and that i dont need to associate myself with such gloomy people…
i feel like such a sucka about life. i wanna do all these selfish things but i know i’d be out of line for it. what am i supposed to do about this situation… a part of me feels like i need some time to think clearly and another part wants to just take everything…some kind of procedure that i’m not even sure is execute-able lol. my expectations got me all fucked up, i dont have enough discipline to ignore these negative thoughts. i feel like everything has finally come full circle and im still playing myself.. i used to be so much worse so i would do impulsive things thinking i was on the come up, but then i got nowhere… god i hate this sit and wait game.
there are some bad days but my days have been good overall. my minds a little clearer among other things, i just wish i was making the same amount of money that i used to have! then i could do whatever i wanted; fly places, blow munnies on hunnies, open up tabs at bars so that i can yak outside, get a bikini wax every month, get a haircut every month, pay for friends gas, eat sushi every tuesdays and thursdays, shop at trader joes and world market without giving a single FUCK. yeah shit like that. like that shit…..
i’d like to go somewhere far. when im in an unfamiliar place, i get this anxiety..but more of an anticipation. i’ve been seeing the same gotdamn places for a long time now and im so ready for a new venture. i was with a close friend the other day.. she’s pregnant and i realized that she was for sure not going anywhere anytime soon. having such a huge commitment like that takes so much mental strength and discipline. to love somebody that much. right now, i’m really trying to focus on me. i feel that i haven’t experienced enough to trust myself to raise another human being. i guess i’m not entirely ready to put somebody before myself, i’m just not responsible enough. im still reckless, why would i jeopardize anothers life? ugh… i’m not one to judge but seriously some families are just too content in their own spot. there’s no progression.. just hella kids. i dont know, i cant judge since i’ve never been in that position. but seriously! kids are fun for like the first two years, then its just straight child rearing and disciplining after that. why do people wanna raise growing kids when theyre still growing? its like after that there’s NO turning back. that kid is yours for the next 20+ years! fuck…
anyway i think ill take some time to reflect on my own relationship, not others. i’m bored as shit. how do you dump someone?? cuz i sure as hell don’t know how. every time i try i end up changing my mind and i just let time sort of ruin everything. i cant stand a relationship with no progression. or maybe im just obsessed with that first stage of a relationship. the one where you guys are infatuated with each other and do it all over the place while still getting to know each other. i need that electric feeling again..its so rare. i think im just holding onto this comfort that i can certainly harvest in a friend, not even a companion. i hate when you’ve been with someone for so long that people kind of define you guys as one.. or am i supposed to like it, or something? why does it bother me so much.. this discomfort isn’t natural. most the time people who do that are just people i kinda know who don’t know what else to tlak to me about. fake people who don’t know how to carry conversations without gossiping. its so rare to get a decent conversation from anyone. people are such avid users for social networks, but they suck at communicating! why the fuck doesn’t anyone answer phone calls anymore?! but you can text me back in a quick second.. bullshit. people are finding loopholes outside of awkward conversations. man the fuck up and just give a good rebuttal! nobody is cool anymore.. i feel like im just babbling on and i get no sort of satisfying or intriguing input. people are just disinterested idiots. and anytime i do get a semi-cool conversation some guy is just trying to do me. am i being too choosy or something? im just not into anything that’s on my plate. i guess the mature thing to do would be to just man the fuck up and do the deed. but i tried doing it! and all i got was stupid mush. guh….. so over this relationship.. so over this chapter of my life! graduation must come sooner!
i love waking up happy and inspired 🙂 i feel so blessed knowing the people i know. yeah you know there’s always gonna be a few bad seeds…. but the good ones are like gold to me. the kind of people you put in the back of your pocket. the ones who laugh with you and not at you and know the difference between constructive criticism and just plain hating. there are some talented people in my life!
im such a suckaaaaaaa. but i like doing this to myself. i get electric feeling all over and it gives me something to think about besides the next errand that i have to run. this is some kind of process that im getting sort of used to, which im not sure is a good thing but no harm is done (except my ego, boo).
im so bored with life. this chapter needs to end soon. i need to source this electric feel so that i feel it consistently and not every few months. i would also like it so that there aren’t any nasty withdrawals lol. at least now i know forsure that i AM leaving san jose by the end of this school year. ITS GOING TO HAPPEN! how? ……. super secret.
setting goals is healthy! i like having something to look forward to.
this blog is turning into a really sad blog. its not healthy to feel sorry for yourself, and my life isn’t as pathetic as it seems. this past week i tried starving myself (about two measly snacks a day!) but i ended up being really delirious in the end, so no i dont think being 90s skinny is gonna make me feel better lol. no i dont have an eating disorder, i dont cut myself, or sleep around to feel better….im just a little angry person on the internetz. i realized how small minded and hypocritical i look on this blog so i think im gonna cool it for a bit til i start feeling better about myself. its funny how complaining about your woes and focusing on other people’s happiness adds up to be a super big negative. i dont think i noticed that about myself because im surrounded by a lot of people who are also unhappy with what they have. i do notice how my mood lightens up when i talk to genuine people. i think i forgot the person i used to be and now im this insecure cunt. this is gonna be the repetitious thing you’ll ever see on the internet but i need to declutter my life!
i think its so wrong for someone to believe that their perspective is superior to another persons. its easy to think this way because you easily feel better about everything. its like emotional eating. you eat all this junk for the taste. escapism has become something addictive to me. ive become so insecure these past few months that i actually need to rely on somebody else to make me feel better. how sad. im pretty much super over this this part of my life. i should be a lot happier than i am now. it doesnt make sense. ive tried doing something like this multiple times in my life but it should be different this time around since i have less distractions.
anyway aside from a few minor self revelations, i’m excited for this upcoming photo collaboration that i’m working on with a close friend. i had issues with developing my concept for my hyperreality project and i was kindof upset that i ended up being the subject of the project ( but ive decided the entire premise of levitation is based on the unbearable lightness of being. there are two aspects to this concept; the lightness of lift versus the heaviness. gravity, in this case represents the decisions we make, the consequences we fear, the idea of the “eternal return”. in contrast, there is also the lightness of life, that which represents that there is no burden to life, we are free to live moment to moment. when we seek to attach meaning in life, this creates weight. the gravity demonstrated in my portraits is a metaphor for the reality. the power to levitate is the mental ability to rise above any sort of baggage that life creates for us.
…i dont know how i feel 😛
there needs to be a change of pace in my life.