Imagei’d like to go somewhere far. when im in an unfamiliar place, i get this anxiety..but more of an anticipation. i’ve been seeing the same gotdamn places for a long time now and im so ready for a new venture. i was with a close friend the other day.. she’s pregnant and i realized that she was for sure not going anywhere anytime soon. having such a huge commitment like that takes so much mental strength and discipline. to love somebody that much. right now, i’m really trying to focus on me. i feel that i haven’t experienced enough to trust myself to raise another human being. i guess i’m not entirely ready to put somebody before myself, i’m just not responsible enough. im still reckless, why would i jeopardize anothers life? ugh… i’m not one to judge but seriously some families are just too content in their own spot. there’s no progression.. just hella kids. i dont know, i cant judge since i’ve never been in that position. but seriously! kids are fun for like the first two years, then its just straight child rearing and disciplining after that. why do people wanna raise growing kids when theyre still growing? its like after that there’s NO turning back. that kid is yours for the next 20+ years! fuck… 

anyway i think ill take some time to reflect on my own relationship, not others. i’m bored as shit. how do you dump someone?? cuz i sure as hell don’t know how. every time i try i end up changing my mind and i just let time sort of ruin everything. i cant stand a relationship with no progression. or maybe im just obsessed with that first stage of a relationship. the one where you guys are infatuated with each other and do it all over the place while still getting to know each other. i need that electric feeling again..its so rare. i think im just holding onto this comfort that i can certainly harvest in a friend, not even a companion. i hate when you’ve been with someone for so long that people kind of define you guys as one.. or am i supposed to like it, or something? why does it bother me so much.. this discomfort isn’t natural. most the time people who do that are just people i kinda know who don’t know what else to tlak to me about. fake people who don’t know how to carry conversations without gossiping. its so rare to get a decent conversation from anyone. people are such avid users for social networks, but they suck at communicating! why the fuck doesn’t anyone answer phone calls anymore?! but you can text me back in a quick second.. bullshit. people are finding loopholes outside of awkward conversations. man the fuck up and just give a good rebuttal! nobody is cool anymore..  i feel like im just babbling on and i get no sort of satisfying or intriguing input. people are just disinterested idiots. and anytime i do get a semi-cool conversation some guy is just trying to do me. am i being too choosy or something? im just not into anything that’s on my plate. i guess the mature thing to do would be to just man the fuck up and do the deed. but i tried doing it! and all i got was stupid mush. guh….. so over this relationship.. so over this chapter of my life! graduation must come sooner! 

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