im so hard headed. ill come around eventually. i can kind of feel my guard already wearing off. but not now.
So yeah I’m just using my old laptop and I forgot how great this laptop is lol it’s been through sooo much! I don’t think I’ll ever give my bebe away :3. Anyway found some old photos and was like aye!
I love the mellowness of these last couple days. I feel like I’m sorta sitting on some little boat drifting to the end of the year. Though once the year ends I have a whole list of things to do!
I guess I’ll make it nowsies:
lol ya thats it. I’ve been lazy with my actual design portfolio because work and school consume all of my creative energy!! But I would really like to get back into what I started. I’ve been on a super long creative vacay haha. I’m so excited to graduate though. Ohh the possibilities! The free time! DAS MUNNIES!
i went away with some college friends for some posh event held at a hotel. i was simply there for moral support. it was very upscale, ill admit did feel a little out of place going. i had no money, i had just moved into my new apartment. it was something of a tree house and my roommates were less than pleasant. i had to leave that apartment for a few days.
for some reason, i had decided to wear a not so flattering shirt and jungle pants; the entire outfit emphasized my love handles. i looked almost pregnant. this didnt help the fact that i didn’t want to be at this event all together. during the entire event i felt like i was floating around. sort of walking through the people, not really interested in getting to know anyone. it was almost as if people around me had no faces and i had no motive to paint a picture. an attractive woman walked past me, her outfit looked expensive. she definitely works out..and mesh material is always a nice subtle touch. negative thoughts about my body consumed me once again. glasses of champagne accumulated. the only good thing about this event. i faintly thought about my boyfriend. a faint thought. his face didnt even show up in my mind, i just knew we were together and i hoped to see him soon after this.
my old college roommate and her boyfriend found me. she was definitely drunk. i was buzzed but still mellow enough to ponder my insecurities. my roommate slurred something to me, her boyfriend translated to me that everyone was ready to go back to the hotel room. so we went back. i had forgotten my friends boyfriend also brought his best friend. we had to share a bed. i wasn’t attracted to him that much unless i put my mind to it. he was a marine and had a nice body. but he was definitely crazy. he was married, but very unhappy. one of those army marriages. he seemed impulsive to me. we’ve texted from time to time, i like that he listens to me when my boyfriend doesnt. there was one night where i got incredibly drunk and it somehow turned into a double date to him. ever since then he’s been fixated on me but i never fed into it. as i laid down and pondered these thoughts i suddenly feel him grab me in the dark. the blanket was over my head but i feel him press his body on mine and pushed his lips to mine in an aggressive manner. i hesitated. as i thought about my boyfriend, i also wondered if i would like it if i kissed back. i am in fact, a pretty good kisser. my lips were tight, but then they softened. i was still for a second, and then i let my once dormant excitement rush into my stomach. it was pushing me to kiss back. so i did. he was obviously pleased that this spontaneous move actually triggered a positive reaction. his hands greedily pulled me closer as i ignored my thoughts of guilt. i let my body enjoy it as my heart weeped a little. as we continued to eat each others faces i saw a flash. my attention was broken, and i shifted my head to the right only to find another friend (who really was only a mutual friend) sitting with her camera. she grinned and continued to take photos like an erratic paparazzi. i lazily put myself in the beetle position and used the blankets as a shield to hide myself from the camera. she obviously had no idea that i had a boyfriend and was pleased to see some sort of love connection form on this trip. she continued to take photos on her old digital camera. i let her, she has been taking pictures this whole weekend. she showed me photos from the event and i said “i look pregnant. thanks.” i started thinking about how fat i was and how i wish i could work out. maybe if i set up a workout plan. i would feel so much better if i wasnt fat. my drunk friend and her boyfriend were passed out.
i was peeved and over all of this, so i got up. simultaneously there was a door knock. i walked to the door and opened it without thinking to look through the peek hole. there sitting with his two arms heavily planted on the ground was my boyfriend. he was a gorilla. he gave amazing, sometimes deadly hugs. this was casual to me. it never registered in my head that i was dating a gorilla. he still made me happy. and he was very forgiving. i almost felt like there was absolutely no possible way for him to ever dump me.
regardless as to whether or not i was expecting him, i welcomed him in an exciting manner. “come in! come in!” without hesitation, i introduced him to my friends. what had just happened seemed funny to me. impulsively, i told him to look at the pictures our friend had been taking the entire weekend. he nodded and as we passed each other i grabbed him and kissed him. i affectionately said i love you. i knew he wasn’t going to be pleased, for some reason this feeling intrigued me. i was curious to see what he would say, how he would react. i planted myself on the bed next to them. i heard a grunt, then a growl followed. his shoulders tensed and he roared, smashing a table to the floor. from mellow to completely horrified i instinctively ran to the bathroom. i slammed the door shut, just enough before he grabbed the handle. thankfully there was a deadlock on the door. after i locked the door i was terrified of the noises coming from the other side. banging, loud cries, i knew things were being shattered and broken. anxious and unsure of what to do, i threw myself in the bath tub and hid under the shower curtains in a beetle position. the door was slowly breaking down, unable to maintain my gorilla boyfriends blows. as i watched the battered door bend, i thought about how helpless i was. why did i tell him to look at the pictures?! it was so unnecessary. now i was going to die. i thought about different ways he was going to kill me. was he going to throw me around? beat me senseless? what would it feel like? my mind was racing, i wondered if i reallly was going to die. i was hysterical, counting down the ways i was going to be mutilated. his anger overpowered his usual need to forgive. this time i wouldnt be able to say sorry. i was tired of waiting for my death. lets just get this overwith. i wondered if he was going to throw me around or climb some building. i thought about how uncomfortable it would be to be in his hand. i just want to die already and not think about dying. ran out of the bathroom and faced him. when he stood on all fours he was a giant. i was expecting him to grab me, like in that movie king kong. but he just stood, breathing heavily. i cried about how sorry i was and said i didnt know what i was thinking. i apologized over and over again. he reacted by notioning to grab me. i screamed and instinctively ran. i heard his heavy thuds behind me but i kept running. we were on the first floor so i ended up in the lobby. i screamed at the hotel guests sitting in the lobby.
“I NEED HELP!”
“SOMEBODY CALL HELP!”
they looked at me. someone suggested, “like, a doctor?”
“NO LIKE THE COPS OR SOMETHING!”
“oh, did you want us to call?”
“OMG YOU GUYS ARE USELESS.”
they responded with more useless suggestions.
i turned around and before i could react my gorilla boyfriend grabbed me. i waited to die. but instead he gave me a rope from one of the hotel instillations and swung me on it. i flew through the room on this rope, like i was flying. i felt like those circus performers that swung on trapezes. i felt the rush of flying as i gained more height. i was swinging through the lobby.
and that was my crazy dream! i felt so many emotions! the self loathing, the excitement, the fear of dying, then flying. it was suuuuuch a weird intricate dream and i remembered everything! so i had to type it out so i wouldnt forget.
“You will fall in love with someone who annoys you, whose orgasm face looks and feels pathetic. Despite all of this, there’s something keeping you drawn to them, something that makes you want to protect them from the harsh world. What you fail to realize, however, is that you are the harsh world. You aren’t their noble protector — you are someone to be protected from but it takes a lot of dates, a lot of nights where you question whether or not you are actually a good person, for this to ever resonate with you. When it’s over and whatever love is left is put back in the fridge like a sad plate of leftovers, you will finally understand that you have the power to hurt someone. You can either hurt them or love them and it’s up to you to decide what kind of role you would like to take on in future relationships. What feels more comfortable — being the one who loves more or being the one who’s loved less?
You will fall in love with someone who’s cold and always seemingly pushing you away. When all is said and done, they will be forever known as the one person you couldn’t get to love you. Unfortunately, it will hurt and sting worse than the good ones, the ones that chopped up your meat for you and picked out an eyelash from your eye and were nice to your mother, because love often feels like a game we need to win. And when we lose, when we realize we couldn’t get what we ultimately desired from a person, it makes us feel like a failure and erases all the memories of those who loved us in the past. It’s a permanent smudge on your love resume.
You will fall in love with someone for one night and one night only. They’ll come to you when you need them and be gone in the morning when you don’t. At first, this will make you feel empty and you’ll try to convince yourself that you could’ve loved this person for longer than a night, but you can’t. Some people are just meant to make cameo appearances, some are destined to be a pithy footnote. That’s okay though. Not every person we love has to stick around. Sometimes it’s better to leave while you’re still ahead. Sometimes it’s better to leave before you get unloved.
You will fall in love with the old couple down the street because to you they represent the impossible: a stable, long-lasting love. You’re trying to get someone to like you for more than ten minutes. A monogamous “never get sick of ya” love seems unfathomable. “What’s your secret, sir? Do you just say yes a lot?”
You will fall in love with smells, the good and the bad kind. You will want to wear your lovers shirt because it makes you feel close to them and you’re okay with being that PYSCHO who is legitimately sniffing their shirt in public. You will fall in love with sweat, certain perfumes, the smell of the season in which you fell in love. This particular love smells like fall. It smells like Halloween and a roaring fire and leaves and fog and mist and candy and food and family and whiskey and sex and the lint that collects on sweaters. When it ends, if it ends, you will never experience another fall without thinking of him, her, it. The memories will stick to the ground like a mound of leaves and will only dissipate when the weather drops.
You will fall in love with your friends. Deep, passionate love. You will create a second family with them, a kind of tribe that makes you feel less vulnerable. Sometimes our families can’t love us all the time. Sometimes we’re born into families who don’t know how to love us properly. They do as much as they can but the rest is up to our friends. They can love you all the time, without judgement. At least the good ones can.
This is where I’m supposed to tell you that you will fall in love with The One, a person who isn’t too cold or too nice. Their “O” face is perfectly fine and they’re not afraid to show how much they love you. This person is supposed to wait for us at the end of the twentysomething road as some kind of reward for all the heartache and loneliness. We deserve them. We’ve earned this kind of love.
So fine. You’re going to fall in love with The One. You’re going to fall in love with someone who will make sense beyond college or a job or a particular season. They’ll make sense forever and won’t ever want to leave you behind. I’m telling you this not because it’s true but because it NEEDS to be true. Everyone is entitled to this kind of love, so why not? Have it. It’s yours. Blow out the candles on your 30th birthday, holding their hand, and let out an exhale that’s been waiting for ten years. Do it. Now.”
i have a new photo project coming up. we have to make a 2 minute video that reveals a personal secret. it could be funny or serious, im still deciding what angle to go for. i think it’d be fun (and easy) to do something abstract. i suppose i have a lot of secrets, i just dont want to make it too easy to understand, or obvious i mean.
here is an example that had the right amount of obscurity:
were learning about bungalows in class. i like bungalows. the architecture is nice. conveniently, they’re all over naglee park, which is where i stay. my best friend and her husband actually live in one. one day i figured i’d go for a drive and look at them. bungalows.
there’s quite a variety around town. my best friend just moved into hers. they’re everywhere in this part of town. every neighborhood has at least a few. ive been driving for a while and there’s another bungalow. im obsessed with my best friend. i cant stop thinking of her…and how she’ll never love me the way i love her.. even if i didnt have a boyfriend..even if she wasn’t married and living her own life in her comfy bungalow. i wish i wasn’t so obsessed with her. its been the longest four years of my life.
it’s hard to portray that presentation with only words. the music and the exponential rhythm of the still photos the student used really added to the anxious feeling. but i liked how she started off with something random, like bungalows and made the connection that anything can remind you of the person you love, or something that’s bothering you. anyway, i’d like to start with something obscure but just enough meaning so that i dont look like a cunt. i suppose i could explore some major skeletons in my closet. should be fun.
whenever i’m actually “away” from the internet… there’s like a wave of happiness that my life isnt so dependent on social networks. its refreshing being away from twitter, facebook, and tumblr.. weird how it’s such a necessity, a social marketing, a means of simple communication for people today.
people on the internet are so sad..so thirsty….. so stupid… no souls… just reblogged personality…
well. im still sick. im writing a paper about the circle of life and mufasa’s majestic voice keeps haunting me in my head every time i try to read it over. my room is a freakn ice box so i can’t wait to invest my hard earned money into a room heater thing. i ate a lot of sushi today… by myself.. in my room.. which doesn’t make it seem so sad!