Image i went away with some college friends for some posh event held at a hotel. i was simply there for moral support. it was very upscale, ill admit did feel a little out of place going. i had no money, i had just moved into my new apartment. it was something of a tree house and my roommates were less than pleasant. i had to leave that apartment for a few days.

for some reason, i had decided to wear a not so flattering shirt and jungle pants; the entire outfit emphasized my love handles. i looked almost pregnant. this didnt help the fact that i didn’t want to be at this event all together. during the entire event i felt like i was floating around. sort of walking through the people, not really interested in getting to know anyone. it was almost as if people around me had no faces and i had no motive to paint a picture. an attractive woman walked past me, her outfit looked expensive. she definitely works out..and mesh material is always a nice subtle touch. negative thoughts about my body consumed me once again. glasses of champagne accumulated. the only good thing about this event. i faintly thought about my boyfriend. a faint thought. his face didnt even show up in my mind, i just knew we were together and i hoped to see him soon after this.

my old college roommate and her boyfriend found me. she was definitely drunk. i was buzzed but still mellow enough to ponder my insecurities. my roommate slurred something to me, her boyfriend translated to me that everyone was ready to go back to the hotel room. so we went back. i had forgotten my friends boyfriend also brought his best friend. we had to share a bed. i wasn’t attracted to him that much unless i put my mind to it. he was a marine and had a nice body. but he was definitely crazy. he was married, but very unhappy. one of those army marriages. he seemed impulsive to me. we’ve texted from time to time, i like that he listens to me when my boyfriend doesnt. there was one night where i got incredibly drunk and it somehow turned into a double date to him. ever since then he’s been fixated on me but i never fed into it. as i laid down and pondered these thoughts i suddenly feel him grab me in the dark. the blanket was over my head but i feel him press his body on mine and pushed his lips to mine in an aggressive manner. i hesitated. as i thought about my boyfriend, i also wondered if i would like it if i kissed back. i am in fact, a pretty good kisser. my lips were tight, but then they softened. i was still for a second, and then i let my once dormant excitement rush into my stomach. it was pushing me to kiss back. so i did. he was obviously pleased that this spontaneous move actually triggered a positive reaction. his hands greedily pulled me closer as i ignored my thoughts of guilt. i let my body enjoy it as my heart weeped a little. as we continued to eat each others faces i saw a flash. my attention was broken, and i shifted my head to the right only to find another friend (who really was only a mutual friend) sitting with her camera. she grinned and continued to take photos like an erratic paparazzi. i lazily put myself in the beetle position and used the blankets as a shield to hide myself from the camera. she obviously had no idea that i had a boyfriend and was pleased to see some sort of love connection form on this trip. she continued to take photos on her old digital camera. i let her, she has been taking pictures this whole weekend. she showed me photos from the event and i said “i look pregnant. thanks.” i started thinking about how fat i was and how i wish i could work out. maybe if i set up a workout plan. i would feel so much better if i wasnt fat. my drunk friend and her boyfriend were passed out.

i was peeved and over all of this, so i got up. simultaneously there was a door knock. i walked to the door and opened it without thinking to look through the peek hole. there sitting with his two arms heavily planted on the ground was my boyfriend. he was a gorilla. he gave amazing, sometimes deadly hugs. Imagethis was casual to me. it never registered in my head that i was dating a gorilla. he still made me happy. and he was very forgiving. i almost felt like there was absolutely no possible way for him to ever dump me.

regardless as to whether or not i was expecting him, i  welcomed him in an exciting manner. “come in! come in!” without hesitation, i introduced him to my friends. what had just happened seemed funny to me. impulsively, i told him to look at the pictures our friend had been taking the entire weekend. he nodded and as we passed each other i grabbed him and kissed him. i affectionately said i love you. i knew he wasn’t going to be pleased, for some reason this feeling intrigued me. i was curious to see what he would say, how he would react. i planted myself on the bed next to them. i heard a grunt, then a growl followed. his shoulders tensed and he roared, smashing a table to the floor. from mellow to completely horrified i instinctively ran to the bathroom. i slammed the door shut, just enough before he grabbed the handle. thankfully there was a deadlock on the door. after i locked the door i was terrified of the noises coming from the other side. banging, loud cries, i knew things were being shattered and broken. anxious and unsure of what to do, i threw myself in the bath tub and hid under the shower curtains in a beetle position. the door was slowly breaking down, unable to maintain my gorilla boyfriends blows. as i watched the battered door bend, i thought about how helpless i was. why did i tell him to look at the pictures?! it was so unnecessary. now i was going to die. i thought about different ways he was going to kill me. was he going to throw me around? beat me senseless? what would it feel like? my mind was racing, i wondered if i reallly was going to die. i was hysterical, counting down the ways i was going to be mutilated. his anger overpowered his usual need to forgive. this time i wouldnt be able to say sorry. i was tired of waiting for my death. lets just get this overwith. i wondered if he was going to throw me around or climb some building. i thought about how uncomfortable it would be to be in his hand. i just want to die already and not think about dying. ran out of the bathroom and faced him. when he stood on all fours he was a giant. i was expecting him to grab me, like in that movie king kong. but he just stood, breathing heavily. i cried about how sorry i was and said i didnt know what i was thinking. i apologized over and over again. he reacted by notioning to grab me. i screamed and instinctively ran. i heard his heavy thuds behind me but i kept running. we were on the first floor so i ended up in the lobby. i screamed at the hotel guests sitting in the lobby.


no response.


they looked at me. someone suggested, “like, a doctor?”


“oh, did you want us to call?”


they responded with more useless suggestions.

i turned around and before i could react my gorilla boyfriend grabbed me. i waited to die. but instead he gave me a rope from one of the hotel instillations and swung me on it. i flew through the room on this rope, like i was flying. i felt like those circus performers that swung on trapezes. i felt the rush of flying as i gained more height. i was swinging through the lobby.

and that was my crazy dream! i felt so many emotions! the self loathing, the excitement, the fear of dying, then flying. it was suuuuuch a weird intricate dream and i remembered everything! so i had to type it out so i wouldnt forget.

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