you know how in forgetting sarah marshall jason segel’s character kinda falls into a funk after sarah dumps him? sadly i think im going through that. also im very sick so that doesnt help much either. i feel very unkempt, pleasantly plump from holiday food, and im seeing a whole lot of my family. ive been wearing my american flag onesie damn near all week! and my tunnel vision makes it hard for me to even pursue someone new. my humor is skewed, im sort of turning into that asshole with dark jokes. i sort of feel like my mojo is gone and if anyone tried talking to me i wouldnt have anything witty or fun to say back. probably just a “heh..i know right?” why am i acting like a middle age fuck ass who just got out of a 15 year relationship? i just feel very useless. the absence of friends makes it even harder because i feel even more insignificant. celebration of the new year doesnt look very promising with my fatigue and lack of enthusiasm. it seems drugs will most likely celebrate for me while my mind seems completely preoccupied with figuring out how to escape this newly dumped funk. ive been around my family for a week and im sort of feeling like i can go a few months not seeing them haha. im thankful that theyve kept me busy during these times.

feeling extra clouded these past few days. i think i owe someone an apology. but my prides too strong and my impulsive mentality is telling me to make a move before i get hurt. its always like that, but i usually end up feeling bad in the end. im thinking about things ive never thought about and its weirding me out because it makes me feel like i have less control over the situation. its not a joke anymore i guess, as it never should have been. 

anyway it sucks because i dont really have any friends these days. my high school friends are busy with their own lives and im literally hanging by a thread with the few that i have back at school. i dont really know what to do. like what, go to a bar by myself and meet new people? sounds pretty desperate. that and going to shows with guys i dont really like. i kinda find myself scraping for activities to keep myself busy. i havent had fun in a while. im just a grandma :[. nobody is fun to hang out with, joke about stupid things, talk about stupid semi important things. that 80/20 rule.. i cant tell anymore. i just cant fucking tell. i find myself re-evaluating everything. the things i did seemed so heartless and i was too busy thinking about the other heartless things i did before that to even realize that i was hurting somebody else. i mean i knew, but i was fixated on something else. i think i just need to start new, forget about the past and let myself love unconditionally. i spent my last relationship scared to give myself up completely. in a way that might have been a good decision, or it might have led my relationship to the shitters that it is right now. not sure, im in self loathing mode right now. holiday food come down and such. but seriously, who do i have now…its just me really

expectations are a waste of energy. all they do is create fantastic scenarios in your mind but once everything is over and done with you’re more likely to be shortchanged. at least, thats whats been happening to me lately. 

i woke up feeling different today. the past few days i think ive just been getting fed up with my woes and i just snapped into it. i dont want you anymore. and it feels okay. 

but its like, man i spent a big chunk of my life really tripping. i dont regret any of it, but it took one small conversation for me to sorta slap myself out of this daze. 

in terms of my other situation, i hope i havent lost a best friend. i still dont know how i feel, right now i DO feel really really horrible for not keeping everything 100. i feel like im a really shitty girlfriend. no one deserves that kind of treatment.. especially for a first serious one. my boyfriend really went out of his way to take care of me. i think our relationship turned into something mushy, but i think its just cuz were different people. its too early to say how things will turn out, but i like this idea of taking a break from every one. 

this is what irregular bc is like:

I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE US I HATE EVERYTHING

TERRIBLE THINGS TO SAY TERRIBLE FEELINGS

(then im super numb and empty inside)

then i feel regret and embarrassment

then im back to being balanced.. or thinking i am

this is my last month of taking birth control. i really cant stand the emotional baggage. and i dont have sex anyway so i feel like im murdering my reproductive system over nothing. i feel very neglected, very defeated. it is emotionally draining putting all your energy into one intense feeling.

this feels very weird to say, but sometimes i get so emotionally unbalanced that i almost forget everything going on: where i am, who i am, whats going on. ill be crying hysterically then i just stop and stare into nothing and then im completely numb. i feel so enthralled to hurt someone, to channel this negative energy. like i feel like something negative is consumed into me and i have to get rid of it somehow. i havent felt something so terrible in so long.. i cant explain this feeling. it feels horrible, like theres a monster inside of you and nobody knows. it makes you feel very lonely and unheard.

ImageImagining the future is kind of nostalgia. You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you’ll escape one day, and how awesome it will be, an imagining the future keeps you going, but you never do i. You just use the future to escape the present.

So I was going through my drafts and I found a fairly long blog. im not entirely sure if i already posted it but i read it totes LOL’ed all over myself. i crack myself up sometimes. ive really trained myself how to express myself through blogs haha. its been hooowwww many years?! like 7! lol OMG I LOVE BLOGGING. i really miss my old blog. i wish i hadn’t deleted it.. it would be interesting to go back and read.

i’ve always been enthralled to document my daily whereabouts. ive been writing in a journal since i was 6. one time i took my diary to show and tell and i guess the “popular girls” (very funny since one of them is now one of my close friends lol) asked to read it. me being socially awkward anxiously let them only to be told that i was a very boring kid who read books at recess.

i remember when my grandma used to live with me she would buy me kid magazines. one of them was the nickelodeon magazine and the other was some religious arts and crafts kid magazine haha. it made the suggestion that we should write future notes to ourselves just to see how our future selves would react. ooomg i wrote myself so many letters. id ask future maygan if she had a boyfriend, whats it like having a period, whats it like having a best friend (aww). i also read a few nonfictional “diary-esque” books, one of them including the Anne Frank diary and i was very fascinated with the premise of leaving your legacy. i always wondered what would happen if middle school kids might just find my life interesting enough to read in class 60 years from now. i still wonder, but i know i sound like a lot of other kids. anyway i still find the whole concept enthralling. and why not. its nice writing down your thoughts.

anyway heres the old blog. i believe it was from august-octoberish.

“im not a pothead (poh-theed) but i do enjoy my weeds. i think ive been doing it more often to sedate myself! plus i havent had sex in months it feels like. its okay to talk about weed and sex on here because….nobody reads this blog, which is 200% okay with me lol

i think i fear that my life is growing more and more boring. repetitious. i dont even download music anymore. and now i like waking up early. im getting old waaaahh. what other old people stuff do i like. i dunno, i get drunk really fast. i dont watch tv? i used to think not having tv would make me more intelligent but i just feel more disconnected to the world haha, fail. i can tell when im not satisfied with life through my design. im way less inspired, less creative :p. even when there was hella drama in my life at least i was designing something. now im just rolling through the motions. nobody around here thinks thats a problem.. the only people who wanna do fun stuff are the people who want to do me that i cant work up any sexual tension towards lmao. i tried picturing it….then i was like, mmmmmmNOPE lol. sadly ive put myself in situations where i tried lowering my standards for my wants and all i got was super disappointment and hella guilt. ya know ignoring the fact that this person is an idiot, or something. instantly it was like wow what a fucking waste of morale.

not sure what to do about my situation. i should probably stop whining about it. they say its pointless to turn a positive into a negative, but i cant tell if this is even a positive situation? i feel like a puppy and someones just patting my head like, “okay thats enough. next time.” like MOTHERFUUU. is this a game or something? blah im over pondering this situation. maybe i can be like those super successful hot ladies that dont have sex because theyre so hot and successful, ya know like in those black people movies (no racial). yeah, guess ill have to channel my inner taraji! my inner gabby union! first i need to work out….fuuu.”

Imagethe year of 2012 has officially gone completely dry. im pretty much ready to move into the new year. another year has passed. 2013 seems like an ugly number..i dont dig odd numbered years so hopefully this upcoming year is a good one.

where has the time gone? i feel as though im just bullshitting every day, not really soaking anything in. still feeling uninspired. i got more work done though, been smoking less weed. not that im not letting my horrible time management off the hook. i have the worst time management skills. my mind seems to be somewhere else.. i honestly am not sure where its actually at lol. i just breeze through my days and once in a while ill get a little spark of excitement. work isnt helping, school isn’t helping, and my poor attempts at maintaining a social life are juuust….

i feel like im forever haunted, like a dark cloud has been following me around the past few months. my mind is rarely ever at rest .. very consumed in short term worries. i hate feeling like this but why is my body so used to this stress. what would it take for me to just stop and relax..i know this because i can feel it in my work. i was looking at earlier photo albums and i seemed more excited back then, i had time for everything..  now i just make up excuses for things i dont even care about. i sort of feel like my minds been tainted over the last few semesters being in my field. ive greatly improved in technique, but im so resentful and critical about my creativity… too much comparing and self-loathing. i suppose this would all be different if i thought in a more constructive sensibility rather than bashing myself for “not coming up with that idea”. im still learning i guess.. the discipline still bothers me.