the year of 2012 has officially gone completely dry. im pretty much ready to move into the new year. another year has passed. 2013 seems like an ugly number..i dont dig odd numbered years so hopefully this upcoming year is a good one.
where has the time gone? i feel as though im just bullshitting every day, not really soaking anything in. still feeling uninspired. i got more work done though, been smoking less weed. not that im not letting my horrible time management off the hook. i have the worst time management skills. my mind seems to be somewhere else.. i honestly am not sure where its actually at lol. i just breeze through my days and once in a while ill get a little spark of excitement. work isnt helping, school isn’t helping, and my poor attempts at maintaining a social life are juuust….
i feel like im forever haunted, like a dark cloud has been following me around the past few months. my mind is rarely ever at rest .. very consumed in short term worries. i hate feeling like this but why is my body so used to this stress. what would it take for me to just stop and relax..i know this because i can feel it in my work. i was looking at earlier photo albums and i seemed more excited back then, i had time for everything.. now i just make up excuses for things i dont even care about. i sort of feel like my minds been tainted over the last few semesters being in my field. ive greatly improved in technique, but im so resentful and critical about my creativity… too much comparing and self-loathing. i suppose this would all be different if i thought in a more constructive sensibility rather than bashing myself for “not coming up with that idea”. im still learning i guess.. the discipline still bothers me.