Imagining the future is kind of nostalgia. You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you’ll escape one day, and how awesome it will be, an imagining the future keeps you going, but you never do i. You just use the future to escape the present.
So I was going through my drafts and I found a fairly long blog. im not entirely sure if i already posted it but i read it totes LOL’ed all over myself. i crack myself up sometimes. ive really trained myself how to express myself through blogs haha. its been hooowwww many years?! like 7! lol OMG I LOVE BLOGGING. i really miss my old blog. i wish i hadn’t deleted it.. it would be interesting to go back and read.
i’ve always been enthralled to document my daily whereabouts. ive been writing in a journal since i was 6. one time i took my diary to show and tell and i guess the “popular girls” (very funny since one of them is now one of my close friends lol) asked to read it. me being socially awkward anxiously let them only to be told that i was a very boring kid who read books at recess.
i remember when my grandma used to live with me she would buy me kid magazines. one of them was the nickelodeon magazine and the other was some religious arts and crafts kid magazine haha. it made the suggestion that we should write future notes to ourselves just to see how our future selves would react. ooomg i wrote myself so many letters. id ask future maygan if she had a boyfriend, whats it like having a period, whats it like having a best friend (aww). i also read a few nonfictional “diary-esque” books, one of them including the Anne Frank diary and i was very fascinated with the premise of leaving your legacy. i always wondered what would happen if middle school kids might just find my life interesting enough to read in class 60 years from now. i still wonder, but i know i sound like a lot of other kids. anyway i still find the whole concept enthralling. and why not. its nice writing down your thoughts.
anyway heres the old blog. i believe it was from august-octoberish.
“im not a pothead (poh-theed) but i do enjoy my weeds. i think ive been doing it more often to sedate myself! plus i havent had sex in months it feels like. its okay to talk about weed and sex on here because….nobody reads this blog, which is 200% okay with me lol
i think i fear that my life is growing more and more boring. repetitious. i dont even download music anymore. and now i like waking up early. im getting old waaaahh. what other old people stuff do i like. i dunno, i get drunk really fast. i dont watch tv? i used to think not having tv would make me more intelligent but i just feel more disconnected to the world haha, fail. i can tell when im not satisfied with life through my design. im way less inspired, less creative :p. even when there was hella drama in my life at least i was designing something. now im just rolling through the motions. nobody around here thinks thats a problem.. the only people who wanna do fun stuff are the people who want to do me that i cant work up any sexual tension towards lmao. i tried picturing it….then i was like, mmmmmmNOPE lol. sadly ive put myself in situations where i tried lowering my standards for my wants and all i got was super disappointment and hella guilt. ya know ignoring the fact that this person is an idiot, or something. instantly it was like wow what a fucking waste of morale.
not sure what to do about my situation. i should probably stop whining about it. they say its pointless to turn a positive into a negative, but i cant tell if this is even a positive situation? i feel like a puppy and someones just patting my head like, “okay thats enough. next time.” like MOTHERFUUU. is this a game or something? blah im over pondering this situation. maybe i can be like those super successful hot ladies that dont have sex because theyre so hot and successful, ya know like in those black people movies (no racial). yeah, guess ill have to channel my inner taraji! my inner gabby union! first i need to work out….fuuu.”