feeling extra clouded these past few days. i think i owe someone an apology. but my prides too strong and my impulsive mentality is telling me to make a move before i get hurt. its always like that, but i usually end up feeling bad in the end. im thinking about things ive never thought about and its weirding me out because it makes me feel like i have less control over the situation. its not a joke anymore i guess, as it never should have been. 

anyway it sucks because i dont really have any friends these days. my high school friends are busy with their own lives and im literally hanging by a thread with the few that i have back at school. i dont really know what to do. like what, go to a bar by myself and meet new people? sounds pretty desperate. that and going to shows with guys i dont really like. i kinda find myself scraping for activities to keep myself busy. i havent had fun in a while. im just a grandma :[. nobody is fun to hang out with, joke about stupid things, talk about stupid semi important things. that 80/20 rule.. i cant tell anymore. i just cant fucking tell. i find myself re-evaluating everything. the things i did seemed so heartless and i was too busy thinking about the other heartless things i did before that to even realize that i was hurting somebody else. i mean i knew, but i was fixated on something else. i think i just need to start new, forget about the past and let myself love unconditionally. i spent my last relationship scared to give myself up completely. in a way that might have been a good decision, or it might have led my relationship to the shitters that it is right now. not sure, im in self loathing mode right now. holiday food come down and such. but seriously, who do i have now…its just me really

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