how can one person make you feel so… alone. i find myself constantly reminding myself that i deserve a maniac. i tell myself this but i dont feel any better. i just think about what i did wrong..maybe i shouldve acted differently. there’s a whole bunch of scenarios going through my head but i guess it is what it is….i wish i could just skip this part. find a new distraction. but i cant do that if im sitting at home……

here’s a nice ranting blog post from your average blogger. i truly feel like i deserve a little bit more than whats on my plate right now. there are a number of people who i fully respect and would go out of my way for…and yet i just feel like im being stiffed. i feel like im being shorthanded on a number of different subjects… im 70% sure this is a superficial problem but i just feel super under appreciated! yes im gonna stomp my feet and stick my fingers in my nose and get mad at everything and everyone because i feel like a forgotten child. left in the dust. i just feel that i have so much to offer, and im a firm believer in karma. yes i know this is the most selfish, egotistical blog but i do feel like ive tried. and yet im translucent. perhaps im being selective when i cry about “nobody cares”. i probably am. but god! am i doing something wrong? i feel like a fucking martyr. im so sick of being nice and forgiving. and i dont know what to do about it. im just so bored of everyone. everyones busy with their own lives. sometimes i want a break from my own life, its interesting to peer into others. but everyones busy doing their own thing. i think it just sort of hit me when i realized my boyfriend (well now ex) knocked me a few notches down his priority list. whats wrong with wanting to feel important. its selfish but its human nature unfortunately. i wish i could just live a simple buddhist life, but unfortunately im aware of what im capable of. and right now, the people in my life, aside from my family and literally one single friend, are lame lame lame.


[edit]: i felt tremendo butter after that post. great to know my blog is like my best friend. and the first world problems continue..

last night I slept in my sisters bed while she was away at my cousins. I had a hard time falling asleep but by 330 am I felt myself slowly nodding away.

even though I knew I was asleep I felt a presence as if I wasn’t the I only one in the room. That feeling that somebody is staring at you felt like thin spiders crawling on me. I knew better than to let my paranoia get the best of me. Sometimes it would be so quiet I could feel the rhythm of breathing that was off beat to mine. I remember allowing myself to fall back asleep, it was an easy task to ignore. Yet my eyes would suddenly open and quickly shift to the closet and door from time to time. A slow blur back to sleep, and then I was back to staring at the open doors of darkness. I figured I was obviously bothered by the open door so I worked up the energy to get out of bed and shut the door. As I made the notion to push the door, I felt an abrupt push from the other side. It was so forceful I almost fell backwards. Bewildered and anxious I tilted my head to see what was on the other side of the door, but it was literally a life sized ball of darkness. I leaned closer to make out this figure even though I knew it was something I’d rather leave alone. It remained dark.

Then I woke up and it was a dream and I was once again engulfed in darkness okay bye.

TL of my relationships:

  1. switched schools, noticed he took interest in me, innocent talking (phone, letters, recess time), freaked out, felt too young, bounced
  2. was friends with my cousin, told me he liked me, shocked and intrigued by the randomness, got dumped cuz i was too boring lol 
  3. hit me up on myspace, talked to me on iM, very available; immediately friend zoned, told me he liked me, didnt know what to do about it bc i enjoyed the talking too much, lasted 2 months, bounced via phone. then i received my first angry drunk resentful message on myspace lol
  4. saw each other at school, concluded i had a crush on him, pursued me via myspace and in person, first everything, figured out we were completely different people, grew physically attached, finally dumped him b/c i found someone to be mentally attached to
  5. organically developed, best friends first, developed good relationship, intrigued by potential and incredibly different feeling, followed heart, grew up a little, grew up together and apart, one of the most prolific relationships ive ever had. the great white buffalo.  
  6. saw at party, dug into pot head charm, intended for rebound, trapped by pity, developed friendship in process of entrapment, introduced a different lifestyle to me, now im the one being pitied. recycled.

this was fun to write..

Imagei really do feel like my life is being played out as if i were in a movie starring myself. man i have been through the motions. i feel like you reach a certain age when you recognize how much you’ve been through and how much time has passed since. so weird that parents have been through it. i dunno i have so much respect for myself that i assume those younger than me know less that what i know haha. pretty arrogant mentality, but its like so much can happen in a few years. i sort of feel like im slowly developing compared to those my sisters age and what not. 

i feel old because i remember being younger and seeing stuff like “30 year anniversary”. whenever i see this, a sort of denial kicks in where im like, “the goonies was only made 15 years ago.” or my favorite disney movie was made when i was 4 and i still feel like it wasnt made so long ago since i remember so much. UGH memories. mental evidence of what shaped your current persona. i definitely notice the “stages” in my life.. the high school sweetheart, the heartbroken cousin, the infatuated best friend, the party girl, the curious one, the emotionally ripped girlfriend, the girlfriend, and now… i feel like im just a working girl. haha. 2013 started off so…differently. i was by myself. it makes me wonder whats going to happen this year. a new chapter in my life is emerging, theres a daunting feeling that this era of me is coming to an end. 

man if this isnt the most narcissistic blog! haha dizzam im all by myself singing “Me time….” hahaha in my tyler perry zone. maaaaan 

Imageif you could stick with one memory for the rest of your life which would it be? me being the most indecisive person in the world will probably never answer that question full heartedly. what would it take for me to be a more definite person? im always losing myself in something (or someone) apparently. ive been feeling super translucent these days. any source of warmth i find myself latching on. but its something im currently trying to work on even though its super hard since im basically ignoring any sort of feelings cuz i dont trust them. ive never been without someone but something tells me i need to start now. perhaps im like this because my parents are; theyve been dating since they were 19 and still act like high schoolers. which is cool but i guess its not for everyone. anyway ive been feeling super discouraged about the people i associate myself with. i cant tell if im blaming them for my dependability or that im just a lame person altogether. i suppose it’d be fun meeting new people, i just wish i had a cooler crowd to roll with haha. and my games super off, then again my “game” was just storytelling, basically lying, which means i suck at lying. but previously, my mentality when going out was usually to play games and poke fun at people instead of actually wanting to meet people. i feel like that lame guy from forgetting sarah marshall walking around the bar with puppy dog eyes. okay, i suppose it isnt that sad of a case, but i feel as though my social ability has been super thrown off. another reason is my cynical thinking. i sort of have this paranoia that everyone is a bullshitter when you’re at a social event.. but then again i tend to turn into a pathological liar (id like to think of it as an improv actor) when im drunk. i dunno iz be trippppppin. and its just only me. 

Photo on 12-27-12 at 2.08 PMive been sick for 2 weeks. my ma says im too stressed. my room back at school is too cold. my life is getting lamer by the second!! my motivation to do things is pretty dormant, this fatigue is super consuming. i feel like i have the body of a 60 something year old; sensitive eyes, sore muscles, and overall lack of enthusiasm.

im kinda tired living in my house now. maybe its the cold or something. theres just something unwelcoming about it :[. kinda sucks i have to use it as a storage room/place of living. not really sure what to do with all the extra crap from my room at home. i just want to move out and into my own place!!! i wish i had roommates 😦 i was thinking about how nice itd be to have pets but having friends to come home to would be cool.

anyway just wanna take a moment to thank my family. i was very bummed the last few weeks of the year because literally they were all i had. i was acting like a bummed out high schooler on her period. classic victim move. but im really thankful for my big family. im thankful for their individual personalities, the unconditional love, and i really do feel like im part of a team. my parents are especially a huge part of who i am. im happy they let me grow up in a free loving environment and their ability to love me no matter how absent minded, bipolar, wreckless i am. they always have my back, im honestly spoiled. im paying them back..this year!