i cant believe how long it’s been. it hasn’t been that long actually but my life has taken up a brand new pace, a very erratic pace. i forgot what it’s like to feel so unsure about yourself. i feel like i gave way less shits about my image when i was in a relationship. i’m all paranoid about my feelings. really hoping not to catch any too soon.. i feel too vulnerable. too eager to get comfortable again. do what i know, what i trust. maybe i’m feeling like this because i know i can get out of hand when i have too much freedom.
recently i’ve been shown new perspectives by hanging out with different groups of people. i’ve been more casual about reaching out to people, getting myself out of this anti social rut…i think i do this mostly because i’m too paranoid to have a night to myself..i’ll be really feeling sorry for myself and not even take into account the people i’ve passed by. so many people remind me that i’m in my own world, it makes me feel like a very selfish person. there is something about my ego that i need to work on. like perhaps not having one. i don’t get what my deal is. in some ways i feel like a fucking martyr and in other ways i catch myself completely consumed in my own worries. i can feel myself changing, leaving this person that i’ve worked nearly three years to develop. its weird how you realize how different things are once everything is over with. you’re no longer sharing your world this another person..it’s only you. from now on, i’m only concerned with myself. i have nobody else to take into account. sometimes i get sad thinking about the time i used to spend, the affection i used to get everyday. im sort of anxious to see who’s the next person to get my attention. i have met some interesting people the past few weeks… whoooo what a difference a few days makes… need to find a way to channel all these feelings into something positive. it could be much worse. at least im having fun lol. im starting to give myself more credit too. be less forgiving about things. i dont know why im so insecure. people keep reminding me that im more capable than what i figure.
is it so weird that i’m really involved with all these feelings? we all would like to believe that were independent people who can live life in a more mature manner. it feels like i’m living a double life. a part of me is this lost twenty something year old with the world at my feet…the chances i could take..the opportunities. and the other part of me is my “destiny”. maybe not my destiny.. but just the life i can settle for without a problem.
….how about that meteor? i wish aliens would just take over our planet already. that would make life more interesting. funny that in my earlier blog posts i literally begged for a change of pace, and now that things are changing i just want an alien invasion to satisfy my woes. fucking first world problems.
i am having a massive self loathing moment. interwebs is currently making me hate my body and some parts of my face. think it has to do with my break up. i cant wait to look back on this in a few months and be like “LOL thats funny i posted that.” but right now, im sad and feeling like i have nothing to offer. its funny how everyone develops that tunnel vision like “woe is meeeee im so insignificant blah blah blah.” i remember being in middle school and having to go through those puberty programs with their cautionary tale warnings about “ONE DAY YOU’LL HATE YOUR BODY!” i’ve honestly never had a problem with my body. im a petite lady blessed with my mother’s metabolism and skin (but my personality is entirely my dads) so i’ve always been pretty a-okay with everything. yaah i’ve been an A-cup my whole life and for some reason fat refuses to slip past my love handles. but as long as im not morbidly obese or skinny im content. soo whyyyy am i in my twenties feeling sorry for myself like im the only 13 year old with A-cups in the locker room? i really am just sitting here feeling sorry for myself. its a fucking shame but it really is like your brain is your frenemy. i trust my brain because it’s mine and yet it’s literally whispering all these tiny terrible things in my mind. guess i gotta jesssss
I’ve decided to start posting my photo assignments. So random internet dwellers won’t think I’m some sort of self consumed college cunt. Which I sort of am. Nevermind. Anyway, keep in mind that I’m an art student going to a CSU so don’t expect a 10 page research paper with cited sources. Ughhh.
My favorite image is between both VAZIO Studio and Sara Remington’s images. I appreciate how both productions decided to use a white background, which causes the colors and texture in the food to stand out, as if bursting with freshness. The ssage of color is strategic, while the colors of the food pop out, the background is simple, clean, and white, giving me the impression of the food being well taken care of, fresh, pristine. The lighting in both productions seems to come from all directions, allowing the viewer to explore all sorts of texture (i.e. the juiciness of the tomato, the sleekness of syrup, the toasted buttery hamburger bun).
While Remington’s perspective is straight on, VAZIO creates some interest using the bird’s eye view. Like the background, the plate is also white, but subtle shadows indicate that the petite tomato slices and salsa verde sit delicately on a clean plate. Because the colors of the food and sauce are so bright, they are strategically placed in the middle of the composition, engulfed in white. Remington’s images are more straightforward, less petite, with a more robust presentation. The size of the photo grabs more attention than the text of the advertisement. Both subjects are “stacks”, the giant hamburger and stacks of pancakes are comparable to monumental skyscrapers.
i feel so excited for no reason. i can feel myself adapting to this new lifestyle and it feels better. sometimes ill feel a little ping of hurt but it’s comparable to a papercut.. just something at the back of your mind, its not severe, its just annoying to have around. anyway i think im developing this new sort of optimistic feeling. this is honestly the easiest break up lol like i still get super sad, but it really doesnt feel as severe as my previous relationships. sometimes i think about the good times but i do think about all the doubts i carried during the relationship. sort of like the doubts i had about my high school boyfriend being straight. just little things that you ignore. but they pile up. and it feels better not having that baggage. im still lonely as fuck, but at least im more chill about it. im suuch a relationship person. i just want someone i can talk to all the time, bring everywhere, and fuck whenever. god i havent had sex in so long. it fucking sucks. but i know id rather do it with someone i have feelings for than just a random fuck. random fucks are awkward..as fuck. 90% of the time they suck and the person attractive level receives a massive drop. daaaah where is my distraction!
I have finally rose from my hungover slumber! I haven’t slept past 9am in months. A part of me wants to be productive and social but another part of me is perfectly content with staying in bed, doing homework, and watching HBO’s amazing Girls.
I can’t really explain, but watching Girls has been a journey for me. For the first few episodes I sort of had this “meh” attitude. I had a bunch of silly superficial questions like, “Why is the main character so…ordinary and only semi attractive? Why can’t she be hot? Why are all these terrible things happening to these girls? Why is the sex really bad and awkward on this show? Do all white people have sex like this?” I was completely bothered because I think mainstream tv made me this way. Anyway, as I moved from episode to episode I felt myself developing a strange liking to the show. It was the same feeling that I had for Freaks and Geeks. There’s just something very raw about this show. These 20 something year old girls with these first world problems. Problems that you don’t necessarily think “Oh quit whining there’s starving kids in Africa.” These really are problems that mess with the person each character has potential of becoming. Watching this show gave me a sort of nostalgia. I’m not that old, I’m only 23. But it made me think of how much bullshit my younger, more naive (I’m still naive, but less stupid. Maybe even scared.) self used to put me through. It’s like you don’t really know what your interests are, but you’re anxious to find out. This is gonna sound corny, but literally letting your heart make the crazy decisions and hoping everything plays out smoothly, which 95% of the time doesn’t happen. But the best part is dealing with it, it’s the worst part, but it’s the most crucial. Kinda like working out. Which reminds me, my body is sore as fuck! Working out is the devil!
Anyway this show is very deep. If you like reality tv shows then you probably won’t get a lot out of this because you’ll have too many superficial worries, plus there’s a lot of dialogue.