i cant believe how long it’s been. it hasn’t been that long actually but my life has taken up a brand new pace, a very erratic pace. i forgot what it’s like to feel so unsure about yourself. i feel like i gave way less shits about my image when i was in a relationship. i’m all paranoid about my feelings. really hoping not to catch any too soon.. i feel too vulnerable. too eager to get comfortable again. do what i know, what i trust. maybe i’m feeling like this because i know i can get out of hand when i have too much freedom.
recently i’ve been shown new perspectives by hanging out with different groups of people. i’ve been more casual about reaching out to people, getting myself out of this anti social rut…i think i do this mostly because i’m too paranoid to have a night to myself..i’ll be really feeling sorry for myself and not even take into account the people i’ve passed by. so many people remind me that i’m in my own world, it makes me feel like a very selfish person. there is something about my ego that i need to work on. like perhaps not having one. i don’t get what my deal is. in some ways i feel like a fucking martyr and in other ways i catch myself completely consumed in my own worries. i can feel myself changing, leaving this person that i’ve worked nearly three years to develop. its weird how you realize how different things are once everything is over with. you’re no longer sharing your world this another person..it’s only you. from now on, i’m only concerned with myself. i have nobody else to take into account. sometimes i get sad thinking about the time i used to spend, the affection i used to get everyday. im sort of anxious to see who’s the next person to get my attention. i have met some interesting people the past few weeks… whoooo what a difference a few days makes… need to find a way to channel all these feelings into something positive. it could be much worse. at least im having fun lol. im starting to give myself more credit too. be less forgiving about things. i dont know why im so insecure. people keep reminding me that im more capable than what i figure.
is it so weird that i’m really involved with all these feelings? we all would like to believe that were independent people who can live life in a more mature manner. it feels like i’m living a double life. a part of me is this lost twenty something year old with the world at my feet…the chances i could take..the opportunities. and the other part of me is my “destiny”. maybe not my destiny.. but just the life i can settle for without a problem.
….how about that meteor? i wish aliens would just take over our planet already. that would make life more interesting. funny that in my earlier blog posts i literally begged for a change of pace, and now that things are changing i just want an alien invasion to satisfy my woes. fucking first world problems.