a quarter of my beach bod journey

i dont post about my bod too much. i eat FILTHY. im lazy. but the past month and a half i’ve actually enjoyed my time at the gym. the first couple days i was pooped after 2 minute on the elliptical but im pretty content with 30 minutes with a 20 minute run. nothing too substantial, but enough to not hate myself when i get nakie at the pool 🙂 i still got a little pooch and love handlers but iz okay. just some cardio and insanity 3-4 times a week to get by with school and work.

Imageim trying this new tactic where im trying to sift out cool people through my weirdness. im 40% sure its getting me nowhere and that i just look like a buffoon on the interwebs. 

im just gonna blog stuff that comes to mind because i have no desire for organization.

well last week i went on a date in fancy ass palo alto. it was a good date. not great, but good. the conversation was nice, seemed sorta phony. like the guy probably listens to too many drake songs or something. talking like “gurl im so ambitious. gurl you so bad. gurl gurl guuurl.” dont get me wrong he was a really nice respectable dude. and he took me out to this suuuuuuuper good greek restaurant. the food was impressive. the waiter even told me (while dude was in the bathroom) that the restaurant was too expensive for a first date. he was a funny guy. i would look like a scumbag if i said that i enjoyed his conversation more than the guy i was with. but okaaay, the guy was a nice guy. he came up a bit strong. always bugging about every guy that i talked to that night. shit like “ooh he was tryna get at you. oooh you know you hella bad.” SHUT THE FUCK UP AND TALK TO ME ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE. in one ear, out the other.

i think my melting point was when we went to some outside bar with his friends. while all the dudes went to the little boys room, i sat outside chillin buzzed off 3 shots and 2 white russians. im not a bitch unless i have very good reasoning, ill talk to anyone if they mean well. two asian guys go up to me, i suspect one of them is trying to be wingman for the other guy. i dont buy into it, i just provide casual conversation with no hints for free drinks or anything of that sort. somehow i get to talking about how my best friend just had her baby shower, whyyyy does dude come up behind me, put his hand on my stomach and tell both guys that im HAVING his baby? da fuuq? if i liked him i wouldve gladly played along. sadly i didnt. and his improv was the horrible not funny kind. needless to say i ended up looking like a drunk preggo bimbo at the bar. he said “he was trying to save me”. man that rubbed me so wrong. i was pretty done after that. he smoked me out after the bar and tried making out with me but thankfully my drunk/high self declined and turned on the tv. yep i suck. but im sorry the guy wasnt my cup of teaaaa. i still snapchat him, currently trying to scare him away with my internet weirdness but sadly hes just trying to match up. 

anyway im tired of that story. it was just bugging me.

another subject: i realized how much at peace i am with myself. i forgot how long i lived with Imagesomething hanging over my head. some inner battle. and within one month, it all disappeared. like a lifted curse. i never realized how sad i used to be. how many demons i was battling on a daily basis. somewhat convinced i was depressed, but probably not. just very sad. and now, im just at equilibrium. very funny that i started college in a relationship and now im ending college single. very symbolic of a closed chapter! longest most prolific chapter. wonder how these next 5 years will be. who i’ll meet. how i’ll end up. 

its very weird but when i first graduated high school, i met this crazy girl and became sort of obsessed with her. she was so weird but intriguing. she had a bangin bod and was so chill about the way she dressed. i was sooo fascinated by her. by the fact that she didnt make any sense to me, but she was so cool. she was sorta hood too. anyway just thinking about that because back then i was so different and didnt know how to act. now i think im kinda weird. i hope i meet someone like her at dinah………damn she was a hottie

so im super excited for these next two weeks! a part of me is scared that i’ll die and another is just ready for this super action packed vacay. its gonna be wild forsure, and my mind is totally at peace with what evers to come.

that a-ha moment. the realization where you feel whole again. has it really been that long? a legit case of “the feels”? damn damn damn. well just a little taste. its like im familiar with this warm feeling and i’ve adapted of its erratic behavior, perhaps even grown fond of it. i just casually let it come and go. its literally some sort of euphoria that sits in my blooImaged stream for a few weeks til it’s gone or i pee it out or something. withdrawals include a tiny taste of bitterness, but overall i end up dealing and accepting. its a very nice thing to have. it makes you wonder about memories. you can only remember how you felt, but you can’t really channel yourself to that moment and make yourself feel again. just a quick thought, a mental summary of what went down. a moment of reflection. but to experience it again? for even just a little. a tiny bit. its literally like hopping in a time machine. i can honestly just say that i feel blessed to have someone who i respect out of love and experience. i do respect my family, but of course there is complete obligation. i owe my existence to my family. but owing a little part of you to somebody who was once a stranger to you… to find a stranger who happens to be some sort of soulmate to you. its pretty cool. and magical. and only cool people get to experience it.





aaaaand im still single.  

the sarcasm note got me lol

Thought Catalog

1. Seek Eye Contact… Kind of

This is a common occurrence for shy folks — look at person you’re trying to flirt with — they’re not looking? Look away. Try again. Still not looking at you? Look away. Again? Yes! Ah, there’s successfully been eye contact made! It’s happening RIGHT NOW — hurry, look away immediately! Your heart is beating quickly and your pits are moist. (I used the word moist to make sure you’re a little uncomfortable just reading this.) The thing about shy flirters is that they want to make and not make eye contact at the same time.

2. Crossing Their Fearful Little Fingers

That’s right, sometimes a shy person knows good ‘n well that they lack the courage to initiate potentially positive interaction, so all they can do is say a prayer and hope that the other person notices their existence. “Maybe if I sit here in this…

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Imagei appreciate witty humor. i feel like that’s a major thing i seek out when talking to someone. just a genuine laugh, maybe even make me feel stupid. sarcasm. jokes. oooh yeah touch my mental boner. nothing cheesy unless you can own up to it and still be funny. i hate those guys that try to be all philosophical with their shit when its just a bunch of cliches. somebody who can just make me genuinely laugh. if i can sense the stupidity then i will treat you like a stupid person. i think thats what i miss most about my ex. even now he still makes me laugh out loud. we have a good relationship for two people that have just recently parted. well its actually been almost three months… wow lol reality check just face palmed me. but anyway i still feel like he’s one of my best friends. its funny how people complain “once you’ve been in love you can’t be friends” but it was like we immediately tapped into friend zones. i do get kinda jealous sometimes but its mostly because towards the end of our relationship i felt completely disregarded so it would be a major blow to my ego if he found interest in some other person. like, some other person who could actually revert his attention away from his friends. meh. anyway im just glad im not a crazy ex girlfriend that cries about her ex boyfriend every night. i do miss having sex and doing affectionate things, but i look forward to doing that with somebody new lol. for now im single and that’s completely fine. ive met a few people, it feels like going pants shopping:

“this one fits my waist but not my thighs!”

“this one is the perfect length but you can see my love handles!”

“this one is too short but my butt looks amazing!”

little things i like and little things that i just dont care for. the perfect pair of jeans. why do i feel like im on a dating show? a really lame dating show. and why is it that im so fixated on dating. i think its the brown in me. i need luv.