here’s a mind spill for everyone.
its like im standing outside, peering in. i don’t trust my feelings at all because i know that deep down im just a happy sucking parasite—i prefer to feed off others happiness. i like to share my happiness. i hate to say it but dammit im a very dependent person. not sure if i have the feels or that im just desperate to just feel something. like when you wait for drugs to kick in. you kinda pretend that you’re feeling it, but that’s just anxiety mixed with excitement. but when it kicks in thats when you know. and right now i feel like i just..dont…know. i do feel something but it isnt enough for me to completely commit to. i havent felt so sure about something in years. i wish i could say that i’m the type of person who can make clear rational decisions..but i cant. the possibility of something better coming along after something good happens. that’s like my worst fear. i have this vision in my head of the person that i would want to end up with, but what if im too fixated on that vision, that mirage even, to the point where the person who can make me happy is actually sitting under my nose. fate? do i choose my own happiness or let fate decide? merp. my brains got me fucked up.
im still happy, i appreciate the people that i’ve met and spent time with these past few weeks. i guess i would prefer to focus on somebody…bah who am i kidding, i know i have friends. and its not like i haven’t met anyone. just nobody to be crazy about. wulp it has only been a few months. but to someone like me, a relationship sorta gal, it feels like a year. i have this vision in my head that ill finally meet someone who intrigues me. i feel like i can already figure people out. know their intentions. im over it…. when will it be fair game? or perhaps im just not putting myself out there enough. which could be very true. i find myself jealous of other peoples relationships.. why cant i have someone like that? its a bittersweet thing because being in a relationship makes you focus on one person, you develop this comfort that makes you shun others.
i’ve met some pretty amazing people this past month. i’ve been in a bubbly mood but i feel like im getting worn out from this peppy state of mind. somebody told me i was boring as shit when they first met me. kindof upsetting to hear, but at the same time pretty accurate. the last year of my past relationship i felt so disconnected. i felt like people didn’t wanna hear from me, i assumed that i was content being in my own bubble. ive learned to get over myself. its hard to think that i used to be that kinda person. i was so negative, so mean. jealous of others happiness. and i was a bitch to my ex. i dont know what i was so mad about, but im over it. now all i do is point and laugh at myself.
“I heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he’s depressed. Says life is harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says, “Treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go see him. That should pick you up.” Man bursts into tears. Says, “But doctor… I am Pagliacci.” Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains.”
I am Pagliacci. :[
like mah pic? iz for my final project! felt pretty stoops shooting it, especially when we got to downtown. but whatever its my last semester i do what i want!