a glass case of emotion!

here’s a mind spill for everyone.

its like im standing outside, peering in. i don’t trust my feelings at all because i know that deep down im just a happy sucking parasite—i prefer to feed off others happiness. i like to share my happiness. i hate to say it but dammit im a very dependent person. not sure if i have the feels or that im just desperate to just feel something. like when you wait for drugs to kick in. you kinda pretend that you’re feeling it, but that’s just anxiety mixed with excitement. but when it kicks in thats when you know. and right now i feel like i just..dont…know. i do feel something but it isnt enough for me to completely commit to. i havent felt so sure about something in years. i wish i could say that i’m the type of person who can make clear rational decisions..but i cant. the possibility of something better coming along after something good happens. that’s like my worst fear. i have this vision in my head of the person that i would want to end up with, but what if im too fixated on that vision, that mirage even, to the point where the person who can make me happy is actually sitting under my nose. fate? do i choose my own happiness or let fate decide? merp. my brains got me fucked up.

im still happy, i appreciate the people that i’ve met and spent time with these past few weeks. i guess i would prefer to focus on somebody…bah who am i kidding, i know i have friends. and its not like i haven’t met anyone. just nobody to be crazy about. wulp it has only been a few months. but to someone like me, a relationship sorta gal, it feels like a year. i have this vision in my head that ill finally meet someone who intrigues me. i feel like i can already figure people out. know their intentions. im over it…. when will it be fair game? or perhaps im just not putting myself out there enough. which could be very true. i find myself jealous of other peoples relationships.. why cant i have someone like that? its a bittersweet thing because being in a relationship makes you focus on one person, you develop this comfort that makes you shun others.

i’ve met some pretty amazing people this past month. i’ve been in a bubbly mood but i feel like im getting worn out from this peppy state of mind. somebody told me i was boring as shit when they first met me. kindof upsetting to hear, but at the same time pretty accurate. the last year of my past relationship i felt so disconnected. i felt like people didn’t wanna hear from me, i assumed that i was content being in my own bubble. ive learned to get over myself. its hard to think that i used to be that kinda person. i was so negative, so mean. jealous of others happiness. and i was a bitch to my ex. i dont know what i was so mad about, but im over it. now all i do is point and laugh at myself. Image

“I heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he’s depressed. Says life is harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says, “Treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go see him. That should pick you up.” Man bursts into tears. Says, “But doctor… I am Pagliacci.” Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains.”

I am Pagliacci. :[

like mah pic? iz for my final project! felt pretty stoops shooting it, especially when we got to downtown. but whatever its my last semester i do what i want!

3 dreams

Imagei have to write this dream down before i forget it!

well the past week i’ve been having some vivid ass dreams. and it’s not like its one dream but ill have about 5 different dreams in one night. it’s always the last dream that leaves the biggest impression. these dreams are very weird but very real to me. a lot of the times i find myself wondering why my day is going so weird but it never crosses my mind that im actually dreaming. does that make sense?

anyway, i still remember my last dream from friday night. i was on vacation with some friends from college. im not sure the location but it honestly looked like the vacation house that i stayed in when i was out in palm springs a few weeks ago. it had a pool in the back an everything. it was a long dream but what stood out to me the most was the last part. it was late at night we were partying in the back, barbecuing, drinking, swimming. the moon was especially full and bright. i notice from the corner of my eye an airplane was flying abnormally low to the ground. i didn’t think anything of it and we were just dancing in the back. the plane flew closer and closer and then i realized that it was headed straight towards us. everyone panicked and i remember rushing to the house for sanctuary i guess? anyway i wasnt fast enough and the plane proceeded to crash our backyard. i expected death and other terrible things but the plane actually just exploded before us. literally in mid air. i remember standing alone in awe, staring at the explosion. it didn’t harm me, as if a force field bubble was surrounding the raging fires. fast forward the dream and this time a helicopter flies into our back yard. same exact forcefield. i remember feeling the same anxiety and fear from the first explosion. and then it happened again. only this time it was a bomb or a cannon ball thing headed straight towards our party. i was genuinely scared for my life for all three explosions. i remember it being so vivid. the fire, the explosion, the sounds even. i expected to die, truly believing that that was the end. anyway it freaked me out when i woke up. i was all sweaty and anxious.

my dream from saturday was weird too. i was, again, on vacation. with family i think. we were staying in a really nice hotel. i wont go into too much details about this dream but i just remember wandering the lobby area. it was apparently like vegas hotels where they are connected to a mall strip. i wandered into the mall strip and felt especially hungry. i happened to be in the food court section. it was weird walking down this strip. very dream like. hazy, full of weird people, and weird food selections that didnt make sense to me. like asian restaurants with weird workers and odd food choices. i remember thinking, “man what a weird day.” didn’t cross my mind that i was dreaming. i somehow ended up eating at this asian restaurant. i remember talking to the cook and he tried convincing me to cook my own meal which didn’t make sense to me. he offered me eggs and told me to try the pork buns. this was just a weird casual dream and i’m impressed that i can even remember this.

lastly, my dream last night was also weird. im already starting to forget it but i’ll try to type as much as i can remember. its probably not going to make any sense but i’ll talk about the things that stood out most to me.

i remember i was on vacation again. the dream was literally a whole vacation. it felt like days were passing. we were staying in some house. i think the people i was with were my friends from dinah shore weekend. my best friend was definitely there. its funny i actually remember my cousins first roommate being there too. anyway its gonna sound weird but i specifically remember laying in a bed with my best friends and some old deformed guy came up to me begging to sleep with me. yeah, super weird. he begged me and i kept saying no, no sorry. it was creepy but everyone around me was super casual about it. he disappeared and more friends came into the room. on the “last day” my best friend came into the room saying she was ready to go. i remember feeling really sad and having to say goodbye. i didnt want her to think i would miss her too much so i remember pretending to not be sad. she said her good byes and left. then she came back and hugged me. then she laid down next to me and we cuddled like we usually do. other people were in the bed but it was casual the way she laid next to me. she didnt say anything but i had this feeling that she was willing to stay a little longer. anyway fast forward the dream and she hands me a traveling bag full of money lol. the dream is about to sound really strange! but she told me that some trolls blessed us with money in our backyard and this was my share. the bag had bricks of money. i remember even taking the bag without saying anything, like i was expecting it lol. cool lets go to the mall. we head to the mall with a bunch of friends and for sooooooome reason we were all riding in this crazy contraption and i got to sit in this hiiiiiigh chair. it was like those fire trucks with the ladders and i got to sit at the top. i was super casual about this lol but eventually it caught up to me that i actually am terrified of heights. my best friend came up there with me and i remember feeling so scared. another girl climbed up the ladder and i remember being paranoid that we had too much weight and might fall. i remember yelling “its gonna tip get down! were too heavy!” everyone was laughing at this and then i suddenly started feeling the seat tip. we fell and it felt like we fell for almost a minute. really long. it was a weird fall like we were spinning and i remember accepting the fact that i was going to die, i hope the crash wouldnt hurt me, i wonder if ill live but ill stay deformed. and then we just landed on the floor. like i landed perfectly on my butt and thought it was fate. my other two friends did the same. i was glad they were okay. someone told me my witches were looking out for me. so weird. fast forward the dream and were back at the house again. i go into the backyard and theres this gigantic tree. someone told me i have to go thank the trolls and witch. i guess i knew where to go so i walked towards the side of the house. it was dark on that side. i walked deeper and deeper into the darkness. and then i woke up.

now im gonna be late for work :(.glad i was able to write those down. it just irked me how i remember my feelings and how vivid everything was. if anyone would like to give me their take on my dreams please do! its interesting to see if there is any meaning behind these weird dreams.

edit: i was half awake typing all of this. and yes i was late to work.

what is the most powerful sentence you know of?

i saw this on reddit and my lame ass thought “oh hey maybe ill find a cool quote to post on fb so i can change peoples lives and stuff.” i read through the comments and my take on the post altered and somehow it became something very personal.

the most powerful sentence that i’ve heard in my entire life.

“i’m gonna die.”

i was 15 and that was the first time i have ever heard anyone use it in the most sincere way. usually when people say it, it’s a bit of an oxymoron. of course you’re not gonna die, but whatever business you’re going through seems to be some sort of a shit show that you have to power through.

i was the first person he approached. i saw him shuffling down my hallway in the dark. when the light hit his face i was surprised to see the face of panic. there was a mild tone of urgency in his voice but he was very subtle in the way he said it while grabbing my arm. having been busying myself with prepping for a movie night with my cousins, i was completely caught off guard by this statement. are you joking? what was i supposed to do when my favorite cousin tells me he’s about to die?

he stared straight into my eyes, i asked a lot of questions…then i started laughing hysterically in confusion. it was a weird sort of laughter, i didn’t understand it, it felt like my body was laughing for me and the inside was screaming.

the situation started off slow but suddenly everything accelerated at 100 mph it felt like. suddenly everyone in the room was panicking, huddled over my 12 year old cousin who had collapsed on the ground repeatedly wheezing the words, “i cant breathe, im gonna die.”  it was too much, i began to paced around the house. i was laughing still. my parents were hysterical. my dad grabbed me and shook me asking me why the fuck i was laughing like i was a demented sociopath. this went on for a couple minutes while his brother shook him and yelled back “no you’re not!” then vomit began to seep out of his mouth, his nose consumed with mucus, i could see the life passing through his facial expressions…i was sitting on my couch with my face in my hands in complete awe of everything happening. i didn’t wake up that morning expecting to lose my favorite cousin in my own house. everything was moving so fast and i felt like i was in slow motion. i looked over to him, he stopped responding and suddenly my mind was caught up with time. i rushed over to him and cried and cried. laid my head on his stomach. hugged him. cried a whole lot. begged for life, begged for a lot of things. everyone in my house was screaming.

the ambulance came in and they took him away in a silent manner. the fear in my heart was momentarily patched over with hope. i firmly believed there was a second chance and that this would all blow over by the end of the night. i just expected to see him again. it was so random the way everything played out. it was me, my other cousin, my sister, and my high school boyfriend that had huddled in my room in a circle. my cousin, his brother, sat in a beetle position crying. we were all crying. we all needed each other to convince ourselves that he didn’t in fact just pass away. we hoped and waited for an hour or so.

my parents were anxious and stayed downstairs. the house was quiet and my mom got a phone call from the hospital. i expected the best but my moms reaction sealed the deal. she screamed and threw things at the wall. and then we took the longest ride ever to the hospital. i didnt know what to say so i said empty words of encouragement to my cousin. my mind was exhausted and it was the longest ive ever cried. the hospital was so cold. i saw him again for the last time and he was so cold….. some therapist approached us and tried feeling for us but i didnt know her and couldnt believe anything she was saying. i called my friends and ruined their vacation because i didnt know what else to do.

anyway i woke up the next day and it all felt like a nightmare that never happened. but i woke up to phone calls of sadness and apologies and it was all very much real. such a weird situation to be in………well anyway that was the most powerful sentence ive ever heard. it did changed my life.

a little bit of college reminiscing

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so im RSVPing to my commencement ceremony. i have to fill out a few questions but this one was the hardest to answer:

one word to define your college experience: …….

how to not sound cliche? i went with “prolific” lol. the first time i heard that word was in a Tribe Called Quest song. forgot the name. but the phrase was “long and prolific” and it sort of stuck with me through the years. just a default phrase to say during any situation. anyway i think the word prolific heightens the meaning of journey.. i came out of this with so much. i think about when i started college..

my first day… while my roommate was out getting drunk in the old dorms i locked myself in my room and talked on the phone with my girlfriend at the time (now my best friend). i was so upset and sad. i was like a little domesticated fox being let out in the wild (yes i am referencing fox and the hound). i hated the change and the summer was so good to me. i felt like i was being punished. i had no intent to make friends or party i just wanted to transfer out. freshman year was a fun year in that everyone just wanted to make friends. it was a time to be friends with people you probably wouldn’t end up being friends with later on in life. yep. a time to fucking party. and thats what i did! i fucking partied my brains out. barely got out of that year with a 3.0.

i stayed true to my girlfriend so luckily i never went through that dreadful slut phase that a lot of my college friends went through. i was so in love. i remember my first day in my first class and the professor had us fill out some questionnaire. my memory skews the first question but it went somewhere along the lines of “what are you most proud of” and i said “being in love with my best friend.” cheeeesy! i was a nut back then. ive been thinking about how in love i was and how i was never devoted to another as strongly. im pretty thankful to have had my “high school summer love” experience. it was done right. much differently than one would expect, but it was something very special. the older i get, the tighter i try to hold onto that. i think about how that would be my story if i ever had to reminisce when im older. those stories that old people tell. dont care if its unconventional, maybe times will change to the point where two girls in love is something casual and not “liberal” or some movement towards feminism. it was a pretty simple concept. i digress no further…….

Imagethese past posts ive been droning on about how im so excited to leave college and now im kinda sad! ill be working forever. but ill have money which is cool. and ill get to do things like travel from time to time. but i wont have a spring break. and who knows where my social life will go after i graduate. its inevitable and i wont cry about it… but ill miss it. ill miss it a lot. like how i miss high school. man im getting old! well not that old.. but shit! these are the times! i have trouble understanding why people get married or have kids so young.. you can do that in your 30s! im pretty bummed that i never had the pleasure of traveling outside of the states that much. the college friends i had in san jose were usually broke so i couldnt really travel anywhere with friends. anyway aside from that my time in college has been fruitful. i learned so many things and my social skills have gotten so much better haha. i remember being so shy. i still am but its more of a “whatever” kind of thing rather than “id rather not say…..” ive become so chill about how people perceive me. im not one to make people say my name correctly or make people see me clearly. im fascinated with how people accept me and i kind of let their mind run wild. some people think im mean, some people think im smart, some people think im funny, and some people think im just an idiot. a lot of people dont know what else to say except call me a dork. dont really care, i just enjoy peoples company.

heres another thing to look back on: new years eve. i felt so alone. i remember crying on the phone with my ex boyfriend pleading him to hang out with me. my exact words were “i have nobody. please!” i was sooooo sad. crying on new years eve with no plans. thinking about how my friends had their own life to live and i just didnt know what to do about mine. im a lot happier now. the weather helps. im just glad that im not in that same position. and it only took four months! i dont want a relationship but im interested in being distracted for a little. maybe i should stop being so choosy.

Imagemy gut keeps telling me to let things be. though i would prefer to ignore it..something tells me that i would be better off just playing it safe rather than putting myself out there. im just not in the mood to be rejected or just play myself. i think about the good things that have been happening and it makes me so happy but ive learned that things are never really set in stone, especially to my doing. a part of me feels like i kind of know whats going on without asking, which is something a crazy girlfriend would say lol but i assure any reader that i do have valid reasoning! maybe this could be like one of those long prolific romantic comedies where things really do end up playing out the way they ought to. and all the sad things that happened end up being funny… man i feel like ive been on a really long ride. this semester has been so different from the rest. its crazy how settled your mind gets when youre in a relationship..this year started out with much discomfort but naturally everything plays out by spring time. 

for the past three years or so i had reoccurring dreams about me fearing some sort of fall to my death. usually it would play out and some dreadful thing would happen resulting in my fall. an elevator broke. my car ran off a cliff. fell out of a hotel building. and others i would spend the entire dream just waiting to fall. last night i actually dreamed that i actually took the initiative and jumped. i didnt die like in my other dreams. it was like i had on an invisible parachute. it was an nice variation to this concept. 

so i guess ill continue to just float on. i have so many reasons to smile. so many things to conquer! and yes..so many responsibilities to take care of! i wish these responsibilities would just disappear! like if i could have just been born into wealth so that i can travel the world and party and dig my feet into my trust fund that would be great. but im glad im having fun while on the way. i need to really work on my resume. i think i can i think i can! my mind just suddenly accelerated 100mph. thinking about this past weekend, the person im becoming, my best friend whos having her baby right now, the person ill always be in love with, my graduation, the possibility of moving out of san jose, my plans for tonight, who ill meet later today..tonight..this weekend.., when will my attitude change? hope it doesnt plunder down into a burning heap of regret! 

—-morbid ending ends here—-

Imagei feel like on a daily basis during random parts of the day ill suddenly feel some remorse for all the stupid shit i post on the internet. a majority of it is just dumb and i wonder if i’m actually just retarded in real life. one time i even convinced myself i was living in a haunted house with ghosts as tenants. hash is a silly thing. the older i get, the more critical i seem to become. or maybe im just getting dumber with age. as our perspectives change, and we see our decisions in a new light. i look at my previous posts and wonder if i ever expected to even be in the position where i stand now. everything happened so fast, but it was what i wanted i guess. just not as gracefully laid out. i dont think ill ever get over the concept of “change”. seconds go by and eventually moments are the only thing we’ll have left of our fun. change….. how things are so different…..i remember being in a position waiting for this time and now im just craving another time.. i wonder if this is even making sense. but what im trying to say is that i feel like i can never just let myself live in the moment, im always waiting on another time, a better time.. i feel like im a in a good place in my life, but its nothing for me to settle for. im forever just hoping for the best. sounds pretty daunting. but i suppose that could be a good thing. but idk.. i think thats why im a pack rat..i have indecisive problems.. im always stacking more and more shit on my plate. im hungry for something. i wonder what it would be like to be fully content, truly. to have everything that i want…. is it possible? is it a dream that ill always sit on. envy. this could get dark. anyway im still young, barely halfway through my twenties. something is bound to happen…

foreal though what if i am retarded. lol fuck.

IMG_3657so i went to vegas last week and twas a wyyyld ride. by the time i returned i was coming down so hard. a cold and a slight case of depression  was what i came home to. that comedown…. i was so sad that i had nobody to come home to. nobody to pick me up from the airport and drive me home to make me dinner and tuck me in bed. there are some things that i really miss about having a significant other… i really am just an intimate person i feel like. i met so many people in vegas and i could have just hooked up with them but there was something internal that made me behave. we would get so close and then i would change the tone and run off dancing lol. maybe the fear of disease. or maybe i was just too stoked off molls to even sit still with one person. some of them i wish i went just a little further but i let it go and just blame everything on fate. i just cant get into a person until i have a gist of their personality. maybe its because of my earlier experiences as a dumb college girl that led me to be so critical of all the people that pursue me. i have had some bad experiences. liking somebody with no depth, awkward dates, awkward sex, meh no thanks. we all have that one person on our list that we just cant erase forever. anyway the comedown from all the “happiness” i felt from vegas kinda tore me apart. i was homesick but i didnt know what for. perhaps my family but i really just wanted somebody to lay around and watch movies with for a few days. thats what i really appreciated about my ex, he was like a pet! always able to hang out, brought him along when i had to run errands, and just so sincere and loving. d’aaaw. now hes crap. and now i want a fucking pet!