Imagei feel like on a daily basis during random parts of the day ill suddenly feel some remorse for all the stupid shit i post on the internet. a majority of it is just dumb and i wonder if i’m actually just retarded in real life. one time i even convinced myself i was living in a haunted house with ghosts as tenants. hash is a silly thing. the older i get, the more critical i seem to become. or maybe im just getting dumber with age. as our perspectives change, and we see our decisions in a new light. i look at my previous posts and wonder if i ever expected to even be in the position where i stand now. everything happened so fast, but it was what i wanted i guess. just not as gracefully laid out. i dont think ill ever get over the concept of “change”. seconds go by and eventually moments are the only thing we’ll have left of our fun. change….. how things are so different…..i remember being in a position waiting for this time and now im just craving another time.. i wonder if this is even making sense. but what im trying to say is that i feel like i can never just let myself live in the moment, im always waiting on another time, a better time.. i feel like im a in a good place in my life, but its nothing for me to settle for. im forever just hoping for the best. sounds pretty daunting. but i suppose that could be a good thing. but idk.. i think thats why im a pack rat..i have indecisive problems.. im always stacking more and more shit on my plate. im hungry for something. i wonder what it would be like to be fully content, truly. to have everything that i want…. is it possible? is it a dream that ill always sit on. envy. this could get dark. anyway im still young, barely halfway through my twenties. something is bound to happen…

foreal though what if i am retarded. lol fuck.

IMG_3657so i went to vegas last week and twas a wyyyld ride. by the time i returned i was coming down so hard. a cold and a slight case of depression  was what i came home to. that comedown…. i was so sad that i had nobody to come home to. nobody to pick me up from the airport and drive me home to make me dinner and tuck me in bed. there are some things that i really miss about having a significant other… i really am just an intimate person i feel like. i met so many people in vegas and i could have just hooked up with them but there was something internal that made me behave. we would get so close and then i would change the tone and run off dancing lol. maybe the fear of disease. or maybe i was just too stoked off molls to even sit still with one person. some of them i wish i went just a little further but i let it go and just blame everything on fate. i just cant get into a person until i have a gist of their personality. maybe its because of my earlier experiences as a dumb college girl that led me to be so critical of all the people that pursue me. i have had some bad experiences. liking somebody with no depth, awkward dates, awkward sex, meh no thanks. we all have that one person on our list that we just cant erase forever. anyway the comedown from all the “happiness” i felt from vegas kinda tore me apart. i was homesick but i didnt know what for. perhaps my family but i really just wanted somebody to lay around and watch movies with for a few days. thats what i really appreciated about my ex, he was like a pet! always able to hang out, brought him along when i had to run errands, and just so sincere and loving. d’aaaw. now hes crap. and now i want a fucking pet!

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