so im RSVPing to my commencement ceremony. i have to fill out a few questions but this one was the hardest to answer:
one word to define your college experience: …….
how to not sound cliche? i went with “prolific” lol. the first time i heard that word was in a Tribe Called Quest song. forgot the name. but the phrase was “long and prolific” and it sort of stuck with me through the years. just a default phrase to say during any situation. anyway i think the word prolific heightens the meaning of journey.. i came out of this with so much. i think about when i started college..
my first day… while my roommate was out getting drunk in the old dorms i locked myself in my room and talked on the phone with my girlfriend at the time (now my best friend). i was so upset and sad. i was like a little domesticated fox being let out in the wild (yes i am referencing fox and the hound). i hated the change and the summer was so good to me. i felt like i was being punished. i had no intent to make friends or party i just wanted to transfer out. freshman year was a fun year in that everyone just wanted to make friends. it was a time to be friends with people you probably wouldn’t end up being friends with later on in life. yep. a time to fucking party. and thats what i did! i fucking partied my brains out. barely got out of that year with a 3.0.
i stayed true to my girlfriend so luckily i never went through that dreadful slut phase that a lot of my college friends went through. i was so in love. i remember my first day in my first class and the professor had us fill out some questionnaire. my memory skews the first question but it went somewhere along the lines of “what are you most proud of” and i said “being in love with my best friend.” cheeeesy! i was a nut back then. ive been thinking about how in love i was and how i was never devoted to another as strongly. im pretty thankful to have had my “high school summer love” experience. it was done right. much differently than one would expect, but it was something very special. the older i get, the tighter i try to hold onto that. i think about how that would be my story if i ever had to reminisce when im older. those stories that old people tell. dont care if its unconventional, maybe times will change to the point where two girls in love is something casual and not “liberal” or some movement towards feminism. it was a pretty simple concept. i digress no further…….
these past posts ive been droning on about how im so excited to leave college and now im kinda sad! ill be working forever. but ill have money which is cool. and ill get to do things like travel from time to time. but i wont have a spring break. and who knows where my social life will go after i graduate. its inevitable and i wont cry about it… but ill miss it. ill miss it a lot. like how i miss high school. man im getting old! well not that old.. but shit! these are the times! i have trouble understanding why people get married or have kids so young.. you can do that in your 30s! im pretty bummed that i never had the pleasure of traveling outside of the states that much. the college friends i had in san jose were usually broke so i couldnt really travel anywhere with friends. anyway aside from that my time in college has been fruitful. i learned so many things and my social skills have gotten so much better haha. i remember being so shy. i still am but its more of a “whatever” kind of thing rather than “id rather not say…..” ive become so chill about how people perceive me. im not one to make people say my name correctly or make people see me clearly. im fascinated with how people accept me and i kind of let their mind run wild. some people think im mean, some people think im smart, some people think im funny, and some people think im just an idiot. a lot of people dont know what else to say except call me a dork. dont really care, i just enjoy peoples company.
heres another thing to look back on: new years eve. i felt so alone. i remember crying on the phone with my ex boyfriend pleading him to hang out with me. my exact words were “i have nobody. please!” i was sooooo sad. crying on new years eve with no plans. thinking about how my friends had their own life to live and i just didnt know what to do about mine. im a lot happier now. the weather helps. im just glad that im not in that same position. and it only took four months! i dont want a relationship but im interested in being distracted for a little. maybe i should stop being so choosy.