sometimes i wonder why i do the things that i do… and then something as minuscule as a chill ride back through the hills of a faraway city gives me that reassuring feeling.. a nice end to a weekend full of missions. a chill ride through 75 degree weather in the fields. enough to enjoy the stars and a supremely nice crescent moon hanging above the roof of my car. i even saw a shooting star slice through the dark sky. it went on long enough for me to do a double take of it halfway through its fall so that i knew i wasn’t just glancing at a passerby plane. forgot to make a wish but i remember thinking about my gramma. made me feel like i was in the right place at the right time. Coco Rosie was playing and the tinge of nostalgia was a nice touch.
where i live, the tungsten street lights glow in the sky til 6am, then its back to daytime. i usually feel a calmness whenever the stars are visible and darkness surrounds. like there is a part of the world that still exists that is still genuine and not man made. i get so sad knowing that i’m about to be 23 and i still haven’t traveled to any of the wonders of the world. i’ve seen nice beaches and pretty waterfalls but it’d be super cool to see something tremendous. i digress no further….
i’ve been feeling pretty lost these days. like my heart has no home (aww). but not even that, it’s like i dont even know what i want. i DO know that i want to finish school so that maybe i’ll have more time to soul search. i just feel like i dont fit in. unsettling feelings. of course i waive these feelings but when everythings said and done i feel sort of empty. and im so critical of every thing that happens. maybe its due to growing up in a place where every one says stuff just for fluff. i just believe people are all talk. everybody just wants to tell a story.. i guess that makes me an asshole or something.
i haven’t been dreaming a lot. maybe it’s cuz i sleep in increments. fucking finals at school has my sleep pattern all fucked up. and for some reason my mind turns to jello after 7pm. then after that all i wanna do is dick around on reddit. sometimes i wonder if ill ever get around to redesigning my resume… whhhhhhy is it so hard for me to be productive?! i feel like such a piece of shit sometimes. i could be better. but i’m just here…. and i should write that paper…..but this blog happens to be getting me in a writing mood.
this took me 4 days to write.