i havent blogged in weeks. busy as shit and completely uninspired, as usual. i get the feels so much i end up getting consumed by it to the point where even thinking about writing it down sounds exhausting. a chore.
but i shall update. maybe put things in their own perspective during the process.
im beginning to realize a lot of things. im beginning to see how..out of love ive been.. if that makes sense. every things been monotone. ive forgotten what its like to be so consumed by another person. going on seven months. i dont know how i feel about this. i think im more upset at the fact that i have been so holy and celibate i think i may have gained my virginity back. okay yes im being overly dramatic. but man what does it take to get a good healthy round? anyway im not too upset. when it does cross my mind i do get a little mopey. then i move on with my life.
wonder why im feeling like this. i feel like a robot. confused and somewhat indifferent to another persons affections. i dont even know how to express it since im used to always having one person to confide in. right now..i feel really on guard. i think im paranoid. too critical of myself. its putting extra salt on my own game.
ive never had more than 2 or 3 gay friends. hanging out with a group of gays is off tops super fun. theyre super down, hella chill, and dont give a fuck! there’s a feeling of ease. but when things start to get personal… its feels kinda like my first day working in retail all over again. unfamiliar and anxious. everyone’s watching me, judging me, wondering why im here. i feel like everyone thinks im a phony and its getting to the point where i wonder if i really am living this phony life..maybe i should just go back to being…me? i just wanna give up. feel like im being judged. i cant even honestly label myself without cringing. whenever people ask me about my sexual orientation i feel my heart drop a little and i immediately start thinking “oh god theyre asking this because i don’t look gay enough.” yes i am very feminine. yes i’ve dated guys before. yes i do have an attraction towards the opposite sex. but ive never loved a guy more than a lady. im wondering if im just cursed. maybe im not gay but i just happened to have dated someone during the right time.
or i could be a homoromantic. maybe im like tina from the L word and i just love my first love.
when im out with my gay friends, insecurities sit at the back of my mind. i have fun, but when the spotlights on me i just wanna get out of it. i dont know a lot of the people in sfs gay community so i dont know how to act but i just dance lol.
“what are you doing here aren’t you straight?”
“are you even gay?”
this could be some form of a pick up line and im just taking it way too personal. but man it really bothers me. i’ve always kinda felt out of place though. yes..the most cliche thing ever read in a blog.
kinda strange how a community that prides itself on equality still geared towards subgroups. studs. femmes. stems. everyone always wonders what im into. they say doing this makes the wooing process easier. everyones so scared. im simply into someone who fascinates me! like i couldn’t say that i have a complete preference to a type of girl. i really just go for the most intriguing person. my best friend thinks i like ugly people, but i do value humor and a decent amount of intellect. unfortunately it is super fucking rare to meet an attractive, decently knowledgable, funny person. i wouldn’t even call myself smart or witty i really just like being entertained. and on the rare occasion i do sometimes meet a person who fits this boot. but they are usually taken or honestly too attractive for me. ive always felt like the girl was adored by the mediocre but ignored by the excellent. the girl who watched her crush dance with someone else. oh looooorrrrrd its like im living in a horrible version of a lena dunham production
again, im pretty sure im just reading too deeply into everything.
my life has reached equilibrium but im sure its about to get crazy in a second.
what a weird erratic blog. im sure a more sober version of me will be back later to make edits or even delete this blog.
i havent been this exclusively personal on a blog since i was 15. and i haven’t been this honest with myself in a goddamn while.