when you’re young, it’s so much easier to assume that time will eventually balance all of your woes out. im not that much older.. but it has been years.. but there are some people that i do still think about. wonder how things would have been if they were done differently…or if timing was right.
every so often when i go back home, there’s something at the back of my mind that sorta hopes fate will bring me back to..you? there were numerous times we’ve ran into each other, i felt sorta the same; anxious, excited, curious. but the timing was wrong and my conscience would guilt trip me. ill admit i’ve made mistakes in the past and i honestly feel like that sorta messed me up, so now i’m too paranoid to make any moves..on anyone. i used to be so….destructive lol. but not in an evil way, in a careless way. i would just act on impulse. and after putting myself and unfortunately my s/o in compromising situations i’ve learned to NOT trust myself when i’m in the moment. im scared now! the tables have definitely turned, karma karma karma. i’m not mad, i was pretty careless back then and its good to know that i’m sort of humbling myself. i mean, it fucking sucks. i feel like a grandma. ha. but the hopeless romantic in me would like to believe that the right person will eventually come along (d’aaww). but haven’t i been talking about this for months?! oh gaw….
anyway, its fascinating that after all these years, i find myself still wondering how certain people of my past are doing. unresolved feelings that i sort of put behind me. but i cant help but wonder what would happen… if the universe worked in our favor? i sound nuts yeah. like a bad 90s rom com. a less glamorous version of when harry met sally. but this year is the first time in …….years! where i can be super honest with myself, because i am..by myself. haha! it’s not as lonely as it sounds. ive been in uppity spirits the past few days, feeling more like myself and less paranoid about what everyone thinks of me.
im not wrecking my brain over this, its just a little curiosity is all. something interesting is bound to happen and i cant force anything. plus it feels much better when things unexpectedly work out. i dig this optimistic perspective.
ive always been a paranoid type of person. when i was a kid i was always worried what the other kids were thinking. i was always dreading the days we had to partner up or speak in front of the class. i dont know why i was so antisocial. i was always hoping for the future, knew id be great in some sort of way someday.
anyway ive been sorta down lately. this might be due to some type of social drug. its weird because some days ill be left feeling so great and happy for the future and some days (like today) ill be feeling so hopeless and lonely. im such a relationship person. i love falling in love! i love sharing my love! i love getting to know people! aaaand yet i cant meet anyone. or talk to anyone for that matter. not sure why or how ive become so antisocial, perhaps all this partying has finally caught up to me and i really just need to stay home for a few days. sounds about right.
of course im sure the number one reason i havent met anyone is because im a pussy and am not used to pursuing anyone. i feel so out of my element. forced to try. how is it that when i act like myself and comfortable the wrong people end up liking me? and the people i (secretly lol) vie for end up thinking im boring cuz im too damn scared to say anything. at this rate ill never get what i want waaaaahhh. im too scared of losing so i play it safe and just try to act as normal as possible. ask stupid irrelevant questions. pretend to move on. god i really suck.
mind you that a majority of my worries is simply a package deal that comes with my social party supplies from sf pride. maaan sf pride. had….such potential. and i so wanted to meet someone! and i couldve but man i was just so out of it for some reason. i havent really been upset with myself in a while.. i dont know what to do about it really except marinate in my self loathing. why cant i just meet someone already! im literally laughing at myself for taking friends advices and joining more and more social networks. what the hell is wrong with me?! i feel like ive been playing it calm cool and collective but sometimes ill really just freak out and over think everything. my dad has always compared me to a “chicken running around with its head cut off”.
darn these feelings! im just so ancy! and i want a new house! and a new lover! and maybe new shoes! i dunno im always wanting something and i havent been satisfied in any of those areas for quite some time. whhhhhy cant i just let myself be happy. i cant tell if i like someone or what. i just get so curious is all. and its not like i have a bad life… i just want to focus on someone other than myself. im such a sap. all i can do is swallow my pride and get over myself. pffhh.