ive always been a paranoid type of person. when i was a kid i was always worried what the other kids were thinking. i was always dreading the days we had to partner up or speak in front of the class. i dont know why i was so antisocial. i was always hoping for the future, knew id be great in some sort of way someday.
anyway ive been sorta down lately. this might be due to some type of social drug. its weird because some days ill be left feeling so great and happy for the future and some days (like today) ill be feeling so hopeless and lonely. im such a relationship person. i love falling in love! i love sharing my love! i love getting to know people! aaaand yet i cant meet anyone. or talk to anyone for that matter. not sure why or how ive become so antisocial, perhaps all this partying has finally caught up to me and i really just need to stay home for a few days. sounds about right.
of course im sure the number one reason i havent met anyone is because im a pussy and am not used to pursuing anyone. i feel so out of my element. forced to try. how is it that when i act like myself and comfortable the wrong people end up liking me? and the people i (secretly lol) vie for end up thinking im boring cuz im too damn scared to say anything. at this rate ill never get what i want waaaaahhh. im too scared of losing so i play it safe and just try to act as normal as possible. ask stupid irrelevant questions. pretend to move on. god i really suck.
mind you that a majority of my worries is simply a package deal that comes with my social party supplies from sf pride. maaan sf pride. had….such potential. and i so wanted to meet someone! and i couldve but man i was just so out of it for some reason. i havent really been upset with myself in a while.. i dont know what to do about it really except marinate in my self loathing. why cant i just meet someone already! im literally laughing at myself for taking friends advices and joining more and more social networks. what the hell is wrong with me?! i feel like ive been playing it calm cool and collective but sometimes ill really just freak out and over think everything. my dad has always compared me to a “chicken running around with its head cut off”.
darn these feelings! im just so ancy! and i want a new house! and a new lover! and maybe new shoes! i dunno im always wanting something and i havent been satisfied in any of those areas for quite some time. whhhhhy cant i just let myself be happy. i cant tell if i like someone or what. i just get so curious is all. and its not like i have a bad life… i just want to focus on someone other than myself. im such a sap. all i can do is swallow my pride and get over myself. pffhh.