i haven’t updated this in months.
i’ve been busy. i’ve been….without internet. finding a house to live in has been so hard and even now that i live in a house, it hasn’t gotten any easier.
so here i am at work. blogging like an asshole. getting paid to mind vomit on the internet. but i just have so many feelings. and today i just feel…so sad. its weird because my mind has been in a good state the past couple weeks. i felt great and confident. but today and yesterday it was like a light switch… i just wanted to bury myself and disappear for a few days. run away to my best friend who lives so far away. but i had my roommate who i feel has a secret vendetta against me since i refused to give her the master bedroom of the house. im starting to feel like i just wanna turn over and hand her the room because im in such an apathetic state. i forget what its like to surrender your mind to negative thoughts. perhaps im weak minded or something but i just feel so defeated for some reason. i dont wanna do anything productive i just want things to work themselves out on their own.
so summer is coming to an official end. no more first days of school. just work. i sorta miss that first day of school feeling. that feeling of “whos in my class”, “where are my classes”…there’s a sort of ease that you feel. like you can be excused from grown up stuff since you’re too busy “getting your college degree”. and now i have mine. so now what. i just work.
the past two days have been so blah-ze-blehh. i wish someone would sweep me off my feet. i’ve met and hung out with a few people this past summer. it was good for what it was but the influence they had on me was so light and tender. like a chicken breast without sauce. stupid dry. im tired of being in my own thoughts, and im tired of hearing the same damn thing every time. i wish someone would just amaze me. to my embarrassment i joined a few social/dating websites because my friends insisted. theyre just places for pretentious fucks to write about themselves. and people message you with less than clever tag lines like “hey let me make your boat float”
why am i so anxious to meet somebody. i think im just bored out of my mind. i wanna be preoccupied. i find myself going on meaningless dates to fill my time. listening to people talk about their crazy exes, their dreams of making petty money, tattoo ideas.. empty laughter. lots of “im sorry” and “thank you so much”. my previous work in retail has taught me how to control my voice to make it friendly, feminine, sort of attractive. i sound so fake, but i really do try my best to like a person. i feel like i dig so deep into a person but i just get..nothing. i find myself wanting to go back a life that ive already lived, but i was so happy back then. that person made me happy but they can’t now. when will this person come into my life. i haven’t felt so empty in a while.
as a matter of fact i spent a lot of my summer very chipper, as discussed before. i think it ran out or something.