TL/DR: my life is a rom com. without the comic relief

IMG_7938why is it that i feel like i’m living a really bad 90s rom com movie? as much as id like to believe that rom com are purely fictional gratuitous representations of real life, why is it that i feel like im living a really bad realistic version of “he’s just not that into you”? why is it that we disregard the people who actually try and fall for the people who could care less.? when we watch these sorts of movies, it’s clear to the audience that the heroine of the movie, often blinded by superficial insignificant factors, will eventually end up with “the right guy”, the guy that was juuust under her nose. her friend. well shit. my friend just isn’t my cup of tea. of course we all can’t get what we want, but why would we settle for somebody we have lukewarm feelings for? hot and cold. maaaybe ill make out with you. wait, i was drunk when that thought ran through my brain. im sober now.. and you’re still okay to me.

i sound like such a bitch. but can you give me an A for effort for trying put things in perspective… for about a month. of course “trying” could also translate to “leading you on”. my friends like you. my grandparents would super approve. i think you could take care of me. and yet i dont like you. more reasons to hate me. i feel like scarlett jo’s character in he’s just not that into you. i dig bradley cooper’s sleazy ass, but i suppose this nice guy is better for me? ohhhh why do i gravitate towards the pricks. naturally we would assume that the whole “hard to get” shpeel(sp) is intriguing versus someone handing their feelings to us on a silver platter. but i’d like to think that i’m not just some shallow girl with superficial feelings. yeah you’re not “my cup of tea”. but your conversation level is at a cool 6 or 7. i want my brain to explode with excitement when i talk to you.

everything is just so lukewarm to me. i felt some excitement a few weeks ago only to get shot down after one nightcap. of course 1/5 people will reject my efforts. why does it play out this way. just give me your feelings! so that i can stop trying to imagine a relationship with this friend. friend. ahh the friend zone. a dangerous zone. i hate being the person to do it, i just want us all to be happy! which is a prime reason why i am the worst person with communication.

can i just say that the amount of awkward sex that i’ve received this year is irrationally high? okay it’s not that high. two people? im paranoid. wont say names. but god that was weird. i guess we all have to go through that eventually. it was like a scene out of lena dunham’s girls. sidenote: adam was pretty attractive in the season finale, i would probably beat. or he would beat me.. but i dunno maybe i’d be into that. would probably need a safety word. anyway. i moves on.

so when somebody disregards your efforts, automatically you reevaluate yourself as a person. wow youre cool, why don’t you think i’m cool too? did i misinterpret our conversation as something great? i genuinely laughed at all your jokes, and you pretty much complimented me the entire night? my friends are getting tired of me whining about this situation. good dick will imprison a woman.. meh.

the reason i fight against these lukewarm feelings is because i have been in a relationship where we were both crazy about each other. it was very organic and real. i didn’t find myself trying to find the amazing in a person, it shined through perfectly and i generously basked in it with delight. but why is it taking me so long to find this? im tired of dating around. its been 10 months. the longest i’ve ever been single. im getting puppy feels. as in, i really want a dog to keep me at home and company. i cant tell if this want is some reaction from loneliness. ive been looking into adoption centers and i’ve researched a vast amount of dogs. it weirds me out how i can actually name a species and their characteristics. i’ve been researching cats too. bengals are beautiful but too smart for a noob owner like myself.

oh god. its happening. the rom com lifestyle. i’m actually researching pets to get rid of my loneliness. where is the comic relief. oh nvm, thats just my life in general. comic relief. bah.

4ever young

Imagei get all sad when i think about all the stupid stuff i used to worry myself about when i was in high school. when i was in the moment,i was so caught up in petty worries…. i think about it now and wish that i really got to soak in that down time. a real time to be irresponsible and dumb. to experience things for the first time, and not have to imagine it through books and movies. i used to get so choked up watching movies as a kid. getting all sorts of feels just thinking about some fictional character’s anguish. wondering about the time where i will “come of age”. i remember just about all of my firsts…first kiss, first love, first date, first prom, first middle school dance…..dah to feel that excitement again! you get used to those things the more accessible it becomes. i remember having to sneak around just to be alone with my high school boyfriend…now i can literally afford to have someone live with me. nuts.

now that i think about it, my adolescence wasn’t too bad..growing up in my hometown, i felt very invisible. i was more comfortable with going unnoticed. i would spend most of my time just anticipating the future, because at the time my present just seemed too stressful.  i just had a lot of inner demons. i was super shy and always expected the very worst from people. working in groups during class stressed me out. deciding whether i wanted to read in front of the class was a huge issue for me. i was so paranoid about what every one thought of me. it’s crazy to hear other people’s perspectives apart from yours. i really took myself as a very ordinary girl during middle school and high school. you develop this ego, whether its good or bad. either way i was stuck in my own world. i would marinate in my woes. if only i knew what i knew now….

im thankful that i spent my years very honest growing up. i acted how i felt i should act, i wasn’t phony and i had a great set of friends in high school. eventually the right person did like me for me……i still wonder how it will ever work out.

i keep talking about this but im pretty sad that i’m currently making the transition into a newer part of my life. there was childhood, adolescence, college life, and now working life. time to be responsible and sophisticated. make thoughtful big girl decisions. budget….once again i find myself out of my element. i wonder who or what will change my life for the next five years. i feel as though something drastic is about to take place….no matter how old i get i keep finding out more things about myself…

once in a while ill get a sudden mood swing. punches me in the heart and my tummy gets all flustered. my heart will perk up and ill get super excited just thinking about all the possible turns my life could take. these past few months i’ve grown to appreciate myself a little more than usual…so i can properly invest my love and affection and guilt free. it sucks because ill complain if someone acts too easy but ill get frustrated if someone is too hard to read. whyyy cant i just act right for once. shit. i start thinking too hard and i cant make conscious decisions. like once i realize i like someone i just go full turbo and immediately lose all of my cool. i feel as though sometimes i black out and i dont even remember the conversations i had because i was too nervous. damn im such a lame-o.