i get all sad when i think about all the stupid stuff i used to worry myself about when i was in high school. when i was in the moment,i was so caught up in petty worries…. i think about it now and wish that i really got to soak in that down time. a real time to be irresponsible and dumb. to experience things for the first time, and not have to imagine it through books and movies. i used to get so choked up watching movies as a kid. getting all sorts of feels just thinking about some fictional character’s anguish. wondering about the time where i will “come of age”. i remember just about all of my firsts…first kiss, first love, first date, first prom, first middle school dance…..dah to feel that excitement again! you get used to those things the more accessible it becomes. i remember having to sneak around just to be alone with my high school boyfriend…now i can literally afford to have someone live with me. nuts.
now that i think about it, my adolescence wasn’t too bad..growing up in my hometown, i felt very invisible. i was more comfortable with going unnoticed. i would spend most of my time just anticipating the future, because at the time my present just seemed too stressful. i just had a lot of inner demons. i was super shy and always expected the very worst from people. working in groups during class stressed me out. deciding whether i wanted to read in front of the class was a huge issue for me. i was so paranoid about what every one thought of me. it’s crazy to hear other people’s perspectives apart from yours. i really took myself as a very ordinary girl during middle school and high school. you develop this ego, whether its good or bad. either way i was stuck in my own world. i would marinate in my woes. if only i knew what i knew now….
im thankful that i spent my years very honest growing up. i acted how i felt i should act, i wasn’t phony and i had a great set of friends in high school. eventually the right person did like me for me……i still wonder how it will ever work out.
i keep talking about this but im pretty sad that i’m currently making the transition into a newer part of my life. there was childhood, adolescence, college life, and now working life. time to be responsible and sophisticated. make thoughtful big girl decisions. budget….once again i find myself out of my element. i wonder who or what will change my life for the next five years. i feel as though something drastic is about to take place….no matter how old i get i keep finding out more things about myself…
once in a while ill get a sudden mood swing. punches me in the heart and my tummy gets all flustered. my heart will perk up and ill get super excited just thinking about all the possible turns my life could take. these past few months i’ve grown to appreciate myself a little more than usual…so i can properly invest my love and affection and guilt free. it sucks because ill complain if someone acts too easy but ill get frustrated if someone is too hard to read. whyyy cant i just act right for once. shit. i start thinking too hard and i cant make conscious decisions. like once i realize i like someone i just go full turbo and immediately lose all of my cool. i feel as though sometimes i black out and i dont even remember the conversations i had because i was too nervous. damn im such a lame-o.