my blue valentine

Imageive forgotten what it’s like to hurt so much over someone. nobody in particular has hurt me but watching the movie “my blue valentine” reminded me what it’s like to fall out of love with someone. the changes.. the immediate force to change. change of pace. change of lifestyle. its scary. to feel almost nauseous at the idea of having to live your life without this person. and now.. its like these things dont even matter. 

falling out of love. everything seems bland. you start to think about when things were amazing. these memories become the sole reason you hold onto something that seems wilted or expired. its like you’re in a mental time machine, jumping between past and present. hoping the future is something better. this too shall pass. its just a phase. once this situation blows over things will go back to how they should be. in my experience, this is probably the worst thing you could do at this point. forcing yourself to focus on something that already happened, years ago. it was great when it happened, but you were different people in different situations. 

i think i fell way too fast in my last relationship. i wasn’t 100% healed from my previous and it was just an overlap of baggage. bags on bags. i wanted to love this person so much but my heart was still devoted to this person who singlehandedly thrilled me at a very tender age. i tried and terribly failed. did terrible things that you shouldn’t do to people who care so much for you. im definitely a different person now, less indecisive. i think i was just addicted to the process of loving someone. the thrill you get in finding someone who fascinates you. 

i think im terrified of falling back in love. its a huge commitment and i want so much for it be the absolute right person. when i fall, i wanna fall so unforgivably hard. no lukewarm feelings of maybies. i want to be sure. i want to know in my heart that this person is the only person who could make me feel this way. and i dont think im ready for that right now. i keep finding people who fascinate me, but within weeks im over it. i need someone to hold my gaze. my tunnel vision can only last so long. and i want it to be with someone who doesnt need to play games or make me second guess the things i do. 

sidenote, why is it that when i find myself even liking someone a teency bit its like i completely lose my cool? i start second guessing my actions, the things i say, the things i post on social networks. my tunnel vision may be temporary, but its extremely potent. all of a sudden im dissecting every little sort of interaction i have with this person. the thing is i get over it fast and suddenly im like brand new. am i giving up too easily? am i just becoming lazy in the art of courtship? or am i just a lame person when things get super up close and personal? cant tell.

anyway ahhh love. why are we so consumed by it? there are those who just cant be by themselves, there are those who are constantly searching for the physical interaction, and theres me. i simply float. it is what it is. thanks for the feelings.

a happy place

Imagemy friend has a place in the mission that i just love cooping myself in. it’s so small, smaller than my dorm room freshman year in college. i’d say no bigger than 10 by 10..maybe smaller. super high ceilings though. you could hang a hammock near the ceiling and still have room to walk around. its so…comfy. whenever im there i let myself melt away into his covers. he has big plushy goose feathered blankets that i love wrapping and rolling my legs around. he has only one window which actually leads to a small open space with an opening up top for light to barely trickle in. when i wake up i never know what time it is. the concept of time is lost…and i fucking love it. i love places that completely extinguish the concept of time. it feels like days go by but theyre just minutes.. and nobody really cares either way. what’s funny is you may not know what time is it but for some reason you have a better chance of getting the gist of what the weather is like. when im in this happy place its like i disappear for a few days in complete bliss. i can afford to disappear. to wake up whenever, smoke a sweet joint, and eat a nice lavish brunch with amazing people. i feel free, relaxed, sometimes adored. it’s a nice warm place to be in. its a nice way to live. if i could live like that for the rest of my life i feel like i would be content. of course i wouldnt commit to that, seeing that so much changes in a year. 

after a long thanksgiving weekend full of indulgence, i ran away to this spot to get away from student loans, deadlines, work, etc. i came and i literally slept the entire time. when i fall asleep it feels like how i fell asleep in my parents bed when i was a kid. just sleep.

its funny how we can be so sure about something at one moment, but personal experiences and time has the absolute ability to completely flip that perspective.. i feel like i’ve spent so much of my life indecisive, unsure. but this feeling that i have about life, feels so secure. so content. so hopeful. people notice. they tell me i’m so full of life. its a real compliment. ive never been so sure.