my blue valentine

Imageive forgotten what it’s like to hurt so much over someone. nobody in particular has hurt me but watching the movie “my blue valentine” reminded me what it’s like to fall out of love with someone. the changes.. the immediate force to change. change of pace. change of lifestyle. its scary. to feel almost nauseous at the idea of having to live your life without this person. and now.. its like these things dont even matter. 

falling out of love. everything seems bland. you start to think about when things were amazing. these memories become the sole reason you hold onto something that seems wilted or expired. its like you’re in a mental time machine, jumping between past and present. hoping the future is something better. this too shall pass. its just a phase. once this situation blows over things will go back to how they should be. in my experience, this is probably the worst thing you could do at this point. forcing yourself to focus on something that already happened, years ago. it was great when it happened, but you were different people in different situations. 

i think i fell way too fast in my last relationship. i wasn’t 100% healed from my previous and it was just an overlap of baggage. bags on bags. i wanted to love this person so much but my heart was still devoted to this person who singlehandedly thrilled me at a very tender age. i tried and terribly failed. did terrible things that you shouldn’t do to people who care so much for you. im definitely a different person now, less indecisive. i think i was just addicted to the process of loving someone. the thrill you get in finding someone who fascinates you. 

i think im terrified of falling back in love. its a huge commitment and i want so much for it be the absolute right person. when i fall, i wanna fall so unforgivably hard. no lukewarm feelings of maybies. i want to be sure. i want to know in my heart that this person is the only person who could make me feel this way. and i dont think im ready for that right now. i keep finding people who fascinate me, but within weeks im over it. i need someone to hold my gaze. my tunnel vision can only last so long. and i want it to be with someone who doesnt need to play games or make me second guess the things i do. 

sidenote, why is it that when i find myself even liking someone a teency bit its like i completely lose my cool? i start second guessing my actions, the things i say, the things i post on social networks. my tunnel vision may be temporary, but its extremely potent. all of a sudden im dissecting every little sort of interaction i have with this person. the thing is i get over it fast and suddenly im like brand new. am i giving up too easily? am i just becoming lazy in the art of courtship? or am i just a lame person when things get super up close and personal? cant tell.

anyway ahhh love. why are we so consumed by it? there are those who just cant be by themselves, there are those who are constantly searching for the physical interaction, and theres me. i simply float. it is what it is. thanks for the feelings.

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