ImageOkay I am absolutely terrified of the future. I keep attempting to make some sort of change but the thought of actually achieving it seems almost impossible. I’m so afraid of failing in front of everyone. I had a means of pay and now I have the potential to be absolutely broke. Somewhere I sense a small light of mercy but for the most part I’m very sure I’ll end up having to pay for my careless mistakes. 

I have to redo … everything. I have to reinvent myself. I’m not entirely sure if I’m capable of this. I feel like I’ve been living a phony design life. I have yet to make something I totally own up to. It feels like a huge black hole is consuming my life I get super anxious just thinking about it. What does it take for me to absolutely apply myself? It’s so overwhelming to think that I will have to eventually totally reinvent myself so that I am likable and relatable to people who want to work with me. I just feel super low about myself. Not capable. So unsure. Why haven’t I gotten the feedback that I want yet….. so much to plan for. I just need like a solid four months of solitude to get my crap together. Why hasn’t my severance kicked in. I feel like a lost child. I feel a part of me going crazy, I can’t even talk freely to people without having this thing at the back of my mind. How am I going to get through this? Will I be unemployed forever? What if I try so hard and fail. The most important people are waiting on my next move. I haven’t been so bothered in a while. I feel like people can totally see it in my body language, I have no sense of composure. What am i going to do! 

My life has the potential to be amazing but I have a feeling its going to take a super long time to get there. Fuck fuck fuck. Ouchhhhhhh. My mental abilities are being put to an ultimate test. Mind over matter. I refuse to sit here and feel sorry for myself but right now the negative feelings are totally eating me alive. I’ll be out of town this weekend I think I need this. I hope I’m making the right decision. I need a sign. Ugh.. 

It was much easier making mistakes before. I didn’t have a rent to worry about..the bills.. I feel totally engulfed in simple grown up problems. I’m not ready to deal. I’m not ready to sacrifice. Give me another year……..

a personal letter of clarity

ImageI am officially lost in the sauce. I have approximately a week and a half to live comfortably then I will be at an absolute crunch for money. I’m trying not to think of it. Returning the ordinary life of struggle. It’s been a fun year and a half. My life is officially entering phase four. The fourth channel. I feel the life slowly leaving me, the anxiety consuming me. My insecurities eating me from the inside. I can’t even hold a conversation without feeling completely exposed. I have no sense of composure. I feel so low and insignificant. I allowed myself to become completely open and now it’s like… I just wanna hide myself. I’m embarrassed. What do I have to show. Not much…

This is good for me. I think I got way too comfortable living a life that was a little above mediocrity. It was a desk corporate life that allowed me to do just enough. I still felt restricted, and I’m positive the next couple months will feel like a bandaid being ripped from an open wound. But sadly this is what I need to change. I think the past year allowed me to grow into myself as a person, this year will be a year to work on my craft and career. I want so bad to be distinguished and relevant at what I do. People tell me of what I’m capable of and I still can’t completely believe them because I haven’t allowed myself to completely immerse into a project.

It’s another year where apart of me dies. This will be the year. 

So anyway if you haven’t caught on by now…I was let go from my day job. It was something I was dreading for months. While it paid quite nice for someone my age, I felt like the creative part of my brain was festering under the stiff boot of corporate design. And I let it happen. Classic me, no absolute leeway for a safety net. But that makes things that much more exciting. I have to start designing like a fucking maniac. And not just for money, for myself as an artist. Goddammit this is gonna hurt me so much. 

More personal things. I think I really did let myself go. For a quick second I thought I was falling in love. My heart sort of broke when I realized how much I was giving away. I haven’t surrendered myself to somebody in a while, especially looking at the situation at a whole. I was losing the power, letting my feelings take complete control. I think I just need to cool out for a few. My minds so consumed with personal thoughts. Hasn’t been like this in a while. I’m sort of just bouncing around everywhere with my thoughts. Anyway I’m not ready to completely give myself away to somebody. I appreciate you, I think I love you. But not now….