Okay I am absolutely terrified of the future. I keep attempting to make some sort of change but the thought of actually achieving it seems almost impossible. I’m so afraid of failing in front of everyone. I had a means of pay and now I have the potential to be absolutely broke. Somewhere I sense a small light of mercy but for the most part I’m very sure I’ll end up having to pay for my careless mistakes.
I have to redo … everything. I have to reinvent myself. I’m not entirely sure if I’m capable of this. I feel like I’ve been living a phony design life. I have yet to make something I totally own up to. It feels like a huge black hole is consuming my life I get super anxious just thinking about it. What does it take for me to absolutely apply myself? It’s so overwhelming to think that I will have to eventually totally reinvent myself so that I am likable and relatable to people who want to work with me. I just feel super low about myself. Not capable. So unsure. Why haven’t I gotten the feedback that I want yet….. so much to plan for. I just need like a solid four months of solitude to get my crap together. Why hasn’t my severance kicked in. I feel like a lost child. I feel a part of me going crazy, I can’t even talk freely to people without having this thing at the back of my mind. How am I going to get through this? Will I be unemployed forever? What if I try so hard and fail. The most important people are waiting on my next move. I haven’t been so bothered in a while. I feel like people can totally see it in my body language, I have no sense of composure. What am i going to do!
My life has the potential to be amazing but I have a feeling its going to take a super long time to get there. Fuck fuck fuck. Ouchhhhhhh. My mental abilities are being put to an ultimate test. Mind over matter. I refuse to sit here and feel sorry for myself but right now the negative feelings are totally eating me alive. I’ll be out of town this weekend I think I need this. I hope I’m making the right decision. I need a sign. Ugh..
It was much easier making mistakes before. I didn’t have a rent to worry about..the bills.. I feel totally engulfed in simple grown up problems. I’m not ready to deal. I’m not ready to sacrifice. Give me another year……..