i’ve been feeling pretty down lately. i feel as though i’ve been in a much different state of mind versus how i was as of late last year. i seemed to have hit a plateau. every thing feels as if its in black and white. my mind is weak and im trying so hard to get past it. i know its just my mind ruining my wellbeing but for some reason i cant get over it. i just let it eat me up inside. i dwell so hard. it’s hard to like myself and the work that i do. i cant even bring myself to talk to people i respect. it’s as though, once i see someone as an equal human being i put them five feet above me and suddenly i dont feel worthy. the things i say to them are absurd. im not charming. my words are meaningless and lack quality.
i’m told differently. i am constantly being reminded of my potential, and i sense that if i were to get past this self loathing phase i could really be somebody great. i dont loathe myself for attention, i really do feel like i’m not good enough. its affecting everything i put out. i feel as though im having more meaningless conversations. i want so much to meet new people and pick their brains but i feel so low inside. the people who want to date me are the people that disinterest me. i dont know what my deal is! friends fall for me because i can act myself around them, but the people i adore i just shut myself out from them. ughhhh
i feel as though my life is about to drastically change. i want so much to be in love again. to move to a new area. to meet new people. to feel something great inside. to adore someone, learn about them more. do all of those corny relationship things like get high, order more food than needed, watch movies til forever. i want someone to teach me new things. i want to soak in somebody’s light..because mine feels so dim and worn out.
there is a possibility that i might have to let my house go. ive been so reckless with my money, spending it on petty things. these little transactions to satisfy these little spurts of excitement. i want to feel something consistent. i want to do something different. i need the cheat codes to life. this cubicle job isn’t a way to live. doing mundane work to make ends meet. how does one go about traveling? people make it look so easy. i dont have the money for it. saving up sounds like it will take an eternity. can i just disappear tomorrow and come back when i feel better?
i received a sad photo of my dad on his birthday. it wasn’t sad in that he was sad, but for some reason i felt some sort of pity upon receiving it. his tiny cubicle had been decorated with little party city trinkets with a “happy birthday louie” sign hanging on the outside. my dad liked it so much he had his coworkers take a pic of him standing next to it. i feel like a snooty pants pitying this because the gesture is nice and its always amazing to have people go out of their way to celebrate your birthday. but i couldnt get past the fact that my dad spends almost half of his day in this tiny cubicle. about three hours total in commuting. he deserves to live a life outside of that mundane environment. i too work in a cubicle. i fear myself falling in those footsteps. he does it for his family. and anyway its all about perspective. i think im just putting myself in this position.
obviously im having some major first world problems. my negative vibes are totally eating me up and im just surrendering myself to it. i dont trust my want for love because im wondering if my minds just searching for a distraction. i try so hard to focus on developing my career so i wont have to bury myself in this conventional life. my brain feels lazy. all i do is go out and sleep. i have escapism problems. i procrastinate more intensely than before. its stressful.
im turning into an adult child. i know im being a cunt im crying about my problems. 2014 has been a hard year. ive been managing. sometimes i wanna give up and sometimes i feel inspired to work on myself. but these little spurts of inspiration fade so quickly. and im back to this brooding state of mind. im sure ill get over it eventually.