last night was probably one of the weirdest nights of 2014.. i dont know if it was the hippy lettuce or just my state of mind in general but i felt soooo alone being at a club last night. i was with my best friend but i felt so completely dead inside. i smoked a blunt to the face because i couldnt feel any of the jameson i was swigging. i got super paranoid and suddenly i didnt wanna go out. i wanted to hang out and watch movies in a big comfy bed. but it was my best friends birthday. we were rolling 6 deep. four of them copped out. one of them handed me free feel good pills. my best friend was getting ancy. the girl she wanted to see was going to be at the same event….with her girlfriend. im basically going for moral support. i think to myself “well this night is really happening. lets freestyle this bitch.” im completely silent the entire trip to the event. i cant tell if im drunk or just really really high. i practice my default conversations in my head…”hey! long time no see!” “yooo what time did you get here!” “TDFW!”… once were inside i immediately go to the bar to proceed to get my best friend drunk. cash only. well fuck, i have a dollar. my best friend is eagerly looking around for a familiar face. see some people we kinda know. “heeeey! happy pride! long time no see!” the people nod politely and make some room in the dance circle. time to dance. best friend sees hot girl with her girlfriend. exchange some words for a little i do a little dance to make it look like im not waiting on my friend. go to get cash. cash out 20 at the bar for 2 drinks. hand my friend a drink. shes completely marveled at the fact that this hot girl talked to her. “cool story bro, yeah shes def into you. uhh gonna get another drink brb” as i stand in the sea of people waving my 20 dollars i contemplate on just doing the moll. “fuck it, should be fun and im super negative nancy right now.” buy my drinks, make a b-line to the bathroom. i squat and try to make an estimate for “half”. throw it back, wash it down with a whiskey sour. it’s almost 12, wonder how long this will take to kick in. i come back to the group but i kinda wanna people watch cuz i dont feel like dancing. decide to stand near the opening and people watch. a decent looking gogo dancer with pixie cut blonde hair sheepishly looks at me and says “hun, you’re standing in my dancing area” k… move a few people down. stand next to some couple making out, wonder if im in their bubble (LOLOWELL). stare off into the sea of inebriated people. 20 minutes go by. nevermind it was 2 hours. time perception completely out of whack. im in a complete daze. i feel even more hollow inside. everything is getting blurry… i text my friend. im ready to go home and sleep. i tell him im planning to leave in 5 minutes. he texts me a few minutes later. “im leaving in 5.” “you said that an hour ago”…oh. lyft. i need a lyft. somehow i find a way to tell my friend im leaving. somehow i get in the right lyft. somehow i find my way to my friends apartment. i remember walking in and feeling relieved. then everything goes black. im laying down. heavy breathing. i think im moaning. i think im having sex. i dont know if we ever finished…… deep dreaming. i wake up super confused as to where i am. sigh of relief i find my friend sleeping next to me. he fills me in on the night. im absolutely repulsed my blacking out. im embarrassed. it wasnt rape because i actually really like this guy… but the idea of me being blacked out having sex kinda scares me. what an exhausting weekend. i feel absolutely dead inside. its hard to think…words coming out of my mouth dont comprehend. i cant hang. im still trying to figure out what exactly happened last night. this whole weekend has been a blur…… my relationship with my best friend is changing…times are changing.. its time to move on. i realize i have some amazing people in my life. im scared to lose them. comfort is a scary place to be in. until when is it can we stay comfortable? im so bothered by myself. i need change. i need to get out of this rut. i need to stop going to these basic outings. i need a concept. my selflove/self esteem has been severely low these days….time to make a change. do more stuff. do less drugs. be a better person. i feel myself depreciating in comparison to last year where i felt like i was completely blooming into this wonderful being. TL/DR: does drugs, gets weird results during pride. i like pride. but its just too exhausting.
uninspired. stuck in limbo. no feel for direction. nobody to truly confide in. as the weeks go on i feel lonelier. i feel nothing. i find myself looking at uplifting posts on reddit just to feel some sort of happiness. i dont feel happy but i dont feel terrible. i just feel regular. no desire to go out and socialize. my insecurities continue to engulf me. i find myself saying less. cutting my hair, making meaningless trips out of town. spending mass amounts of cash for nothing. going out, having these meaningless conversations with people that don’t intrigue me in the slightest. i lie to them. because all they do is say “me too.” nothing amazes me anymore. the guard is coming back up. i feel incredibly empty. need something to fill the void. no desire to better my career or the position im in. i feel as though im just waiting. this wave of laziness and boredom worries me. then again i have no desire to fix it. i just figure one day ill wake up and ill want to fix it. for now i just lay in bed. and scroll through my phone. thinking about the things i want and how easily attainable they are. i know its just a matter of improving your state of mind. and so i sit and wait until this chemical imbalance works itself out. and perhaps then ill go back to living this saturated world of color and wonder.