I want to be in a body of water somewhere with tropical climate. It’s the early afternoon on a late summers day, and there is nothing left on my agenda but to lay on this blow-up bed and soak in some UV rays. As the warm tropical breeze murmurs delicate sounds in my ears, I dip my heads backwards into the soothing water and stare into the deep blueness of the sea. As I watch the sun rays dance with the rhythm of the water, I slowly let the blue engulf me until I give up all sense in holding onto my floatation device and let my entire body fall into the water.
I’m in complete limbo with my design career right now, in an attempt to help me get out of this early-life crisis, my boyfriend asked me where I’d like to be right now. I guess I should be a scuba diver…All the places that I want to be aren’t related to any sort of service…. Maybe I just want to be incredibly infatuated with something or someone right now. Or just..to feel completely content with every thing going on with my life. Sadly it’s the complete opposite. I’m playing chess with 2015 and am losing miserably. I haven’t been making moves as fast as I’d like, but when I do, it’s abrupt and spontaneous. I know I’d like to leave this consumerism world. I get nauseous thinking about the amount of debt I’m in, the life that I’ve been living, the adult decisions I’ll have to make eventually…
I know I want to be great. On my own terms… I did the cubicle life for a minute and spent 70% of my time loathing and trying to leave it. I want to love what I do but I feel like a child in their terrible twos at the dinner table. Every just looks like work to me. I want to love it. I want to love the work that I do to the point where it isn’t a task.
Ever since I was abruptly let go from my job, I wonder about the people who seem to have their lives figured out. The people who briefly entered my life only to make the miniest of impacts. The old overweight man who proudly approaches cars at some seedy gas station to make his winning car wax product sales pitch. The Navajo family who spend their days showing tourists around their recreational park in the middle of nowhere. The distant craftspeople who left their conventional lives in suburbia to live in a small sustainable urban lab in the middle of the desert. Even the nerdy pizza guy who made incredibly decent pizza in the middle of the night while we were momentarily lost in Bakersfield. What was their backstory? Do they feel trapped or content? Am I thinking too hard about these things? I want to know their struggle.. is it terrible that I want to feel less bad about mine.. sometimes I think about the possibilities. If I could only just do it. Put myself out there.
In other news I went on a 4 day road trip from the Bay Area>Grand Canyon>Page, AZ>Phoenix>Acrosanti. It was my first time planning a road trip on my own and it went surprisingly well. We were actually sober a majority of the trip and finished a majority of everything planned for the agenda. We didn’t fight or bicker, nothing went wrong, the weather was perfect. It was a good weekend away from reality. I wish I could do it more.