Laugh now, cry later.

IMG_9078Ohh 2015.  It started off rough and it hasn’t let up since then. Unfortunately I haven’t found sight of any sort of resolution just yet. I’ve been biting the pillow all year. My confidence levels are shakier than ever, and I find myself consumed with paranoia, constantly comparing myself to every person I interact with. Suddenly every conversation feels like a job interview. I can’t help but wonder if there are any undertones of judgement. Jesus christ, I haven’t felt this insecure since I was a kid. I grew up in a household where your job is your worth. When I had my first big girl job, I used to wear my title high and proud, with barely anything to show for. I was a few years younger and completely full of it. My dad used to send me bank statements accusing me of going out like “some sort of rock star”. It was funny then but looking back at it now, it’s embarrassing. The design business a tough business to be in. I used to love it, but now it frightens me every time I pull up my portfolio and try presenting it to anyone. I don’t know what happened to me but… I just don’t feel whole anymore. I feel worthless inside. Unfulfilled. Work is more than just work. Its a fucking journey. It’s exhausting and when all is said and done, I still feel empty. Unemployed life was fun and now it’s just daunting to me. I’m going on my third month. I freak out every time my brain convinces me that my career is doomed. Everyone around me is traveling and “finding themselves” while I just feel myself dwindling away into nothingness. Once in a while I’ll play with the idea of couchsurfing my life away until I figure things out but then I remind myself that that lifestyle is impossible to achieve. I’ll go into my random “do better” spurts once in a while and then eventually my little spurt of energy suddenly evaporates into the twilight zone.

I’ve worked myself through some rough times. It’s been rewarding and I do trust my struggle. I think about the possible endings, how I may laugh at all this later in life. I want the most out of this life..but how….

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