IMG_5347.JPGIt’s been one of those off weeks. Last week I felt like a champ with all my interviews lined up, seemed like I was getting the right feedback and that I was on a pretty good path.

This week I felt like shit. I was pretty set on a job with Sephora as a senior designer..I tried my best to prep for the interview and even spent some of my Thanksgiving holiday prepping my portfolio accordingly. I had to convince my mom I couldn’t partake in holiday shenanigans by telling here what I was prepping for. Then she told everyone in my family. And now everyone knows that I didn’t get the job.

I wanna say that it probably wasn’t the right fit… the work atmosphere wasn’t what I expected. Felt very catty and superficial. Of course, it’s a company that markets products that enhances your facial cosmetology.

I was also informed by a recruiter that I was pretty damn close to landing a job. So while that was going on, I was waiting on Sephora and also interviewing with a recruiter for a job at Google. I was feeling gooood.

And this week I feel like nothing. I still feel terrible for copping out of that job opportunity with a nonprofit. I know I shouldn’t, and I keep telling myself that. But sometimes I can’t help it. This week my negative thinking really consumed me. I wasn’t able to silence it, or turn to it and say, “Now’s not a good time.” I also wasn’t able to go to the gym as much… it’s just an awkward time.

Works been getting more and more stressful. People in my department are dropping like dead flies. The reasons I loved working at my job cease to exist. I freakin loved my department, our entire dynamic worked. It was the reason I liked going into work. And now there’s only two of us and it feels like a race to see who will jump ship first. I firstly wanna secure a new job but the process has been slowing down and now I feel like I’m back at square one. Having to revise everything all over again. Back to the drawing board. What am I doing wrong and how can I fix it.

I just wanna a find a job that will give me a chance to grow. That understands that I do have potential if you give me the right projects. I just feel so empty at my current job. It’s been so hard to go into work these days. I never know if I’m gonna be safe. My last coworker left is all I have and it’s like I want to stay with her but I also want to leave. It’s bittersweet, and I’m so exhausted.

Woe is me, I know. I know it’s all part of the process, I’ve been telling myself that. I seem to be more aware of this when I’m on my better days. I see clearer, and it’s easier to look on the brighter side when you’re already standing on it.

Hopefully next week will be better. My goal has been to land a new job by the new year and get a raise. Das the goal and I’m sticking to it. Time to suck it up.

It’s been a very transformative year to say the least. Always the odd years. Ugh! My head and my heart hurts but I know I gotta just keep pushing. Sometimes I feel like I don’t have the energy to do so, and it’s easy to sink into my negative feelings. I just know that every little bit of effort counts. Everyone has a different process and I can’t keep comparing mine to others. Hoping I’ll get back to my piece of mind when this is all over.

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