But what about Present me?

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An odd thing happened this week. Firstly, I had a couple solid interviews that I felt ended on a good note. Secondly, I copped out of a potential job offer super last minute. WHAT. THE. FUUUUUCK. It was a great opportunity, great pay, great benefits, based in San Francisco. And yet I gave it up. I don’t know what came over me…hopefully this is one of those instants where nothing makes sense until the very end. Throughout the week I was getting good signs that this was moving in a good direction. Once I locked in my interview I suddenly felt…weird. Just that it wasn’t right for me. Like I would be going out of my way for something that wouldn’t benefit me as much as I thought it would. I tried calming myself down with Gaia’s self transformation documentaries and it got me so far. I figured I might as well go in and see how it is. But then I suddenly didn’t want to. I think the worst part was having to speak with my recruiter and tell her it was a no-go for me. The night before my interview. She was awesome throughout the process too. Ughhh why do I do these things? I feel like the main character of the movie who keeps unknowingly friend zoning her best friend. I hope I didn’t make a mistake. I wanna complain about it to someone but honestly this year has been about me making my own decisions. I do this annoying thing where I ask people their opinions and let them decide for me. Yeah….and I’m twenty-seven. Gahhh.

I know what I’m doing wrong. What I’ve been doing wrong, what I’ll probably keep doing until I gain enough discipline and mental stability (lol). I’ve been living in two time frames: the past and the future. I’m either complaining about what hasn’t happened yet that should’ve, or I’m thinking about how I happy I was before. Present me loses credit over past and future me. And it’s a trend that I notice looking at my old posts. It’s a terrible, unhealthy habit. And it’s something that I’ve allowed my mind to wander to. I’m slowly starting to understand the importance of honing your energy, to put your mind in a space where you wanna be. I’ve totally catered to my anxiety, which is fine to a certain extent. At least I know I’m human. But I really need to take responsibility.

2013 – the near end to a chapter

i wonder if 18 year old me would like me in present form. when i was 18 i was so….fresh lol. i didnt know how to dress when going out, i didn’t think you had to drink every time you went out, and i i’ve been feeling a bit lost these days. i feel like i’m still trying to find my place..it’s almost as if i don’t have a home :(. it’s an odd feeling..makes me feel empty. and everyone sucks.

i’ve been going out in my college town the past two weeks and already i’m sick of it. i can already feel myself growing tired of it, the people..everything. i feel like i’ve been dead the past two years and i was alive for a little, but now i feel like i’m slowly dying. i felt some form of happiness momentarily and now i’m just….meh.

pretty daunting that it’ll eventually just be me here… my friends will graduate, move away, and i myself was lucky enough to land a steady job in my field…here. i’m gonna be so sad! i remember being a freshman thinking “just 4 years and im out”.. but now i’m pretty much stuck. i think i’m looking for a reason to stay besides my job.

i have finally developed great feelings! – 2013

disclaimer: another old post from 2013.

i have finally developed great feelings!

for an imaginary person. derp.

sorry. the majestic quest to find true love is still at large. i just feel like im on the cusp! ive been meeting soo many interesting sorts of people. its so inspiring! i haven’t felt a bad vibe in a while. right now i feel almost immune to any sort of negative feelings. it feels so good to let things go. i dont understand how people let themselves become consumed with drama. i try to avoid it as much as possible. family, friends, ill be there for them but i would just rather choose to not participate.

i dont understand why it takes me so long to finish blogs. 4 days have passed. i sit at my laptop wondering what to write about it. then my thoughts sort of flutter away. i feel like i lost myself in the last blog i wrote. finished it just to finish it.

where/when can i feel this again…this feeling of excitement, an awakening to a new world? 

This post was written 4 years ago

Imagedays casually pass me by. once in a while ill take a moment to reflect on the things that have happened since then and wonder if i was even all the way there. how thoughtful were my decisions? the people who have passed me by…. the impressions i may have left on certain people.. i can be so reckless living in my own selfish world.. freaking out about things that nobody really cares about. not taking into account the damage im actually causing.

i cant tell how i see myself. the only person who i truly trust is my best friend….and i dont even get to talk to her that often. but we make it work week to week. i get so sad when i dont hear from her.

this whole entire summer ive been super preoccupied with family events, vacationing…and yet i feel so small and insignificant in my own little world. im slowly entering a new chapter in my life..the transition into adulthood. im scared to say that i feel like im doing a terrible job making this “transition”. my priorities seem to be out the window and i find myself making plans with people i don’t really care for. petty money spending. i feel bad because i know exactly how i feel but i leave a different sort of impression on people. i dont know why.

more feelings. i went to an MGMT concert on a whim. it was near the tenderloin in san francisco. theres something about san francisco where i just feel a breath of fresh air. the air where i live is stuffy and thick. the show was at the warfield, a small vintage venue. when the band started up, i realized i was trapped in hipsterland. i felt like i was in my element but it was sorta lame. i only knew a few mgmt songs so when i didn’t recognize the opening song i sorta just stood and watched the band do their thing.

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My life changed after I wrote this post. Not necessarily because of the post itself, but this dry MGMT show I went to opened me up to a new world–music festivals. It’s corny, and it’s a common phase that many go through and are still enduring. But this small show was like the gateway drug to the many investments I would dip into my wallet for. It’s how I met the people I’m surrounded with now. My boyfriend. My best friend. The volunteer work I do on the side. I still haven’t completely found myself in my career, but I know my place with music. And it’s still a developing process. I think about the music I saved on my soundcloud around this time. My stint with EDM and trap music. It’s all old to me now, like an old lover whom I liked for superficial reasons. I recently went on a soundcloud unfollow rampage(???) and it felt like I was breaking up with my high school boyfriend in a much less dramatic case. I think about the reasons I still followed these music blogs and I think about the first time I popped at a music festival. The first time the bright lights swallowed me whole and my heart dropped with excitement. It was all so amazing and eye opening. And eventually it spiraled out of control. Good things never last, per cliche. And so here I am.. at the near close to an old chapter of my life. I still go to shows and festivals but some times it feels like more work than fun.. the planning that goes into it, the money, etc. It’s brought me to great people, and for that I’m grateful. Now I guess we just wait and see what happens next.

A World Broken – 2015

My existing world view is constantly being shattered and replaced with a (glorious) new vision. This new vision is still in the process of rebuilding itself. Right now I feel like I’m going through that stage where I’m breaking up with my former self. It freaks me out how much of myself is changing. It’s like a broken heart, but a different kind of pain since it’s only my world that is being affected. Because of this, there isn’t really anyone else to blame except myself.. This new kind of pain.. my hearts been “broken” in numerous ways but I feel like over the years I’ve matured toward that pain. I’ve learned to reinterpret my feelings for others. Definitely not to act on it. At least keep them to myself until things settle out. Or.. maybe I really just haven’t met the right person to drive me crazy like 20 year old me. I sometimes wonder about that.. to be incredibly infatuated with someone to the point where all logic goes out the door.

5 years ago

Screen Shot 2012-10-11 at 12.10.16 PMI’m starting a thing where I post my old drafts. Little pockets of random thoughts that I started and my goldfish of a brain left it to rest on the window sill.

i officially dont trust myself.

pause

the past month i’ve been walking around with a tiny notebook writing down every single thought in my head. the conclusion is that

//

I couldn’t figure out the conclusion. Or I just got bored and moved on with my life because I know that that’s just a part of me that will never change. This fascinates me because I still do this. I’ve done this my whole life, since I could write and spell. I’ve always documented every part of my life.

I remember I brought my very first diary to “Share Day” in first grade. It was a Sleeping Beauty themed book with a rubber plush cover that sort of imprinted when you pressed hard on it. It came with a bright pink lock that wasn’t very functional, but I loved the idea that my thoughts were in my control. There was a group of “it girls” in my class (yes, first grade..lord) and they asked if they could read some of my diary. I didn’t think anything of it and figured why not. They read it over and promptly returned it huffing, “It’s kinda boring.” It didn’t hurt me but I felt confused. Oh well, thats my life.

My parents recently put me on blast about this telling me they found my journals from elementary school. They laughed at my youthful woes, my innocent dislike towards ordinary things. Looking back at it now, I was always upset about something. I was never satisfied with the now, always awaiting the later. And I still do this shit. Maybe that’s just what my brain was wired to do. Anyway, I write because my mind just likes to take me to places and leave me there to ponder. It’s my only way of releasing my thoughts so they don’t collect to the point where I implode. Anyway, five years have passed since I wrote that. I’m all the same. Still figuring things out. Hoping my writings will lead me to something profound.

Laugh now, cry later.

IMG_9078Ohh 2015.  It started off rough and it hasn’t let up since then. Unfortunately I haven’t found sight of any sort of resolution just yet. I’ve been biting the pillow all year. My confidence levels are shakier than ever, and I find myself consumed with paranoia, constantly comparing myself to every person I interact with. Suddenly every conversation feels like a job interview. I can’t help but wonder if there are any undertones of judgement. Jesus christ, I haven’t felt this insecure since I was a kid. I grew up in a household where your job is your worth. When I had my first big girl job, I used to wear my title high and proud, with barely anything to show for. I was a few years younger and completely full of it. My dad used to send me bank statements accusing me of going out like “some sort of rock star”. It was funny then but looking back at it now, it’s embarrassing. The design business a tough business to be in. I used to love it, but now it frightens me every time I pull up my portfolio and try presenting it to anyone. I don’t know what happened to me but… I just don’t feel whole anymore. I feel worthless inside. Unfulfilled. Work is more than just work. Its a fucking journey. It’s exhausting and when all is said and done, I still feel empty. Unemployed life was fun and now it’s just daunting to me. I’m going on my third month. I freak out every time my brain convinces me that my career is doomed. Everyone around me is traveling and “finding themselves” while I just feel myself dwindling away into nothingness. Once in a while I’ll play with the idea of couchsurfing my life away until I figure things out but then I remind myself that that lifestyle is impossible to achieve. I’ll go into my random “do better” spurts once in a while and then eventually my little spurt of energy suddenly evaporates into the twilight zone.

I’ve worked myself through some rough times. It’s been rewarding and I do trust my struggle. I think about the possible endings, how I may laugh at all this later in life. I want the most out of this life..but how….