TL/DR: my life is a rom com. without the comic relief

IMG_7938why is it that i feel like i’m living a really bad 90s rom com movie? as much as id like to believe that rom com are purely fictional gratuitous representations of real life, why is it that i feel like im living a really bad realistic version of “he’s just not that into you”? why is it that we disregard the people who actually try and fall for the people who could care less.? when we watch these sorts of movies, it’s clear to the audience that the heroine of the movie, often blinded by superficial insignificant factors, will eventually end up with “the right guy”, the guy that was juuust under her nose. her friend. well shit. my friend just isn’t my cup of tea. of course we all can’t get what we want, but why would we settle for somebody we have lukewarm feelings for? hot and cold. maaaybe ill make out with you. wait, i was drunk when that thought ran through my brain. im sober now.. and you’re still okay to me.

i sound like such a bitch. but can you give me an A for effort for trying put things in perspective… for about a month. of course “trying” could also translate to “leading you on”. my friends like you. my grandparents would super approve. i think you could take care of me. and yet i dont like you. more reasons to hate me. i feel like scarlett jo’s character in he’s just not that into you. i dig bradley cooper’s sleazy ass, but i suppose this nice guy is better for me? ohhhh why do i gravitate towards the pricks. naturally we would assume that the whole “hard to get” shpeel(sp) is intriguing versus someone handing their feelings to us on a silver platter. but i’d like to think that i’m not just some shallow girl with superficial feelings. yeah you’re not “my cup of tea”. but your conversation level is at a cool 6 or 7. i want my brain to explode with excitement when i talk to you.

everything is just so lukewarm to me. i felt some excitement a few weeks ago only to get shot down after one nightcap. of course 1/5 people will reject my efforts. why does it play out this way. just give me your feelings! so that i can stop trying to imagine a relationship with this friend. friend. ahh the friend zone. a dangerous zone. i hate being the person to do it, i just want us all to be happy! which is a prime reason why i am the worst person with communication.

can i just say that the amount of awkward sex that i’ve received this year is irrationally high? okay it’s not that high. two people? im paranoid. wont say names. but god that was weird. i guess we all have to go through that eventually. it was like a scene out of lena dunham’s girls. sidenote: adam was pretty attractive in the season finale, i would probably beat. or he would beat me.. but i dunno maybe i’d be into that. would probably need a safety word. anyway. i moves on.

so when somebody disregards your efforts, automatically you reevaluate yourself as a person. wow youre cool, why don’t you think i’m cool too? did i misinterpret our conversation as something great? i genuinely laughed at all your jokes, and you pretty much complimented me the entire night? my friends are getting tired of me whining about this situation. good dick will imprison a woman.. meh.

the reason i fight against these lukewarm feelings is because i have been in a relationship where we were both crazy about each other. it was very organic and real. i didn’t find myself trying to find the amazing in a person, it shined through perfectly and i generously basked in it with delight. but why is it taking me so long to find this? im tired of dating around. its been 10 months. the longest i’ve ever been single. im getting puppy feels. as in, i really want a dog to keep me at home and company. i cant tell if this want is some reaction from loneliness. ive been looking into adoption centers and i’ve researched a vast amount of dogs. it weirds me out how i can actually name a species and their characteristics. i’ve been researching cats too. bengals are beautiful but too smart for a noob owner like myself.

oh god. its happening. the rom com lifestyle. i’m actually researching pets to get rid of my loneliness. where is the comic relief. oh nvm, thats just my life in general. comic relief. bah.

4ever young

Imagei get all sad when i think about all the stupid stuff i used to worry myself about when i was in high school. when i was in the moment,i was so caught up in petty worries…. i think about it now and wish that i really got to soak in that down time. a real time to be irresponsible and dumb. to experience things for the first time, and not have to imagine it through books and movies. i used to get so choked up watching movies as a kid. getting all sorts of feels just thinking about some fictional character’s anguish. wondering about the time where i will “come of age”. i remember just about all of my firsts…first kiss, first love, first date, first prom, first middle school dance…..dah to feel that excitement again! you get used to those things the more accessible it becomes. i remember having to sneak around just to be alone with my high school boyfriend…now i can literally afford to have someone live with me. nuts.

now that i think about it, my adolescence wasn’t too bad..growing up in my hometown, i felt very invisible. i was more comfortable with going unnoticed. i would spend most of my time just anticipating the future, because at the time my present just seemed too stressful.  i just had a lot of inner demons. i was super shy and always expected the very worst from people. working in groups during class stressed me out. deciding whether i wanted to read in front of the class was a huge issue for me. i was so paranoid about what every one thought of me. it’s crazy to hear other people’s perspectives apart from yours. i really took myself as a very ordinary girl during middle school and high school. you develop this ego, whether its good or bad. either way i was stuck in my own world. i would marinate in my woes. if only i knew what i knew now….

im thankful that i spent my years very honest growing up. i acted how i felt i should act, i wasn’t phony and i had a great set of friends in high school. eventually the right person did like me for me……i still wonder how it will ever work out.

i keep talking about this but im pretty sad that i’m currently making the transition into a newer part of my life. there was childhood, adolescence, college life, and now working life. time to be responsible and sophisticated. make thoughtful big girl decisions. budget….once again i find myself out of my element. i wonder who or what will change my life for the next five years. i feel as though something drastic is about to take place….no matter how old i get i keep finding out more things about myself…

once in a while ill get a sudden mood swing. punches me in the heart and my tummy gets all flustered. my heart will perk up and ill get super excited just thinking about all the possible turns my life could take. these past few months i’ve grown to appreciate myself a little more than usual…so i can properly invest my love and affection and guilt free. it sucks because ill complain if someone acts too easy but ill get frustrated if someone is too hard to read. whyyy cant i just act right for once. shit. i start thinking too hard and i cant make conscious decisions. like once i realize i like someone i just go full turbo and immediately lose all of my cool. i feel as though sometimes i black out and i dont even remember the conversations i had because i was too nervous. damn im such a lame-o.

insert sad end of summer post here

i haven’t updated this in months.

i’ve been busy. i’ve been….without internet. finding a house to live in has been so hard and even now that i live in a house, it hasn’t gotten any easier.

so here i am at work. blogging like an asshole. getting paid to mind vomit on the internet. but i just have so many feelings. and today i just feel…so sad. its weird because my mind has been in a good state the past couple weeks. i felt great and confident. but today and yesterday it was like a light switch… i just wanted to bury myself and disappear for a few days. run away to my best friend who lives so far away. but i had my roommate who i feel has a secret vendetta against me since i refused to give her the master bedroom of the house. im starting to feel like i just wanna turn over and hand her the room because im in such an apathetic state. i forget what its like to surrender your mind to negative thoughts. perhaps im weak minded or something but i just feel so defeated for some reason. i dont wanna do anything productive i just want things to work themselves out on their own.

so summer is coming to an official end. no more first days of school. just work. i sorta miss that first day of school feeling. that feeling of “whos in my class”, “where are my classes”…there’s a sort of ease that you feel. like you can be excused from grown up stuff since you’re too busy “getting your college degree”. and now i have mine. so now what. i just work.

the past two days have been so blah-ze-blehh. i wish someone would sweep me off my feet. i’ve met and hung out with a few people this past summer. it was good for what it was but the influence they had on me was so light and tender. like a chicken breast without sauce. stupid dry. im tired of being in my own thoughts, and im tired of hearing the same damn thing every time. i wish someone would just amaze me. to my embarrassment i joined a few social/dating websites because my friends insisted. theyre just places for pretentious fucks to write about themselves. and people message you with less than clever tag lines like “hey let me make your boat float”

girl bye

why am i so anxious to meet somebody. i think im just bored out of my mind. i wanna be preoccupied. i find myself going on meaningless dates to fill my time. listening to people talk about their crazy exes, their dreams of making petty money, tattoo ideas.. empty laughter. lots of “im sorry” and “thank you so much”. my previous work in retail has taught me how to control my voice to make it friendly, feminine, sort of attractive. i sound so fake, but i really do try my best to like a person. i feel like i dig so deep into a person but i just get..nothing. i find myself wanting to go back a life that ive already lived, but i was so happy back then. that person made me happy but they can’t now. when will this person come into my life. i haven’t felt so empty in a while.

as a matter of fact i spent a lot of my summer very chipper, as discussed before. i think it ran out or something.

guilty feet have got no rhythm!

Imagei havent blogged in weeks. busy as shit and completely uninspired, as usual. i get the feels so much i end up getting consumed by it to the point where even thinking about writing it down sounds exhausting. a chore.

but i shall update. maybe put things in their own perspective during the process.

im beginning to realize a lot of things. im beginning to see how..out of love ive been.. if that makes sense. every things been monotone. ive forgotten what its like to be so consumed by another person. going on seven months. i dont know how i feel about this. i think im more upset at the fact that i have been so holy and celibate i think i may have gained my virginity back. okay yes im being overly dramatic. but man what does it take to get a good healthy round? anyway im  not too upset. when it does cross my mind i do get a little mopey. then i move on with my life.

wonder why im feeling like this. i feel like a robot. confused and somewhat indifferent to another persons affections. i dont even know how to express it since im used to always having one person to confide in. right now..i feel really on guard. i think im paranoid. too critical of myself. its putting extra salt on my own game.

Imageive never had more than 2 or 3 gay friends. hanging out with a group of gays is off tops super fun. theyre super down, hella chill, and dont give a fuck! there’s a feeling of ease. but when things start to get personal… its feels kinda like my first day working in retail all over again. unfamiliar and anxious. everyone’s watching me, judging me, wondering why im here. i feel like everyone thinks im a phony and its getting to the point where i wonder if i really am living this phony life..maybe i should just go back to being…me? i just wanna give up. feel like im being judged. i cant even honestly label myself without cringing. whenever people ask me about my sexual orientation i feel my heart drop a little and i immediately start thinking “oh god theyre asking this because i don’t look gay enough.” yes i am very feminine. yes i’ve dated guys before. yes i do have an attraction towards the opposite sex. but ive never loved a guy more than a lady. im wondering if im just cursed. maybe im not gay but i just happened to have dated someone during the right time.

or i could be a homoromantic. maybe im like tina from the L word and i just love my first love.

when im out with my gay friends, insecurities sit at the back of my mind. i have fun, but when the spotlights on me i just wanna get out of it. i dont know a lot of the people in sfs gay community so i dont know how to act but i just dance lol.

“what are you doing here aren’t you straight?”

“are you even gay?”

this could be some form of a pick up line and im just taking it way too personal. but man it really bothers me. i’ve always kinda felt out of place though. yes..the most cliche thing ever read in a blog.

kinda strange how a community that prides itself on equality still geared towards subgroups. studs. femmes. stems. everyone always wonders what im into. they say doing this makes the wooing process easier. everyones so scared. im simply into someone who fascinates me! like i couldn’t say that i have a complete preference to a type of girl. i really just go for the most intriguing person. my best friend thinks i like ugly people, but i do value humor and a decent amount of intellect. unfortunately it is super fucking rare to meet an attractive, decently knowledgable, funny person. i wouldn’t even call myself smart or witty i really just like being entertained. and on the rare occasion i do sometimes meet a person who fits this boot. but they are usually taken or honestly too attractive for me. ive always felt like the girl was adored by the mediocre but ignored by the excellent. the girl who watched her crush dance with someone else. oh looooorrrrrd its like im living in a horrible version of a lena dunham production

again, im pretty sure im just reading too deeply into everything.

my life has reached equilibrium but im sure its about to get crazy in a second.

what a weird erratic blog. im sure a more sober version of me will be back later to make edits or even delete this blog.

i havent been this exclusively personal on a blog since i was 15. and i haven’t been this honest with myself in a goddamn while.

jibbajabba

Imagesometimes i wonder why i do the things that i do… and then something as minuscule as a chill ride back through the hills of a faraway city gives me that reassuring feeling.. a nice end to a weekend full of missions. a chill ride through 75 degree weather in the fields. enough to enjoy the stars and a supremely nice crescent moon hanging above the roof of my car. i even saw a shooting star slice through the dark sky. it went on long enough for me to do a double take of it halfway through its fall so that i knew i wasn’t just glancing at a passerby plane. forgot to make a wish but i remember thinking about my gramma. made me feel like i was in the right place at the right time. Coco Rosie was playing and the tinge of nostalgia was a nice touch.

where i live, the tungsten street lights glow in the sky til 6am, then its back to daytime. i usually feel a calmness whenever the stars are visible and darkness surrounds. like there is a part of the world that still exists that is still genuine and not man made. i get so sad knowing that i’m about to be 23 and i still haven’t traveled to any of the wonders of the world. i’ve seen nice beaches and pretty waterfalls but it’d be super cool to see something tremendous. i digress no further….

i’ve been feeling pretty lost these days. like my heart has no home (aww). but not even that, it’s like i dont even know what i want. i DO know that i want to finish school so that maybe i’ll have more time to soul search. i just feel like i dont fit in. unsettling feelings. of course i waive these feelings but when everythings said and done i feel sort of empty. and im so critical of every thing that happens. maybe its due to growing up in a place where every one says stuff just for fluff. i just believe people are all talk. everybody just wants to tell a story.. i guess that makes me an asshole or something.

i haven’t been dreaming a lot. maybe it’s cuz i sleep in increments. fucking finals at school has my sleep pattern all fucked up. and for some reason my mind turns to jello after 7pm. then after that all i wanna do is dick around on reddit. sometimes i wonder if ill ever get around to redesigning my resume… whhhhhhy is it so hard for me to be productive?! i feel like such a piece of shit sometimes. i could be better. but i’m just here…. and i should write that paper…..but this blog happens to be getting me in a writing mood.

this took me 4 days to write.

a glass case of emotion!

here’s a mind spill for everyone.

its like im standing outside, peering in. i don’t trust my feelings at all because i know that deep down im just a happy sucking parasite—i prefer to feed off others happiness. i like to share my happiness. i hate to say it but dammit im a very dependent person. not sure if i have the feels or that im just desperate to just feel something. like when you wait for drugs to kick in. you kinda pretend that you’re feeling it, but that’s just anxiety mixed with excitement. but when it kicks in thats when you know. and right now i feel like i just..dont…know. i do feel something but it isnt enough for me to completely commit to. i havent felt so sure about something in years. i wish i could say that i’m the type of person who can make clear rational decisions..but i cant. the possibility of something better coming along after something good happens. that’s like my worst fear. i have this vision in my head of the person that i would want to end up with, but what if im too fixated on that vision, that mirage even, to the point where the person who can make me happy is actually sitting under my nose. fate? do i choose my own happiness or let fate decide? merp. my brains got me fucked up.

im still happy, i appreciate the people that i’ve met and spent time with these past few weeks. i guess i would prefer to focus on somebody…bah who am i kidding, i know i have friends. and its not like i haven’t met anyone. just nobody to be crazy about. wulp it has only been a few months. but to someone like me, a relationship sorta gal, it feels like a year. i have this vision in my head that ill finally meet someone who intrigues me. i feel like i can already figure people out. know their intentions. im over it…. when will it be fair game? or perhaps im just not putting myself out there enough. which could be very true. i find myself jealous of other peoples relationships.. why cant i have someone like that? its a bittersweet thing because being in a relationship makes you focus on one person, you develop this comfort that makes you shun others.

i’ve met some pretty amazing people this past month. i’ve been in a bubbly mood but i feel like im getting worn out from this peppy state of mind. somebody told me i was boring as shit when they first met me. kindof upsetting to hear, but at the same time pretty accurate. the last year of my past relationship i felt so disconnected. i felt like people didn’t wanna hear from me, i assumed that i was content being in my own bubble. ive learned to get over myself. its hard to think that i used to be that kinda person. i was so negative, so mean. jealous of others happiness. and i was a bitch to my ex. i dont know what i was so mad about, but im over it. now all i do is point and laugh at myself. Image

“I heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he’s depressed. Says life is harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says, “Treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go see him. That should pick you up.” Man bursts into tears. Says, “But doctor… I am Pagliacci.” Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains.”

I am Pagliacci. :[

like mah pic? iz for my final project! felt pretty stoops shooting it, especially when we got to downtown. but whatever its my last semester i do what i want!

3 dreams

Imagei have to write this dream down before i forget it!

well the past week i’ve been having some vivid ass dreams. and it’s not like its one dream but ill have about 5 different dreams in one night. it’s always the last dream that leaves the biggest impression. these dreams are very weird but very real to me. a lot of the times i find myself wondering why my day is going so weird but it never crosses my mind that im actually dreaming. does that make sense?

anyway, i still remember my last dream from friday night. i was on vacation with some friends from college. im not sure the location but it honestly looked like the vacation house that i stayed in when i was out in palm springs a few weeks ago. it had a pool in the back an everything. it was a long dream but what stood out to me the most was the last part. it was late at night we were partying in the back, barbecuing, drinking, swimming. the moon was especially full and bright. i notice from the corner of my eye an airplane was flying abnormally low to the ground. i didn’t think anything of it and we were just dancing in the back. the plane flew closer and closer and then i realized that it was headed straight towards us. everyone panicked and i remember rushing to the house for sanctuary i guess? anyway i wasnt fast enough and the plane proceeded to crash our backyard. i expected death and other terrible things but the plane actually just exploded before us. literally in mid air. i remember standing alone in awe, staring at the explosion. it didn’t harm me, as if a force field bubble was surrounding the raging fires. fast forward the dream and this time a helicopter flies into our back yard. same exact forcefield. i remember feeling the same anxiety and fear from the first explosion. and then it happened again. only this time it was a bomb or a cannon ball thing headed straight towards our party. i was genuinely scared for my life for all three explosions. i remember it being so vivid. the fire, the explosion, the sounds even. i expected to die, truly believing that that was the end. anyway it freaked me out when i woke up. i was all sweaty and anxious.

my dream from saturday was weird too. i was, again, on vacation. with family i think. we were staying in a really nice hotel. i wont go into too much details about this dream but i just remember wandering the lobby area. it was apparently like vegas hotels where they are connected to a mall strip. i wandered into the mall strip and felt especially hungry. i happened to be in the food court section. it was weird walking down this strip. very dream like. hazy, full of weird people, and weird food selections that didnt make sense to me. like asian restaurants with weird workers and odd food choices. i remember thinking, “man what a weird day.” didn’t cross my mind that i was dreaming. i somehow ended up eating at this asian restaurant. i remember talking to the cook and he tried convincing me to cook my own meal which didn’t make sense to me. he offered me eggs and told me to try the pork buns. this was just a weird casual dream and i’m impressed that i can even remember this.

lastly, my dream last night was also weird. im already starting to forget it but i’ll try to type as much as i can remember. its probably not going to make any sense but i’ll talk about the things that stood out most to me.

i remember i was on vacation again. the dream was literally a whole vacation. it felt like days were passing. we were staying in some house. i think the people i was with were my friends from dinah shore weekend. my best friend was definitely there. its funny i actually remember my cousins first roommate being there too. anyway its gonna sound weird but i specifically remember laying in a bed with my best friends and some old deformed guy came up to me begging to sleep with me. yeah, super weird. he begged me and i kept saying no, no sorry. it was creepy but everyone around me was super casual about it. he disappeared and more friends came into the room. on the “last day” my best friend came into the room saying she was ready to go. i remember feeling really sad and having to say goodbye. i didnt want her to think i would miss her too much so i remember pretending to not be sad. she said her good byes and left. then she came back and hugged me. then she laid down next to me and we cuddled like we usually do. other people were in the bed but it was casual the way she laid next to me. she didnt say anything but i had this feeling that she was willing to stay a little longer. anyway fast forward the dream and she hands me a traveling bag full of money lol. the dream is about to sound really strange! but she told me that some trolls blessed us with money in our backyard and this was my share. the bag had bricks of money. i remember even taking the bag without saying anything, like i was expecting it lol. cool lets go to the mall. we head to the mall with a bunch of friends and for sooooooome reason we were all riding in this crazy contraption and i got to sit in this hiiiiiigh chair. it was like those fire trucks with the ladders and i got to sit at the top. i was super casual about this lol but eventually it caught up to me that i actually am terrified of heights. my best friend came up there with me and i remember feeling so scared. another girl climbed up the ladder and i remember being paranoid that we had too much weight and might fall. i remember yelling “its gonna tip get down! were too heavy!” everyone was laughing at this and then i suddenly started feeling the seat tip. we fell and it felt like we fell for almost a minute. really long. it was a weird fall like we were spinning and i remember accepting the fact that i was going to die, i hope the crash wouldnt hurt me, i wonder if ill live but ill stay deformed. and then we just landed on the floor. like i landed perfectly on my butt and thought it was fate. my other two friends did the same. i was glad they were okay. someone told me my witches were looking out for me. so weird. fast forward the dream and were back at the house again. i go into the backyard and theres this gigantic tree. someone told me i have to go thank the trolls and witch. i guess i knew where to go so i walked towards the side of the house. it was dark on that side. i walked deeper and deeper into the darkness. and then i woke up.

now im gonna be late for work :(.glad i was able to write those down. it just irked me how i remember my feelings and how vivid everything was. if anyone would like to give me their take on my dreams please do! its interesting to see if there is any meaning behind these weird dreams.

edit: i was half awake typing all of this. and yes i was late to work.