Trust your struggle

Photo on 1-31-18 at 3.25 PMI know I’ve been openly weeping of my woes for the past few months on here. It’s been hard going into interviews back and forth, taking time off from work, getting rejection emails on a weekly basis. My ego was withered a few years ago, but the last few months have completely diminished any lasting remnants I had lingering.

Working in design is so taxing on the ego. It’s competitive as fuck, constantly evolving, and networking is a must. I literally died these last few months. I would wake up with so much anxiety from my current job. Especially back in September when everyone on my team got laid off except me and the other designer. It was so hard. They were literally the only things keeping me at my job. It felt like I lost a good friend. I didn’t wanna go into work anymore. They got rid of my marketing manager who was like my work mom. I felt completely exposed, helpless, stuck. Then the work was starting to become more mundane. I was being treated like a tool rather than a designer. I wasn’t allowed to work on the projects I wanted to work on. The last thing I wanted to do was interview, but I knew I had to get myself out of this situation. I would apply and apply and apply. Cover letter after cover letter. I even upgraded my LinkedIn account to Premium and paid an extra $30 a month so that recruiters could find my profile. There were times I was matched up with a job I was completely not fit for. There were times I would interview for a position and everyone knew I was too green. I would be sitting in that interview sweating my ass off, waiting for it to end.

It’s been a long four months. I’ve learned so much. Every shitty interview was worth it. Every intimidating techie with trick questions provided a learning curve. Opportunities are finally slowly opening up to me and interviews aren’t as scary any more. I’ve got a clearer view of what I want in a job and it feels great. Trust your struggle. The pain you feel is only your body telling you that you’re alive. Live through it, appreciate it. Learn from it. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve doubted myself and realized how pointless it was. I’m learning to trust my instincts more. To ask less questions and make more demands confidently, strategically. And I know this won’t be the last time I go through this, which is probably why I’m writing it down right now haha. It’s a process, let it ride but take control in the best way you can.

Putting this into the universe

Processed with VSCO with c1 presetI hope to find my life intention soon. To find a job that will allow me to flourish creatively. To find a creative community that nourishes me mentally and spiritually. To get that salary bump that I’ve been vying for the past few months. To crack that life cheat code that I’ve been trying to figure out for the past four years. To find that job that respects me as a working creative. I want to challenge myself in a healthy way.

“After much consideration, we have unfortunately….”

UnknownNothing beats a Monday morning like a smooth, casual rejection letter via email.

Another one bites the dust. It almost feels like I’m growing immune to these emails. Huge bummer, but life goes on. I’ve been really trying to shift my focus of every situation.

Yeah I’m having car issues…. but I can be thankful that I have insurance to cover up some. And also some money saved up if need be.

Yeah I’ve been on the job hunt for months now and still haven’t gotten the offer I vie for….but I can be thankful that companies are even taking the time to invite me in for an interview. Also that I still have a job (that allows me to go on these midday interviews)…

Yeah management at my current job sucks and there’s definite nepotism going on.… but I can be thankful that it provides me with decent health insurance.

A huge majority of my stress has stemmed from me comparing myself to others. This year, I’d like to focus on myself. Enjoying the now, not worrying about the later. One major thing that I’ve noticed about this blog is that I never really give myself credit for the current wins. I tend to focus on the past, or worry about the things that haven’t happened yet as “Past Me” would have expected of “Current Me”.

It’s much easier said than done. The concept is incredibly simple. We hear it all the time. Live in the now. The present is a gift. And yet the complexity of our mind takes us through different dimensions that demand more than what the present can really provide us. I might even just blame all of this on the internet being so resourceful, and social media being so crucial our everyday living. Our screens showing us the (unrealistic) lives of celebrities and even people we know. It’s easy to get lost in a world where all you need to do is scroll to see more, to enrich yourself temporarily.

I sound like an old bag. And I haven’t written anything in months. Apologies in advance. I hope that whoever reads this blog will be inspired to see things differently. There is absolutely no one way to look at things.

And rejection is good for you. It hurts like shit the first few times, then after a while you realize there is a greater power within you. It’s the growth you need. At least, for me. These aren’t missed opportunities, they just aren’t the ones right for you. I’ve developed this strange inner peace these past few months. And it goes on and off periodically. One day I’ll feel like I have my life together, the other I feel like shaking the etcha-sketch and starting it all over. The crumbling self doubt, constantly comparing myself to others. Overlooking my accomplishments. Completely missing the bigger picture. It took me time to actually realize none of these worries fucking matter, they do only if you let it. It’s such a simple concept. And I see people preaching this all the time. And I’ve tried telling myself this numerous times, convincing myself I’m bigger than all of this. But I didn’t really accept it until I endured rejection and lived through it. It’s all a learning process, and I unfortunately learn at a much slower pace. But such is life I suppose.

Too lazy to thrive

I feel like I’ve been interviewing so much to the point where I know when a conversation takes an abrupt turn. It doesn’t have to be anything obvious, I can literally hear the actual language the interviewers are speaking like morse code.

I just got out of a great interview. The tone was just right, the guy laughed at my jokes, I connected the brand to a personal story establishing my knowledge and connection to the brand. The questions were easy. His tone of voice seemed interested and he asks me when I’d like to start and if I had any additional questions. And of all the things I fuck up on, I FORGET to ask more questions about the company at the end. Like, whhhhy. This is something so simple! I HAD my list of questions ready to ask. I deciphered his language wrong. I got too jumpy at the end. I’m gonna ponder this forever until I receive my rejection email.

It’s fine, this is a learning process. Ohhh man what a learning process it’s become. I will say that I’ve gained a lot of ironic confidence within the last few months. I have yet to find my life intention, I think I’m getting closer.. I hope :/.

Everything doesn’t feel natural when I do things. Literally everything feels like work, am I just too lazy to thrive? Am I not moving in the right direction? Could you just give me a siiiign. Or at least some feedback. What am I doing these days? It all feels so foreign to me still, but I can’t figure out if this is just pure laziness. Am I doomed to wonder until then? Why is it so hard to move forward? Woe is me, I know I know.

OLLA

IMG_5347.JPGIt’s been one of those off weeks. Last week I felt like a champ with all my interviews lined up, seemed like I was getting the right feedback and that I was on a pretty good path.

This week I felt like shit. I was pretty set on a job with Sephora as a senior designer..I tried my best to prep for the interview and even spent some of my Thanksgiving holiday prepping my portfolio accordingly. I had to convince my mom I couldn’t partake in holiday shenanigans by telling here what I was prepping for. Then she told everyone in my family. And now everyone knows that I didn’t get the job.

I wanna say that it probably wasn’t the right fit… the work atmosphere wasn’t what I expected. Felt very catty and superficial. Of course, it’s a company that markets products that enhances your facial cosmetology.

I was also informed by a recruiter that I was pretty damn close to landing a job. So while that was going on, I was waiting on Sephora and also interviewing with a recruiter for a job at Google. I was feeling gooood.

And this week I feel like nothing. I still feel terrible for copping out of that job opportunity with a nonprofit. I know I shouldn’t, and I keep telling myself that. But sometimes I can’t help it. This week my negative thinking really consumed me. I wasn’t able to silence it, or turn to it and say, “Now’s not a good time.” I also wasn’t able to go to the gym as much… it’s just an awkward time.

Works been getting more and more stressful. People in my department are dropping like dead flies. The reasons I loved working at my job cease to exist. I freakin loved my department, our entire dynamic worked. It was the reason I liked going into work. And now there’s only two of us and it feels like a race to see who will jump ship first. I firstly wanna secure a new job but the process has been slowing down and now I feel like I’m back at square one. Having to revise everything all over again. Back to the drawing board. What am I doing wrong and how can I fix it.

I just wanna a find a job that will give me a chance to grow. That understands that I do have potential if you give me the right projects. I just feel so empty at my current job. It’s been so hard to go into work these days. I never know if I’m gonna be safe. My last coworker left is all I have and it’s like I want to stay with her but I also want to leave. It’s bittersweet, and I’m so exhausted.

Woe is me, I know. I know it’s all part of the process, I’ve been telling myself that. I seem to be more aware of this when I’m on my better days. I see clearer, and it’s easier to look on the brighter side when you’re already standing on it.

Hopefully next week will be better. My goal has been to land a new job by the new year and get a raise. Das the goal and I’m sticking to it. Time to suck it up.

It’s been a very transformative year to say the least. Always the odd years. Ugh! My head and my heart hurts but I know I gotta just keep pushing. Sometimes I feel like I don’t have the energy to do so, and it’s easy to sink into my negative feelings. I just know that every little bit of effort counts. Everyone has a different process and I can’t keep comparing mine to others. Hoping I’ll get back to my piece of mind when this is all over.

My Health Journey; a WIP

45751_425664101522_7876619_nThanks to my mom’s genes I’ve always been naturally petite, which is morse code for: I’ve been shamelessly eating like a pig for pretty much my entire life. If you harmonize those genes with a highly developed college diet palate of high protein, copious amounts of carbs, and syrup infused vodka, the resulting figure: not obese. Great! Grand. Eh…ok. Like most girls I was never really in love with my figure. But I Since hitting my mid to late twenties, I’ve actually made a conscious decision that I am in fact not invincible to carbs, heavy oils, and copious amounts of alcohol. I’m actually very reactive to it. To the point where I can’t function and my only use is keeping my bed warm.

!!PSA!!

Before you hastily scroll down to my after pics (which I can’t guarantee), this is not a fitness success story. I do not have a six pack and my weight has only changed about five pounds in the last two months. But I’m content with myself, I’m active, and I’m realizing my habits as I move on. This is just me rambling. Sorry in advanced.
The Struggle Years
19453_280958836522_916051_nMy diet took a huge nose dive my first year of college. Now that I was “officially” a college student, it was imperative that I “focus on school”, which meant no time for a job..essentially making me a broke college student. Thankfully, my parents blessed me with a whopping fifty bucks of allowance per month, and I actually did make some extra cash doing sorority girls nails around the dorm. A laughable twenty bucks was all I needed to get me through the week. It was during my first year of college, that I lived quite comfortably off microwavable foods, kool-aid, and cheap sugary vodka. I had spent my high school years being straight-edge girl with older straight-edge boyfriend, and in turn my body (especially my liver) was in pristine condition to consume all the college sussery that I was surrounded with. Hangovers were a foreign, funny thing to me and I absolutely content living on the bare minimum.
30659_396724121522_4362046_nWifey Material
My sophomore year in college, I got real with myself and started working part-time. With some extra cash on hand, my palate extended to… whatever interesting stuff Walmart had to offer. I became a hamburger helper connoisseur, if you will. My basic understanding was that if you could make a decent pot of spaghetti-as in pop open a jar of Ragu, and heat up some noodles-you were instant “wifey material”. Bacon-wrapped hot dogs, readymade orange chicken, and potstickers were inhaled on the daily. I lived like this for a few years. It was easy and super affordable.
Living A Lie
By my fourth year of college, I found myself trying to cook exotic stuff. My failed attempts at recreating filipino dishes from internet recipes made me question my wifey abilities. Coming from a cooking background of pan frying and “adding water”, I didn’t take into account the time needed to cook filipino food. At one point, in an attempt to make pork sisig, I was hacking away at frozen pig ears with my moms old (and very dull) knives. This can’t be right. It didn’t turn out right. After an hour of cooking, I ate the chewy cartilage anyway. No regrets, it was still good. I tried bugging my grandma for a recipe but she’s gotten her cooking down to the point where all her ingredients were measured out by “this much; *wrist flick*”. Unable to decipher tablespoons to wrist flicks, I settled with making decent filipino breakfast.
Maturing Palate
By graduation I had landed my first big girl job and moved into a house with two other roommates. My income upgrade allowed me to be more creative in the kitchen, and I was okay with dedicating a little more cooking time. In addition, I also noticed that my metabolism was starting to slow down, so I decided adding greens into my meals, along with copious amounts of butter and olive oil. I was still 5evr loyal to carbs and protein, so of course adding greens made no significant change to my withering metabolism. During that time I had a health nut of a roommate who had a strict diet of microwavable spinach and carrots. I made a conscious decision to never let me stoop to that level. After spending two years having my try at detoxes, cashing out on supplements, and making the conscious decision to eat less meat.. I’ve come to the conclusion that eating healthy doesn’t have to be expensive, nor does it require lots of kitchen work. You also shouldn’t have to starve yourself to “detox” your body. Nourish your body in moderation. There’s nothing wrong with being crafty in the kitchen, but if you work full time you probably don’t want to spend an hour+ in the kitchen trying to dry out processed cauliflower. Eating clean doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your time, money, or your tastebuds. Since then I’ve delightfully weaned off coffee and have found some vegan recipes that are both appetizing and easily attainable.

But what about Present me?

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An odd thing happened this week. Firstly, I had a couple solid interviews that I felt ended on a good note. Secondly, I copped out of a potential job offer super last minute. WHAT. THE. FUUUUUCK. It was a great opportunity, great pay, great benefits, based in San Francisco. And yet I gave it up. I don’t know what came over me…hopefully this is one of those instants where nothing makes sense until the very end. Throughout the week I was getting good signs that this was moving in a good direction. Once I locked in my interview I suddenly felt…weird. Just that it wasn’t right for me. Like I would be going out of my way for something that wouldn’t benefit me as much as I thought it would. I tried calming myself down with Gaia’s self transformation documentaries and it got me so far. I figured I might as well go in and see how it is. But then I suddenly didn’t want to. I think the worst part was having to speak with my recruiter and tell her it was a no-go for me. The night before my interview. She was awesome throughout the process too. Ughhh why do I do these things? I feel like the main character of the movie who keeps unknowingly friend zoning her best friend. I hope I didn’t make a mistake. I wanna complain about it to someone but honestly this year has been about me making my own decisions. I do this annoying thing where I ask people their opinions and let them decide for me. Yeah….and I’m twenty-seven. Gahhh.

I know what I’m doing wrong. What I’ve been doing wrong, what I’ll probably keep doing until I gain enough discipline and mental stability (lol). I’ve been living in two time frames: the past and the future. I’m either complaining about what hasn’t happened yet that should’ve, or I’m thinking about how I happy I was before. Present me loses credit over past and future me. And it’s a trend that I notice looking at my old posts. It’s a terrible, unhealthy habit. And it’s something that I’ve allowed my mind to wander to. I’m slowly starting to understand the importance of honing your energy, to put your mind in a space where you wanna be. I’ve totally catered to my anxiety, which is fine to a certain extent. At least I know I’m human. But I really need to take responsibility.