ImageOkay I am absolutely terrified of the future. I keep attempting to make some sort of change but the thought of actually achieving it seems almost impossible. I’m so afraid of failing in front of everyone. I had a means of pay and now I have the potential to be absolutely broke. Somewhere I sense a small light of mercy but for the most part I’m very sure I’ll end up having to pay for my careless mistakes. 

I have to redo … everything. I have to reinvent myself. I’m not entirely sure if I’m capable of this. I feel like I’ve been living a phony design life. I have yet to make something I totally own up to. It feels like a huge black hole is consuming my life I get super anxious just thinking about it. What does it take for me to absolutely apply myself? It’s so overwhelming to think that I will have to eventually totally reinvent myself so that I am likable and relatable to people who want to work with me. I just feel super low about myself. Not capable. So unsure. Why haven’t I gotten the feedback that I want yet….. so much to plan for. I just need like a solid four months of solitude to get my crap together. Why hasn’t my severance kicked in. I feel like a lost child. I feel a part of me going crazy, I can’t even talk freely to people without having this thing at the back of my mind. How am I going to get through this? Will I be unemployed forever? What if I try so hard and fail. The most important people are waiting on my next move. I haven’t been so bothered in a while. I feel like people can totally see it in my body language, I have no sense of composure. What am i going to do! 

My life has the potential to be amazing but I have a feeling its going to take a super long time to get there. Fuck fuck fuck. Ouchhhhhhh. My mental abilities are being put to an ultimate test. Mind over matter. I refuse to sit here and feel sorry for myself but right now the negative feelings are totally eating me alive. I’ll be out of town this weekend I think I need this. I hope I’m making the right decision. I need a sign. Ugh.. 

It was much easier making mistakes before. I didn’t have a rent to worry about..the bills.. I feel totally engulfed in simple grown up problems. I’m not ready to deal. I’m not ready to sacrifice. Give me another year……..

a personal letter of clarity

ImageI am officially lost in the sauce. I have approximately a week and a half to live comfortably then I will be at an absolute crunch for money. I’m trying not to think of it. Returning the ordinary life of struggle. It’s been a fun year and a half. My life is officially entering phase four. The fourth channel. I feel the life slowly leaving me, the anxiety consuming me. My insecurities eating me from the inside. I can’t even hold a conversation without feeling completely exposed. I have no sense of composure. I feel so low and insignificant. I allowed myself to become completely open and now it’s like… I just wanna hide myself. I’m embarrassed. What do I have to show. Not much…

This is good for me. I think I got way too comfortable living a life that was a little above mediocrity. It was a desk corporate life that allowed me to do just enough. I still felt restricted, and I’m positive the next couple months will feel like a bandaid being ripped from an open wound. But sadly this is what I need to change. I think the past year allowed me to grow into myself as a person, this year will be a year to work on my craft and career. I want so bad to be distinguished and relevant at what I do. People tell me of what I’m capable of and I still can’t completely believe them because I haven’t allowed myself to completely immerse into a project.

It’s another year where apart of me dies. This will be the year. 

So anyway if you haven’t caught on by now…I was let go from my day job. It was something I was dreading for months. While it paid quite nice for someone my age, I felt like the creative part of my brain was festering under the stiff boot of corporate design. And I let it happen. Classic me, no absolute leeway for a safety net. But that makes things that much more exciting. I have to start designing like a fucking maniac. And not just for money, for myself as an artist. Goddammit this is gonna hurt me so much. 

More personal things. I think I really did let myself go. For a quick second I thought I was falling in love. My heart sort of broke when I realized how much I was giving away. I haven’t surrendered myself to somebody in a while, especially looking at the situation at a whole. I was losing the power, letting my feelings take complete control. I think I just need to cool out for a few. My minds so consumed with personal thoughts. Hasn’t been like this in a while. I’m sort of just bouncing around everywhere with my thoughts. Anyway I’m not ready to completely give myself away to somebody. I appreciate you, I think I love you. But not now….

my blue valentine

Imageive forgotten what it’s like to hurt so much over someone. nobody in particular has hurt me but watching the movie “my blue valentine” reminded me what it’s like to fall out of love with someone. the changes.. the immediate force to change. change of pace. change of lifestyle. its scary. to feel almost nauseous at the idea of having to live your life without this person. and now.. its like these things dont even matter. 

falling out of love. everything seems bland. you start to think about when things were amazing. these memories become the sole reason you hold onto something that seems wilted or expired. its like you’re in a mental time machine, jumping between past and present. hoping the future is something better. this too shall pass. its just a phase. once this situation blows over things will go back to how they should be. in my experience, this is probably the worst thing you could do at this point. forcing yourself to focus on something that already happened, years ago. it was great when it happened, but you were different people in different situations. 

i think i fell way too fast in my last relationship. i wasn’t 100% healed from my previous and it was just an overlap of baggage. bags on bags. i wanted to love this person so much but my heart was still devoted to this person who singlehandedly thrilled me at a very tender age. i tried and terribly failed. did terrible things that you shouldn’t do to people who care so much for you. im definitely a different person now, less indecisive. i think i was just addicted to the process of loving someone. the thrill you get in finding someone who fascinates you. 

i think im terrified of falling back in love. its a huge commitment and i want so much for it be the absolute right person. when i fall, i wanna fall so unforgivably hard. no lukewarm feelings of maybies. i want to be sure. i want to know in my heart that this person is the only person who could make me feel this way. and i dont think im ready for that right now. i keep finding people who fascinate me, but within weeks im over it. i need someone to hold my gaze. my tunnel vision can only last so long. and i want it to be with someone who doesnt need to play games or make me second guess the things i do. 

sidenote, why is it that when i find myself even liking someone a teency bit its like i completely lose my cool? i start second guessing my actions, the things i say, the things i post on social networks. my tunnel vision may be temporary, but its extremely potent. all of a sudden im dissecting every little sort of interaction i have with this person. the thing is i get over it fast and suddenly im like brand new. am i giving up too easily? am i just becoming lazy in the art of courtship? or am i just a lame person when things get super up close and personal? cant tell.

anyway ahhh love. why are we so consumed by it? there are those who just cant be by themselves, there are those who are constantly searching for the physical interaction, and theres me. i simply float. it is what it is. thanks for the feelings.

a happy place

Imagemy friend has a place in the mission that i just love cooping myself in. it’s so small, smaller than my dorm room freshman year in college. i’d say no bigger than 10 by 10..maybe smaller. super high ceilings though. you could hang a hammock near the ceiling and still have room to walk around. its so…comfy. whenever im there i let myself melt away into his covers. he has big plushy goose feathered blankets that i love wrapping and rolling my legs around. he has only one window which actually leads to a small open space with an opening up top for light to barely trickle in. when i wake up i never know what time it is. the concept of time is lost…and i fucking love it. i love places that completely extinguish the concept of time. it feels like days go by but theyre just minutes.. and nobody really cares either way. what’s funny is you may not know what time is it but for some reason you have a better chance of getting the gist of what the weather is like. when im in this happy place its like i disappear for a few days in complete bliss. i can afford to disappear. to wake up whenever, smoke a sweet joint, and eat a nice lavish brunch with amazing people. i feel free, relaxed, sometimes adored. it’s a nice warm place to be in. its a nice way to live. if i could live like that for the rest of my life i feel like i would be content. of course i wouldnt commit to that, seeing that so much changes in a year. 

after a long thanksgiving weekend full of indulgence, i ran away to this spot to get away from student loans, deadlines, work, etc. i came and i literally slept the entire time. when i fall asleep it feels like how i fell asleep in my parents bed when i was a kid. just sleep.

its funny how we can be so sure about something at one moment, but personal experiences and time has the absolute ability to completely flip that perspective.. i feel like i’ve spent so much of my life indecisive, unsure. but this feeling that i have about life, feels so secure. so content. so hopeful. people notice. they tell me i’m so full of life. its a real compliment. ive never been so sure. 

LOL LOML

Imageevery now and then ill get punched in the heart with intense nostalgic feelings. what’s weird is that i can’t really connect these feelings back to a specific time or person….i just remember feeling it. i’ll try to make sense of it…

i remember being young, i wanna say around 6 or 7.. i remember that innocent feeling. it feels like some sort of inner warmth like my hearts about to explode with excitement and love. i dont necessarily feel this love for another person in particular.. it just feels like im consumed with love and happiness. the feeling of being content with life. unaware of the harsh realities of life, completely ecstatic with the fact that there is a universe to explore and im just taking my first steps into it…

i am completely entertained at the thought of how long i’ve known certain people. making friends is a weird concept. you meet random people in the most casual way, find common interests, and somehow they end up being a huge part of your life.

i think the new chapter in my life has finally commenced! ive been looking at friends in a completely new light. the friends that were once a huge part of my life are transcending into their own lives, as am i. i find myself frantically trying to hold tighter to these friendships. as time goes on i find myself growing with content. the current people in my life are fascinating as fuck. i keep thinking about my past posts about how i never meet anybody that can hold my interest. i feel as though im meeting more and more people as the weeks go on. these past two months have been the fucking best. 2013. wow. just wow. 

would i be cliche if i said that i have serious feelings for my life. sometimes ill be at my desk at work and i get a random wave of happiness and delight. visualizing past weekends, the people i spent it with… im fascinated with this new perspective. i was such a different person last year. so gloomy. so antisocial. consumed with insecurities. i think back and ask “FOR WHAT?” it wasnt wasted time, but im glad i left that person in 2012. i feel very free. i like who i am. i speak my mind unapologetically because i will always love myself regardless. also because great minds think alike. ive connected with so many different people on a personal level. i like this comfort. i hope it lasts. 

 

…sorry for the emo ending 

TL/DR: my life is a rom com. without the comic relief

IMG_7938why is it that i feel like i’m living a really bad 90s rom com movie? as much as id like to believe that rom com are purely fictional gratuitous representations of real life, why is it that i feel like im living a really bad realistic version of “he’s just not that into you”? why is it that we disregard the people who actually try and fall for the people who could care less.? when we watch these sorts of movies, it’s clear to the audience that the heroine of the movie, often blinded by superficial insignificant factors, will eventually end up with “the right guy”, the guy that was juuust under her nose. her friend. well shit. my friend just isn’t my cup of tea. of course we all can’t get what we want, but why would we settle for somebody we have lukewarm feelings for? hot and cold. maaaybe ill make out with you. wait, i was drunk when that thought ran through my brain. im sober now.. and you’re still okay to me.

i sound like such a bitch. but can you give me an A for effort for trying put things in perspective… for about a month. of course “trying” could also translate to “leading you on”. my friends like you. my grandparents would super approve. i think you could take care of me. and yet i dont like you. more reasons to hate me. i feel like scarlett jo’s character in he’s just not that into you. i dig bradley cooper’s sleazy ass, but i suppose this nice guy is better for me? ohhhh why do i gravitate towards the pricks. naturally we would assume that the whole “hard to get” shpeel(sp) is intriguing versus someone handing their feelings to us on a silver platter. but i’d like to think that i’m not just some shallow girl with superficial feelings. yeah you’re not “my cup of tea”. but your conversation level is at a cool 6 or 7. i want my brain to explode with excitement when i talk to you.

everything is just so lukewarm to me. i felt some excitement a few weeks ago only to get shot down after one nightcap. of course 1/5 people will reject my efforts. why does it play out this way. just give me your feelings! so that i can stop trying to imagine a relationship with this friend. friend. ahh the friend zone. a dangerous zone. i hate being the person to do it, i just want us all to be happy! which is a prime reason why i am the worst person with communication.

can i just say that the amount of awkward sex that i’ve received this year is irrationally high? okay it’s not that high. two people? im paranoid. wont say names. but god that was weird. i guess we all have to go through that eventually. it was like a scene out of lena dunham’s girls. sidenote: adam was pretty attractive in the season finale, i would probably beat. or he would beat me.. but i dunno maybe i’d be into that. would probably need a safety word. anyway. i moves on.

so when somebody disregards your efforts, automatically you reevaluate yourself as a person. wow youre cool, why don’t you think i’m cool too? did i misinterpret our conversation as something great? i genuinely laughed at all your jokes, and you pretty much complimented me the entire night? my friends are getting tired of me whining about this situation. good dick will imprison a woman.. meh.

the reason i fight against these lukewarm feelings is because i have been in a relationship where we were both crazy about each other. it was very organic and real. i didn’t find myself trying to find the amazing in a person, it shined through perfectly and i generously basked in it with delight. but why is it taking me so long to find this? im tired of dating around. its been 10 months. the longest i’ve ever been single. im getting puppy feels. as in, i really want a dog to keep me at home and company. i cant tell if this want is some reaction from loneliness. ive been looking into adoption centers and i’ve researched a vast amount of dogs. it weirds me out how i can actually name a species and their characteristics. i’ve been researching cats too. bengals are beautiful but too smart for a noob owner like myself.

oh god. its happening. the rom com lifestyle. i’m actually researching pets to get rid of my loneliness. where is the comic relief. oh nvm, thats just my life in general. comic relief. bah.

4ever young

Imagei get all sad when i think about all the stupid stuff i used to worry myself about when i was in high school. when i was in the moment,i was so caught up in petty worries…. i think about it now and wish that i really got to soak in that down time. a real time to be irresponsible and dumb. to experience things for the first time, and not have to imagine it through books and movies. i used to get so choked up watching movies as a kid. getting all sorts of feels just thinking about some fictional character’s anguish. wondering about the time where i will “come of age”. i remember just about all of my firsts…first kiss, first love, first date, first prom, first middle school dance…..dah to feel that excitement again! you get used to those things the more accessible it becomes. i remember having to sneak around just to be alone with my high school boyfriend…now i can literally afford to have someone live with me. nuts.

now that i think about it, my adolescence wasn’t too bad..growing up in my hometown, i felt very invisible. i was more comfortable with going unnoticed. i would spend most of my time just anticipating the future, because at the time my present just seemed too stressful.  i just had a lot of inner demons. i was super shy and always expected the very worst from people. working in groups during class stressed me out. deciding whether i wanted to read in front of the class was a huge issue for me. i was so paranoid about what every one thought of me. it’s crazy to hear other people’s perspectives apart from yours. i really took myself as a very ordinary girl during middle school and high school. you develop this ego, whether its good or bad. either way i was stuck in my own world. i would marinate in my woes. if only i knew what i knew now….

im thankful that i spent my years very honest growing up. i acted how i felt i should act, i wasn’t phony and i had a great set of friends in high school. eventually the right person did like me for me……i still wonder how it will ever work out.

i keep talking about this but im pretty sad that i’m currently making the transition into a newer part of my life. there was childhood, adolescence, college life, and now working life. time to be responsible and sophisticated. make thoughtful big girl decisions. budget….once again i find myself out of my element. i wonder who or what will change my life for the next five years. i feel as though something drastic is about to take place….no matter how old i get i keep finding out more things about myself…

once in a while ill get a sudden mood swing. punches me in the heart and my tummy gets all flustered. my heart will perk up and ill get super excited just thinking about all the possible turns my life could take. these past few months i’ve grown to appreciate myself a little more than usual…so i can properly invest my love and affection and guilt free. it sucks because ill complain if someone acts too easy but ill get frustrated if someone is too hard to read. whyyy cant i just act right for once. shit. i start thinking too hard and i cant make conscious decisions. like once i realize i like someone i just go full turbo and immediately lose all of my cool. i feel as though sometimes i black out and i dont even remember the conversations i had because i was too nervous. damn im such a lame-o.