i wonder if 18 year old me would like me in present form. when i was 18 i was so….fresh lol. i didnt know how to dress when going out, i didn’t think you had to drink every time you went out, and i i’ve been feeling a bit lost these days. i feel like i’m still trying to find my place..it’s almost as if i don’t have a home :(. it’s an odd feeling..makes me feel empty. and everyone sucks.
i’ve been going out in my college town the past two weeks and already i’m sick of it. i can already feel myself growing tired of it, the people..everything. i feel like i’ve been dead the past two years and i was alive for a little, but now i feel like i’m slowly dying. i felt some form of happiness momentarily and now i’m just….meh.
pretty daunting that it’ll eventually just be me here… my friends will graduate, move away, and i myself was lucky enough to land a steady job in my field…here. i’m gonna be so sad! i remember being a freshman thinking “just 4 years and im out”.. but now i’m pretty much stuck. i think i’m looking for a reason to stay besides my job.
disclaimer: another old post from 2013.
i have finally developed great feelings!
for an imaginary person. derp.
sorry. the majestic quest to find true love is still at large. i just feel like im on the cusp! ive been meeting soo many interesting sorts of people. its so inspiring! i haven’t felt a bad vibe in a while. right now i feel almost immune to any sort of negative feelings. it feels so good to let things go. i dont understand how people let themselves become consumed with drama. i try to avoid it as much as possible. family, friends, ill be there for them but i would just rather choose to not participate.
i dont understand why it takes me so long to finish blogs. 4 days have passed. i sit at my laptop wondering what to write about it. then my thoughts sort of flutter away. i feel like i lost myself in the last blog i wrote. finished it just to finish it.
where/when can i feel this again…this feeling of excitement, an awakening to a new world?
days casually pass me by. once in a while ill take a moment to reflect on the things that have happened since then and wonder if i was even all the way there. how thoughtful were my decisions? the people who have passed me by…. the impressions i may have left on certain people.. i can be so reckless living in my own selfish world.. freaking out about things that nobody really cares about. not taking into account the damage im actually causing.
i cant tell how i see myself. the only person who i truly trust is my best friend….and i dont even get to talk to her that often. but we make it work week to week. i get so sad when i dont hear from her.
this whole entire summer ive been super preoccupied with family events, vacationing…and yet i feel so small and insignificant in my own little world. im slowly entering a new chapter in my life..the transition into adulthood. im scared to say that i feel like im doing a terrible job making this “transition”. my priorities seem to be out the window and i find myself making plans with people i don’t really care for. petty money spending. i feel bad because i know exactly how i feel but i leave a different sort of impression on people. i dont know why.
more feelings. i went to an MGMT concert on a whim. it was near the tenderloin in san francisco. theres something about san francisco where i just feel a breath of fresh air. the air where i live is stuffy and thick. the show was at the warfield, a small vintage venue. when the band started up, i realized i was trapped in hipsterland. i felt like i was in my element but it was sorta lame. i only knew a few mgmt songs so when i didn’t recognize the opening song i sorta just stood and watched the band do their thing.
My life changed after I wrote this post. Not necessarily because of the post itself, but this dry MGMT show I went to opened me up to a new world–music festivals. It’s corny, and it’s a common phase that many go through and are still enduring. But this small show was like the gateway drug to the many investments I would dip into my wallet for. It’s how I met the people I’m surrounded with now. My boyfriend. My best friend. The volunteer work I do on the side. I still haven’t completely found myself in my career, but I know my place with music. And it’s still a developing process. I think about the music I saved on my soundcloud around this time. My stint with EDM and trap music. It’s all old to me now, like an old lover whom I liked for superficial reasons. I recently went on a soundcloud unfollow rampage(???) and it felt like I was breaking up with my high school boyfriend in a much less dramatic case. I think about the reasons I still followed these music blogs and I think about the first time I popped at a music festival. The first time the bright lights swallowed me whole and my heart dropped with excitement. It was all so amazing and eye opening. And eventually it spiraled out of control. Good things never last, per cliche. And so here I am.. at the near close to an old chapter of my life. I still go to shows and festivals but some times it feels like more work than fun.. the planning that goes into it, the money, etc. It’s brought me to great people, and for that I’m grateful. Now I guess we just wait and see what happens next.
My existing world view is constantly being shattered and replaced with a (glorious) new vision. This new vision is still in the process of rebuilding itself. Right now I feel like I’m going through that stage where I’m breaking up with my former self. It freaks me out how much of myself is changing. It’s like a broken heart, but a different kind of pain since it’s only my world that is being affected. Because of this, there isn’t really anyone else to blame except myself.. This new kind of pain.. my hearts been “broken” in numerous ways but I feel like over the years I’ve matured toward that pain. I’ve learned to reinterpret my feelings for others. Definitely not to act on it. At least keep them to myself until things settle out. Or.. maybe I really just haven’t met the right person to drive me crazy like 20 year old me. I sometimes wonder about that.. to be incredibly infatuated with someone to the point where all logic goes out the door.
I’m starting a thing where I post my old drafts. Little pockets of random thoughts that I started and my goldfish of a brain left it to rest on the window sill.
i officially dont trust myself.
the past month i’ve been walking around with a tiny notebook writing down every single thought in my head. the conclusion is that
I couldn’t figure out the conclusion. Or I just got bored and moved on with my life because I know that that’s just a part of me that will never change. This fascinates me because I still do this. I’ve done this my whole life, since I could write and spell. I’ve always documented every part of my life.
I remember I brought my very first diary to “Share Day” in first grade. It was a Sleeping Beauty themed book with a rubber plush cover that sort of imprinted when you pressed hard on it. It came with a bright pink lock that wasn’t very functional, but I loved the idea that my thoughts were in my control. There was a group of “it girls” in my class (yes, first grade..lord) and they asked if they could read some of my diary. I didn’t think anything of it and figured why not. They read it over and promptly returned it huffing, “It’s kinda boring.” It didn’t hurt me but I felt confused. Oh well, thats my life.
My parents recently put me on blast about this telling me they found my journals from elementary school. They laughed at my youthful woes, my innocent dislike towards ordinary things. Looking back at it now, I was always upset about something. I was never satisfied with the now, always awaiting the later. And I still do this shit. Maybe that’s just what my brain was wired to do. Anyway, I write because my mind just likes to take me to places and leave me there to ponder. It’s my only way of releasing my thoughts so they don’t collect to the point where I implode. Anyway, five years have passed since I wrote that. I’m all the same. Still figuring things out. Hoping my writings will lead me to something profound.
Ohh 2015. It started off rough and it hasn’t let up since then. Unfortunately I haven’t found sight of any sort of resolution just yet. I’ve been biting the pillow all year. My confidence levels are shakier than ever, and I find myself consumed with paranoia, constantly comparing myself to every person I interact with. Suddenly every conversation feels like a job interview. I can’t help but wonder if there are any undertones of judgement. Jesus christ, I haven’t felt this insecure since I was a kid. I grew up in a household where your job is your worth. When I had my first big girl job, I used to wear my title high and proud, with barely anything to show for. I was a few years younger and completely full of it. My dad used to send me bank statements accusing me of going out like “some sort of rock star”. It was funny then but looking back at it now, it’s embarrassing. The design business a tough business to be in. I used to love it, but now it frightens me every time I pull up my portfolio and try presenting it to anyone. I don’t know what happened to me but… I just don’t feel whole anymore. I feel worthless inside. Unfulfilled. Work is more than just work. Its a fucking journey. It’s exhausting and when all is said and done, I still feel empty. Unemployed life was fun and now it’s just daunting to me. I’m going on my third month. I freak out every time my brain convinces me that my career is doomed. Everyone around me is traveling and “finding themselves” while I just feel myself dwindling away into nothingness. Once in a while I’ll play with the idea of couchsurfing my life away until I figure things out but then I remind myself that that lifestyle is impossible to achieve. I’ll go into my random “do better” spurts once in a while and then eventually my little spurt of energy suddenly evaporates into the twilight zone.
I’ve worked myself through some rough times. It’s been rewarding and I do trust my struggle. I think about the possible endings, how I may laugh at all this later in life. I want the most out of this life..but how….
I want to be in a body of water somewhere with tropical climate. It’s the early afternoon on a late summers day, and there is nothing left on my agenda but to lay on this blow-up bed and soak in some UV rays. As the warm tropical breeze murmurs delicate sounds in my ears, I dip my heads backwards into the soothing water and stare into the deep blueness of the sea. As I watch the sun rays dance with the rhythm of the water, I slowly let the blue engulf me until I give up all sense in holding onto my floatation device and let my entire body fall into the water.
I’m in complete limbo with my design career right now, in an attempt to help me get out of this early-life crisis, my boyfriend asked me where I’d like to be right now. I guess I should be a scuba diver…All the places that I want to be aren’t related to any sort of service…. Maybe I just want to be incredibly infatuated with something or someone right now. Or just..to feel completely content with every thing going on with my life. Sadly it’s the complete opposite. I’m playing chess with 2015 and am losing miserably. I haven’t been making moves as fast as I’d like, but when I do, it’s abrupt and spontaneous. I know I’d like to leave this consumerism world. I get nauseous thinking about the amount of debt I’m in, the life that I’ve been living, the adult decisions I’ll have to make eventually…
I know I want to be great. On my own terms… I did the cubicle life for a minute and spent 70% of my time loathing and trying to leave it. I want to love what I do but I feel like a child in their terrible twos at the dinner table. Every just looks like work to me. I want to love it. I want to love the work that I do to the point where it isn’t a task.
Ever since I was abruptly let go from my job, I wonder about the people who seem to have their lives figured out. The people who briefly entered my life only to make the miniest of impacts. The old overweight man who proudly approaches cars at some seedy gas station to make his winning car wax product sales pitch. The Navajo family who spend their days showing tourists around their recreational park in the middle of nowhere. The distant craftspeople who left their conventional lives in suburbia to live in a small sustainable urban lab in the middle of the desert. Even the nerdy pizza guy who made incredibly decent pizza in the middle of the night while we were momentarily lost in Bakersfield. What was their backstory? Do they feel trapped or content? Am I thinking too hard about these things? I want to know their struggle.. is it terrible that I want to feel less bad about mine.. sometimes I think about the possibilities. If I could only just do it. Put myself out there.
In other news I went on a 4 day road trip from the Bay Area>Grand Canyon>Page, AZ>Phoenix>Acrosanti. It was my first time planning a road trip on my own and it went surprisingly well. We were actually sober a majority of the trip and finished a majority of everything planned for the agenda. We didn’t fight or bicker, nothing went wrong, the weather was perfect. It was a good weekend away from reality. I wish I could do it more.