OLLA

IMG_5347.JPGIt’s been one of those off weeks. Last week I felt like a champ with all my interviews lined up, seemed like I was getting the right feedback and that I was on a pretty good path.

This week I felt like shit. I was pretty set on a job with Sephora as a senior designer..I tried my best to prep for the interview and even spent some of my Thanksgiving holiday prepping my portfolio accordingly. I had to convince my mom I couldn’t partake in holiday shenanigans by telling here what I was prepping for. Then she told everyone in my family. And now everyone knows that I didn’t get the job.

I wanna say that it probably wasn’t the right fit… the work atmosphere wasn’t what I expected. Felt very catty and superficial. Of course, it’s a company that markets products that enhances your facial cosmetology.

I was also informed by a recruiter that I was pretty damn close to landing a job. So while that was going on, I was waiting on Sephora and also interviewing with a recruiter for a job at Google. I was feeling gooood.

And this week I feel like nothing. I still feel terrible for copping out of that job opportunity with a nonprofit. I know I shouldn’t, and I keep telling myself that. But sometimes I can’t help it. This week my negative thinking really consumed me. I wasn’t able to silence it, or turn to it and say, “Now’s not a good time.” I also wasn’t able to go to the gym as much… it’s just an awkward time.

Works been getting more and more stressful. People in my department are dropping like dead flies. The reasons I loved working at my job cease to exist. I freakin loved my department, our entire dynamic worked. It was the reason I liked going into work. And now there’s only two of us and it feels like a race to see who will jump ship first. I firstly wanna secure a new job but the process has been slowing down and now I feel like I’m back at square one. Having to revise everything all over again. Back to the drawing board. What am I doing wrong and how can I fix it.

I just wanna a find a job that will give me a chance to grow. That understands that I do have potential if you give me the right projects. I just feel so empty at my current job. It’s been so hard to go into work these days. I never know if I’m gonna be safe. My last coworker left is all I have and it’s like I want to stay with her but I also want to leave. It’s bittersweet, and I’m so exhausted.

Woe is me, I know. I know it’s all part of the process, I’ve been telling myself that. I seem to be more aware of this when I’m on my better days. I see clearer, and it’s easier to look on the brighter side when you’re already standing on it.

Hopefully next week will be better. My goal has been to land a new job by the new year and get a raise. Das the goal and I’m sticking to it. Time to suck it up.

It’s been a very transformative year to say the least. Always the odd years. Ugh! My head and my heart hurts but I know I gotta just keep pushing. Sometimes I feel like I don’t have the energy to do so, and it’s easy to sink into my negative feelings. I just know that every little bit of effort counts. Everyone has a different process and I can’t keep comparing mine to others. Hoping I’ll get back to my piece of mind when this is all over.

My Health Journey; a WIP

45751_425664101522_7876619_nThanks to my mom’s genes I’ve always been naturally petite, which is morse code for: I’ve been shamelessly eating like a pig for pretty much my entire life. If you harmonize those genes with a highly developed college diet palate of high protein, copious amounts of carbs, and syrup infused vodka, the resulting figure: not obese. Great! Grand. Eh…ok. Like most girls I was never really in love with my figure. But I Since hitting my mid to late twenties, I’ve actually made a conscious decision that I am in fact not invincible to carbs, heavy oils, and copious amounts of alcohol. I’m actually very reactive to it. To the point where I can’t function and my only use is keeping my bed warm.

!!PSA!!

Before you hastily scroll down to my after pics (which I can’t guarantee), this is not a fitness success story. I do not have a six pack and my weight has only changed about five pounds in the last two months. But I’m content with myself, I’m active, and I’m realizing my habits as I move on. This is just me rambling. Sorry in advanced.
The Struggle Years
19453_280958836522_916051_nMy diet took a huge nose dive my first year of college. Now that I was “officially” a college student, it was imperative that I “focus on school”, which meant no time for a job..essentially making me a broke college student. Thankfully, my parents blessed me with a whopping fifty bucks of allowance per month, and I actually did make some extra cash doing sorority girls nails around the dorm. A laughable twenty bucks was all I needed to get me through the week. It was during my first year of college, that I lived quite comfortably off microwavable foods, kool-aid, and cheap sugary vodka. I had spent my high school years being straight-edge girl with older straight-edge boyfriend, and in turn my body (especially my liver) was in pristine condition to consume all the college sussery that I was surrounded with. Hangovers were a foreign, funny thing to me and I absolutely content living on the bare minimum.
30659_396724121522_4362046_nWifey Material
My sophomore year in college, I got real with myself and started working part-time. With some extra cash on hand, my palate extended to… whatever interesting stuff Walmart had to offer. I became a hamburger helper connoisseur, if you will. My basic understanding was that if you could make a decent pot of spaghetti-as in pop open a jar of Ragu, and heat up some noodles-you were instant “wifey material”. Bacon-wrapped hot dogs, readymade orange chicken, and potstickers were inhaled on the daily. I lived like this for a few years. It was easy and super affordable.
Living A Lie
By my fourth year of college, I found myself trying to cook exotic stuff. My failed attempts at recreating filipino dishes from internet recipes made me question my wifey abilities. Coming from a cooking background of pan frying and “adding water”, I didn’t take into account the time needed to cook filipino food. At one point, in an attempt to make pork sisig, I was hacking away at frozen pig ears with my moms old (and very dull) knives. This can’t be right. It didn’t turn out right. After an hour of cooking, I ate the chewy cartilage anyway. No regrets, it was still good. I tried bugging my grandma for a recipe but she’s gotten her cooking down to the point where all her ingredients were measured out by “this much; *wrist flick*”. Unable to decipher tablespoons to wrist flicks, I settled with making decent filipino breakfast.
Maturing Palate
By graduation I had landed my first big girl job and moved into a house with two other roommates. My income upgrade allowed me to be more creative in the kitchen, and I was okay with dedicating a little more cooking time. In addition, I also noticed that my metabolism was starting to slow down, so I decided adding greens into my meals, along with copious amounts of butter and olive oil. I was still 5evr loyal to carbs and protein, so of course adding greens made no significant change to my withering metabolism. During that time I had a health nut of a roommate who had a strict diet of microwavable spinach and carrots. I made a conscious decision to never let me stoop to that level. After spending two years having my try at detoxes, cashing out on supplements, and making the conscious decision to eat less meat.. I’ve come to the conclusion that eating healthy doesn’t have to be expensive, nor does it require lots of kitchen work. You also shouldn’t have to starve yourself to “detox” your body. Nourish your body in moderation. There’s nothing wrong with being crafty in the kitchen, but if you work full time you probably don’t want to spend an hour+ in the kitchen trying to dry out processed cauliflower. Eating clean doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your time, money, or your tastebuds. Since then I’ve delightfully weaned off coffee and have found some vegan recipes that are both appetizing and easily attainable.

But what about Present me?

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An odd thing happened this week. Firstly, I had a couple solid interviews that I felt ended on a good note. Secondly, I copped out of a potential job offer super last minute. WHAT. THE. FUUUUUCK. It was a great opportunity, great pay, great benefits, based in San Francisco. And yet I gave it up. I don’t know what came over me…hopefully this is one of those instants where nothing makes sense until the very end. Throughout the week I was getting good signs that this was moving in a good direction. Once I locked in my interview I suddenly felt…weird. Just that it wasn’t right for me. Like I would be going out of my way for something that wouldn’t benefit me as much as I thought it would. I tried calming myself down with Gaia’s self transformation documentaries and it got me so far. I figured I might as well go in and see how it is. But then I suddenly didn’t want to. I think the worst part was having to speak with my recruiter and tell her it was a no-go for me. The night before my interview. She was awesome throughout the process too. Ughhh why do I do these things? I feel like the main character of the movie who keeps unknowingly friend zoning her best friend. I hope I didn’t make a mistake. I wanna complain about it to someone but honestly this year has been about me making my own decisions. I do this annoying thing where I ask people their opinions and let them decide for me. Yeah….and I’m twenty-seven. Gahhh.

I know what I’m doing wrong. What I’ve been doing wrong, what I’ll probably keep doing until I gain enough discipline and mental stability (lol). I’ve been living in two time frames: the past and the future. I’m either complaining about what hasn’t happened yet that should’ve, or I’m thinking about how I happy I was before. Present me loses credit over past and future me. And it’s a trend that I notice looking at my old posts. It’s a terrible, unhealthy habit. And it’s something that I’ve allowed my mind to wander to. I’m slowly starting to understand the importance of honing your energy, to put your mind in a space where you wanna be. I’ve totally catered to my anxiety, which is fine to a certain extent. At least I know I’m human. But I really need to take responsibility.

2013 – the near end to a chapter

i wonder if 18 year old me would like me in present form. when i was 18 i was so….fresh lol. i didnt know how to dress when going out, i didn’t think you had to drink every time you went out, and i i’ve been feeling a bit lost these days. i feel like i’m still trying to find my place..it’s almost as if i don’t have a home :(. it’s an odd feeling..makes me feel empty. and everyone sucks.

i’ve been going out in my college town the past two weeks and already i’m sick of it. i can already feel myself growing tired of it, the people..everything. i feel like i’ve been dead the past two years and i was alive for a little, but now i feel like i’m slowly dying. i felt some form of happiness momentarily and now i’m just….meh.

pretty daunting that it’ll eventually just be me here… my friends will graduate, move away, and i myself was lucky enough to land a steady job in my field…here. i’m gonna be so sad! i remember being a freshman thinking “just 4 years and im out”.. but now i’m pretty much stuck. i think i’m looking for a reason to stay besides my job.

i have finally developed great feelings! – 2013

disclaimer: another old post from 2013.

i have finally developed great feelings!

for an imaginary person. derp.

sorry. the majestic quest to find true love is still at large. i just feel like im on the cusp! ive been meeting soo many interesting sorts of people. its so inspiring! i haven’t felt a bad vibe in a while. right now i feel almost immune to any sort of negative feelings. it feels so good to let things go. i dont understand how people let themselves become consumed with drama. i try to avoid it as much as possible. family, friends, ill be there for them but i would just rather choose to not participate.

i dont understand why it takes me so long to finish blogs. 4 days have passed. i sit at my laptop wondering what to write about it. then my thoughts sort of flutter away. i feel like i lost myself in the last blog i wrote. finished it just to finish it.

where/when can i feel this again…this feeling of excitement, an awakening to a new world? 

This post was written 4 years ago

Imagedays casually pass me by. once in a while ill take a moment to reflect on the things that have happened since then and wonder if i was even all the way there. how thoughtful were my decisions? the people who have passed me by…. the impressions i may have left on certain people.. i can be so reckless living in my own selfish world.. freaking out about things that nobody really cares about. not taking into account the damage im actually causing.

i cant tell how i see myself. the only person who i truly trust is my best friend….and i dont even get to talk to her that often. but we make it work week to week. i get so sad when i dont hear from her.

this whole entire summer ive been super preoccupied with family events, vacationing…and yet i feel so small and insignificant in my own little world. im slowly entering a new chapter in my life..the transition into adulthood. im scared to say that i feel like im doing a terrible job making this “transition”. my priorities seem to be out the window and i find myself making plans with people i don’t really care for. petty money spending. i feel bad because i know exactly how i feel but i leave a different sort of impression on people. i dont know why.

more feelings. i went to an MGMT concert on a whim. it was near the tenderloin in san francisco. theres something about san francisco where i just feel a breath of fresh air. the air where i live is stuffy and thick. the show was at the warfield, a small vintage venue. when the band started up, i realized i was trapped in hipsterland. i felt like i was in my element but it was sorta lame. i only knew a few mgmt songs so when i didn’t recognize the opening song i sorta just stood and watched the band do their thing.

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My life changed after I wrote this post. Not necessarily because of the post itself, but this dry MGMT show I went to opened me up to a new world–music festivals. It’s corny, and it’s a common phase that many go through and are still enduring. But this small show was like the gateway drug to the many investments I would dip into my wallet for. It’s how I met the people I’m surrounded with now. My boyfriend. My best friend. The volunteer work I do on the side. I still haven’t completely found myself in my career, but I know my place with music. And it’s still a developing process. I think about the music I saved on my soundcloud around this time. My stint with EDM and trap music. It’s all old to me now, like an old lover whom I liked for superficial reasons. I recently went on a soundcloud unfollow rampage(???) and it felt like I was breaking up with my high school boyfriend in a much less dramatic case. I think about the reasons I still followed these music blogs and I think about the first time I popped at a music festival. The first time the bright lights swallowed me whole and my heart dropped with excitement. It was all so amazing and eye opening. And eventually it spiraled out of control. Good things never last, per cliche. And so here I am.. at the near close to an old chapter of my life. I still go to shows and festivals but some times it feels like more work than fun.. the planning that goes into it, the money, etc. It’s brought me to great people, and for that I’m grateful. Now I guess we just wait and see what happens next.

A World Broken – 2015

My existing world view is constantly being shattered and replaced with a (glorious) new vision. This new vision is still in the process of rebuilding itself. Right now I feel like I’m going through that stage where I’m breaking up with my former self. It freaks me out how much of myself is changing. It’s like a broken heart, but a different kind of pain since it’s only my world that is being affected. Because of this, there isn’t really anyone else to blame except myself.. This new kind of pain.. my hearts been “broken” in numerous ways but I feel like over the years I’ve matured toward that pain. I’ve learned to reinterpret my feelings for others. Definitely not to act on it. At least keep them to myself until things settle out. Or.. maybe I really just haven’t met the right person to drive me crazy like 20 year old me. I sometimes wonder about that.. to be incredibly infatuated with someone to the point where all logic goes out the door.