I’m starting a thing where I post my old drafts. Little pockets of random thoughts that I started and my goldfish of a brain left it to rest on the window sill.
i officially dont trust myself.
the past month i’ve been walking around with a tiny notebook writing down every single thought in my head. the conclusion is that
I couldn’t figure out the conclusion. Or I just got bored and moved on with my life because I know that that’s just a part of me that will never change. This fascinates me because I still do this. I’ve done this my whole life, since I could write and spell. I’ve always documented every part of my life.
I remember I brought my very first diary to “Share Day” in first grade. It was a Sleeping Beauty themed book with a rubber plush cover that sort of imprinted when you pressed hard on it. It came with a bright pink lock that wasn’t very functional, but I loved the idea that my thoughts were in my control. There was a group of “it girls” in my class (yes, first grade..lord) and they asked if they could read some of my diary. I didn’t think anything of it and figured why not. They read it over and promptly returned it huffing, “It’s kinda boring.” It didn’t hurt me but I felt confused. Oh well, thats my life.
My parents recently put me on blast about this telling me they found my journals from elementary school. They laughed at my youthful woes, my innocent dislike towards ordinary things. Looking back at it now, I was always upset about something. I was never satisfied with the now, always awaiting the later. And I still do this shit. Maybe that’s just what my brain was wired to do. Anyway, I write because my mind just likes to take me to places and leave me there to ponder. It’s my only way of releasing my thoughts so they don’t collect to the point where I implode. Anyway, five years have passed since I wrote that. I’m all the same. Still figuring things out. Hoping my writings will lead me to something profound.
Ohh 2015. It started off rough and it hasn’t let up since then. Unfortunately I haven’t found sight of any sort of resolution just yet. I’ve been biting the pillow all year. My confidence levels are shakier than ever, and I find myself consumed with paranoia, constantly comparing myself to every person I interact with. Suddenly every conversation feels like a job interview. I can’t help but wonder if there are any undertones of judgement. Jesus christ, I haven’t felt this insecure since I was a kid. I grew up in a household where your job is your worth. When I had my first big girl job, I used to wear my title high and proud, with barely anything to show for. I was a few years younger and completely full of it. My dad used to send me bank statements accusing me of going out like “some sort of rock star”. It was funny then but looking back at it now, it’s embarrassing. The design business a tough business to be in. I used to love it, but now it frightens me every time I pull up my portfolio and try presenting it to anyone. I don’t know what happened to me but… I just don’t feel whole anymore. I feel worthless inside. Unfulfilled. Work is more than just work. Its a fucking journey. It’s exhausting and when all is said and done, I still feel empty. Unemployed life was fun and now it’s just daunting to me. I’m going on my third month. I freak out every time my brain convinces me that my career is doomed. Everyone around me is traveling and “finding themselves” while I just feel myself dwindling away into nothingness. Once in a while I’ll play with the idea of couchsurfing my life away until I figure things out but then I remind myself that that lifestyle is impossible to achieve. I’ll go into my random “do better” spurts once in a while and then eventually my little spurt of energy suddenly evaporates into the twilight zone.
I’ve worked myself through some rough times. It’s been rewarding and I do trust my struggle. I think about the possible endings, how I may laugh at all this later in life. I want the most out of this life..but how….
I want to be in a body of water somewhere with tropical climate. It’s the early afternoon on a late summers day, and there is nothing left on my agenda but to lay on this blow-up bed and soak in some UV rays. As the warm tropical breeze murmurs delicate sounds in my ears, I dip my heads backwards into the soothing water and stare into the deep blueness of the sea. As I watch the sun rays dance with the rhythm of the water, I slowly let the blue engulf me until I give up all sense in holding onto my floatation device and let my entire body fall into the water.
I’m in complete limbo with my design career right now, in an attempt to help me get out of this early-life crisis, my boyfriend asked me where I’d like to be right now. I guess I should be a scuba diver…All the places that I want to be aren’t related to any sort of service…. Maybe I just want to be incredibly infatuated with something or someone right now. Or just..to feel completely content with every thing going on with my life. Sadly it’s the complete opposite. I’m playing chess with 2015 and am losing miserably. I haven’t been making moves as fast as I’d like, but when I do, it’s abrupt and spontaneous. I know I’d like to leave this consumerism world. I get nauseous thinking about the amount of debt I’m in, the life that I’ve been living, the adult decisions I’ll have to make eventually…
I know I want to be great. On my own terms… I did the cubicle life for a minute and spent 70% of my time loathing and trying to leave it. I want to love what I do but I feel like a child in their terrible twos at the dinner table. Every just looks like work to me. I want to love it. I want to love the work that I do to the point where it isn’t a task.
Ever since I was abruptly let go from my job, I wonder about the people who seem to have their lives figured out. The people who briefly entered my life only to make the miniest of impacts. The old overweight man who proudly approaches cars at some seedy gas station to make his winning car wax product sales pitch. The Navajo family who spend their days showing tourists around their recreational park in the middle of nowhere. The distant craftspeople who left their conventional lives in suburbia to live in a small sustainable urban lab in the middle of the desert. Even the nerdy pizza guy who made incredibly decent pizza in the middle of the night while we were momentarily lost in Bakersfield. What was their backstory? Do they feel trapped or content? Am I thinking too hard about these things? I want to know their struggle.. is it terrible that I want to feel less bad about mine.. sometimes I think about the possibilities. If I could only just do it. Put myself out there.
In other news I went on a 4 day road trip from the Bay Area>Grand Canyon>Page, AZ>Phoenix>Acrosanti. It was my first time planning a road trip on my own and it went surprisingly well. We were actually sober a majority of the trip and finished a majority of everything planned for the agenda. We didn’t fight or bicker, nothing went wrong, the weather was perfect. It was a good weekend away from reality. I wish I could do it more.
Hi world. It’s me. I’m alive and doing all the same, just a smidge better. It’s now officially a new year, actually were three months into the new year and so far 2015 has been a true test of my human abilities. I’m still pretending to not be in a huge amount of debt, still stuck at this dead end job despising all the people I work with. A part of me died in Vegas last January and I feel like I haven’t really been the same since. I reached somewhat of an all time low when I had to fork out three bills to pay for a dent I technically didn’t do for this terrible velour suit mom from Grocery Outlet. It was a nice karma deposit. It hurt a lot but I mean my tax return finally kicked in so I can finally breathe a little. My pet turtle died last week. I tried so hard to keep him alive but he finally expired last Friday. Such things make me wonder if I’ll ever be capable of keeping anything I create alive. On top of all of this I have this excessive gym bill to pay every month and I have yet to see any significant changes to my cookie dough esque bod. The silver lining in all of this is that I’m making a conscious effort to get out of this black hole life. I’ve been complaining about it for a year but now is finally the time to make major moves. I’m about to buy my domain and be a big girl and put on my big boy pants. Wondering how much I can get away with. I feel parts of me growing, forcing myself to evolve from all of this. I mostly find comfort in crying and feeling sorry for myself but I eventually find myself moving forward. It’s a slow process. But its somewhere. I hope I’ll get what I feel I deserve from all of this. A year of oppression. You really just can’t stick to doing something you’re lukewarm about. Especially if you’re severely underpaid. I’m SO ready to move on from all of this.
it’s been a while. let’s start with a cliche global statement and say that so much has changed in the past couple months. my last blog was literally me ending the chapter to something that had started almost a year ago. i figured i would be in a better place. i’m definitely in a different place. life is a bit harder, but the experiences have been pivotal to say the least. in terms of my career, i feel as though i’ve definitely lost sight of what i wanted to become. i remember trying so hard to transition into this hybrid sort of designer. but a part of me feels as though its not really something i want to become. i want to participate in something that genuinely makes me happy. not another thing to learn. another obstacle to get over until i become the designer i supposedly want to be. my vision feels hazy. im falling into this sort of routine, living a life that i can barely accommodate with my new expenses. ive gotten saltier these past couple weeks as i feel as though everything is starting to catch up with me. it’s like a dark cloud is sitting above my head. i know my potential. the people i live with feed my creativity but i have trouble finding the strength to follow through with it. my brain is dying i feel like. its been dumbed down by the internet and extracurricular activities i have prioritized for first. i dont even call my best friend anymore. i feel like im falling deeper and deeper into this hole of obscurity. my brain is exhausted. my job is sucking the soul out of me. i almost felt as if i could lose it it at my desk…whatever that is….. i get overwhelmed thinking about the possibilities of failure, my insecurities, the possibility of being mediocre. i feel so confined by these fears. i feel no growth, just depreciation. i look at my previous posts and feel the anticipation for something greater…. its been months and nothing has been achieved. i want so much to branch out. i do something i love. i still don’t know what i love. i just dont want to work anymore. someone give me life.
last night was probably one of the weirdest nights of 2014.. i dont know if it was the hippy lettuce or just my state of mind in general but i felt soooo alone being at a club last night. i was with my best friend but i felt so completely dead inside. i smoked a blunt to the face because i couldnt feel any of the jameson i was swigging. i got super paranoid and suddenly i didnt wanna go out. i wanted to hang out and watch movies in a big comfy bed. but it was my best friends birthday. we were rolling 6 deep. four of them copped out. one of them handed me free feel good pills. my best friend was getting ancy. the girl she wanted to see was going to be at the same event….with her girlfriend. im basically going for moral support. i think to myself “well this night is really happening. lets freestyle this bitch.” im completely silent the entire trip to the event. i cant tell if im drunk or just really really high. i practice my default conversations in my head…”hey! long time no see!” “yooo what time did you get here!” “TDFW!”… once were inside i immediately go to the bar to proceed to get my best friend drunk. cash only. well fuck, i have a dollar. my best friend is eagerly looking around for a familiar face. see some people we kinda know. “heeeey! happy pride! long time no see!” the people nod politely and make some room in the dance circle. time to dance. best friend sees hot girl with her girlfriend. exchange some words for a little i do a little dance to make it look like im not waiting on my friend. go to get cash. cash out 20 at the bar for 2 drinks. hand my friend a drink. shes completely marveled at the fact that this hot girl talked to her. “cool story bro, yeah shes def into you. uhh gonna get another drink brb” as i stand in the sea of people waving my 20 dollars i contemplate on just doing the moll. “fuck it, should be fun and im super negative nancy right now.” buy my drinks, make a b-line to the bathroom. i squat and try to make an estimate for “half”. throw it back, wash it down with a whiskey sour. it’s almost 12, wonder how long this will take to kick in. i come back to the group but i kinda wanna people watch cuz i dont feel like dancing. decide to stand near the opening and people watch. a decent looking gogo dancer with pixie cut blonde hair sheepishly looks at me and says “hun, you’re standing in my dancing area” k… move a few people down. stand next to some couple making out, wonder if im in their bubble (LOLOWELL). stare off into the sea of inebriated people. 20 minutes go by. nevermind it was 2 hours. time perception completely out of whack. im in a complete daze. i feel even more hollow inside. everything is getting blurry… i text my friend. im ready to go home and sleep. i tell him im planning to leave in 5 minutes. he texts me a few minutes later. “im leaving in 5.” “you said that an hour ago”…oh. lyft. i need a lyft. somehow i find a way to tell my friend im leaving. somehow i get in the right lyft. somehow i find my way to my friends apartment. i remember walking in and feeling relieved. then everything goes black. im laying down. heavy breathing. i think im moaning. i think im having sex. i dont know if we ever finished…… deep dreaming. i wake up super confused as to where i am. sigh of relief i find my friend sleeping next to me. he fills me in on the night. im absolutely repulsed my blacking out. im embarrassed. it wasnt rape because i actually really like this guy… but the idea of me being blacked out having sex kinda scares me. what an exhausting weekend. i feel absolutely dead inside. its hard to think…words coming out of my mouth dont comprehend. i cant hang. im still trying to figure out what exactly happened last night. this whole weekend has been a blur…… my relationship with my best friend is changing…times are changing.. its time to move on. i realize i have some amazing people in my life. im scared to lose them. comfort is a scary place to be in. until when is it can we stay comfortable? im so bothered by myself. i need change. i need to get out of this rut. i need to stop going to these basic outings. i need a concept. my selflove/self esteem has been severely low these days….time to make a change. do more stuff. do less drugs. be a better person. i feel myself depreciating in comparison to last year where i felt like i was completely blooming into this wonderful being. TL/DR: does drugs, gets weird results during pride. i like pride. but its just too exhausting.
uninspired. stuck in limbo. no feel for direction. nobody to truly confide in. as the weeks go on i feel lonelier. i feel nothing. i find myself looking at uplifting posts on reddit just to feel some sort of happiness. i dont feel happy but i dont feel terrible. i just feel regular. no desire to go out and socialize. my insecurities continue to engulf me. i find myself saying less. cutting my hair, making meaningless trips out of town. spending mass amounts of cash for nothing. going out, having these meaningless conversations with people that don’t intrigue me in the slightest. i lie to them. because all they do is say “me too.” nothing amazes me anymore. the guard is coming back up. i feel incredibly empty. need something to fill the void. no desire to better my career or the position im in. i feel as though im just waiting. this wave of laziness and boredom worries me. then again i have no desire to fix it. i just figure one day ill wake up and ill want to fix it. for now i just lay in bed. and scroll through my phone. thinking about the things i want and how easily attainable they are. i know its just a matter of improving your state of mind. and so i sit and wait until this chemical imbalance works itself out. and perhaps then ill go back to living this saturated world of color and wonder.